


When Both Our Cars Collide

by SeraphStarshine



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Age Difference, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Basically this fic is a mess of cliches, Child Abuse, Coma, Complete, Depression, Drug Addiction, Fluff and Smut, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Minor Character Death, Nothing is too graphic but there is a lot of delicate topics in this, Physical Abuse, Please be safe reading it, Rape Recovery, Rape/Non-con Elements, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Trigger Warnings, Underage Kissing, Wakes & Funerals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-07
Updated: 2015-04-07
Packaged: 2018-03-21 11:13:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 45
Words: 95,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3690105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeraphStarshine/pseuds/SeraphStarshine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gerard is barely surviving until a new neighbor moves in next door, and for the first time in ages, Gerard finds himself with a friend that isn't his little brother.</p><p>Gerard never imagined that one beautiful boy could change everything for him, but he can't ignore the way Frank makes him feel, or the improvements he has seen in himself.</p><p>Gerard is aware that he is falling in love with Frank even though he knows it is wrong...he is seventeen while Frank is only thirteen. </p><p>But he can't deny his feelings no matter the consequences.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

The stars were out and the moon was shedding its cold light into my apartment window. Per my usual insomnia, I was wide awake and bent over my desk, furiously erasing a pencil smudge from my most recent sketch.

It was of him…lately it seemed like all of my sketches were mostly of him - that beautiful boy that I couldn’t get out of my head…

People always told me I was crazy…that I needed to move on and put myself out there, but I couldn’t - believe me I had tried my hardest to forget him, but it had proved impossible, and I had finally given up.

Mikey had even tried setting me up with his friend Ray; that was a disaster I would rather not think about, and he ended up with Mikey in the end ironically.

It was pathetic actually; I was a twenty-five year old virgin who had never been in a real relationship in his entire life - not counting the one I had with him - all because of that unforgettable boy.

He had seriously messed with my head, even my therapist couldn’t fix me. I know - I go to a therapist…lame huh?

But after everything, I didn’t want to relapse into all of the bad habits that I had kicked because of him - well everything except smoking, I couldn’t seem to stay away from those tempting little death sticks - so I continued to see a shrink, even after I wasn't forced to do so.

At first - I hadn’t mentioned him to my therapist; I mean - it wasn’t something I really wanted a complete stranger to know about me, but in the end, it kind of just came pouring out, and it felt so good to have someone to talk to about him - even Mikey had started to get tired of my constant moping, and honestly - I didn’t blame him.

But it wasn’t my fault if that boy consumed my thoughts - he was unforgettable, and time had done nothing to lessen the impact he had made on my life. My therapist had tried everything he could think of to get me to realize that he was a part of my past, and I had to look toward the future, but he finally accepted that he would have better luck teaching me not to breathe.

Now that the offending pencil smudge had disappeared off my paper, I returned to my sketch in earnest. I was trying to capture his eyes just right, I had to do him justice after all.

I was attempting something new, and drawing him how I imagined he would look like now, instead of how I remembered him, and I was very pleased with the results.

My sketches of him plastered the walls of my otherwise bland apartment. I needed to see his face every day to make sure I wouldn’t forget one perfect detail about him. It was as if I had replaced all my former addictions with him - he was my new addiction.

After a few more pencil strokes, I leaned back and sighed in satisfaction. My newest sketch had to be my best so far, his dark eyes stared up at me, and a small smile graced his beautiful lips.

I gently blew away a few stray eraser shavings as I admired my work; I would hang this one in the living room, it was special enough to escape the confines of my cluttered bedroom and stand proudly amongst some of my better pieces of art.

What I wouldn’t give to have the real thing in front of me. It was killing me not knowing what had happened to him…was he happy…had he found love…but most of all - did he ever think of me?

How long had it been since I had seen him…eight years? Time seemed to have passed quickly, and at the same moment, not at all. If I closed my eyes, I was transported back to that period of my life as if it were only yesterday - when we had been so innocent and carefree....


	2. Come on and feel that shame

_Eight years ago…_

I stared into the dirty mirror hanging on my bathroom wall, grimacing at the reflection that gazed back at me. My greasy black hair hung in my face, and my skin looked sallow and unhealthy. For a brief moment, I had the rash desire to punch the glass so I wouldn’t be forced to look at myself anymore, but my mother’s presence in the house stopped me.

Still - I couldn’t help but imagine it; the shards would clatter to the floor loudly, pieces would stick in my hand and make me bleed, and I wanted that - I wanted to hurt.

I knew these thoughts weren’t normal, but they were my reality, and I had become used to them. I hated myself, and being face to face with my own image was intensifying the feeling immensely.

I hadn’t considered asking for help with these feelings because I didn’t want Mikey and my mother to know how fucked up I truly was, and I was managing - mostly.

I felt pathetic; I constantly resided in a state of depression. I was seventeen years old with basically no friends, and loneliness was my only companion.

I honestly didn’t know why I felt this way. I knew I could have it so much worse; I had a loving family, an amazing little brother, a roof over my head, and I should have been thankful for what I had, but I was just stagnating…I felt alone, even when I was surrounded with people, and I had lost all hope.

I drank and smoked because I didn’t give a shit about the vile substances that I was pumping through my body, and it helped me make it through each day.

I was bullied constantly at school because I was the _“emo”_ kid and I was an easy target; I didn’t even try to look that way, but my mostly black wardrobe had earned me that title apparently. I guess at some stage, all of their insults had sunk in, until it reached the point where I loathed myself.

My family never noticed, and I didn’t want them to. They just thought I was quiet and secluded, they never imagined that I was slowly dying inside.

I finished getting ready with a heavy sigh; my mother was dragging me next door to meet the new neighbors, and I was less than enthusiastic to say the least. Usually she brought Mikey to this sort of thing, but he was at a track meet or something like that. Even though I detested sports with all of my being, I almost wished I had some sports related thing to save me from this.

I walked downstairs and followed my mother out the door without a word, and we made the short walk to the house next door in silence. She knew I was brooding about being forced into this, so she made no attempt to speak to me on the way over, which I was grateful for.

I dug my hands into my worn black hoodie and tried to hide behind my mother as she rang the doorbell. A friendly looking dark haired woman opened the door and smiled down at us.

“Hi there - you must be Linda. I am Donna, your next door neighbor, and this is my son Gerard.” My mother held out the decorative basket full of whatever shit neighbors give to each other with a broad grin plastered on her face.

“Oh - how kind of you. Come in please, I was just making lunch. My son Frank would love to meet you Gerard.” I put on my sulkiest face, but my mother ignored it and shoved me inside against my will.

“Frank is just upstairs unpacking his room. Why don’t you go on up and say hello, and I will call you when lunch is ready.”

I sent my mom a pleading look, which she easily ignored, and I was left with no choice except to trudge up the stairs as slowly as possible. I hated meeting new people; I got so shy and awkward, which inevitably led to me making a fool of myself, and said person never talking to me again.

I reached the top of the landing and seriously considering just hiding up here until my mom came and found me, but I knew she would be furious that I had been so rude, and I didn’t really want to make her upset. So I shuffled my feet toward the open door halfway down the hall, where I only assumed Frank was.

I stood in the doorway uncomfortably as I shifted from foot to foot; I couldn’t see anyone inside thanks to the mountain of boxes blocking my view, and I was too nervous to take the last few steps into the room.

“Um - hello?” I tentatively called out.

“Just a second,” a soft voice answered, and some of the boxes obstructing me from entering the room began to shift. All of a sudden, the entire pile toppled over, followed by an “oof”.

“Oh my god - are you okay?”

I jumped over the tangled pile and began to move the stack of boxes that had fallen on top of Frank. All I could see of him were his well-worn converse sticking out of the jumbled mess of cardboard and various items which had spilled out. When I had finally freed him completely from the avalanche, he let out a smile giggle and smiled up at me.

And I swear - that was the moment that changed my life forever. That boy touched my heart with that first upward tilt of his lips. Everything about him was perfect: from his tousled dark brown hair, to his sparkling hazel eyes, to his laugh, to his lips...

“Um - hi…” he giggled again, and it was the cutest sound in the whole entire world. When I didn't immediately speak up, Frank seemed to feel the need to continue talking to fill the silence.

“I’m Frank - who are you?” He held out his hand for me to shake, and I snapped out of my trance, hoping that I hadn’t been staring at him for as long as it felt like.

“Sorry…um - I'm Gerard. I’m your next door neighbor, and your mom said I could just come up.”

“Oh awesome! Well you saved me from suffocating under a pile of crap, so I guess I should be thanking you.”

“Well you wouldn’t have been trapped under there if you hadn’t tried to let me into your room, so you should be cursing me.”

“True…so thanks for saving me, but screw you for being the cause of my first near death experience.”

I couldn’t help it; I burst out laughing, and it wasn’t the fake laugh I usually used in public. I couldn’t remember the last time I had laughed like this.

“So do you want some help with this since it is kind of my fault that you can no longer walk in your room?”

“Kind of your fault?” he smirked at me, and I swear - my heart skipped a beat.

“Okay - so maybe it was entirely my fault…” I hung my head in pretend shame.

“So because you are so irresponsible and probably smashed half of my stuff, you get to move the heaviest boxes.”

“Hey - I am not the one who decided to move a mountain of boxes by picking up the one in the middle!”

“It’s not my fault I am almost a legal midget, give the shorty a break here!”

We both exploded into a fit of laughter, and it took us a few minutes to get ourselves under control. I had never felt so comfortable with a stranger so quickly before, and it was frightening and exhilarating all at the same time.

Besides Mikey - who didn’t really count because he was my brother - I had no real friends. Contrary to my usual instant dislike of people, I really enjoyed hanging out with Frank so far, and I dared to hope that he would be my first one.

We spent the next hour rearranging all his boxes and managing to unpack a few in the process. The whole time we joked around and laughed together, and I couldn't remember being happier in my life.

I wasn’t gay…at least I think I wasn’t…but if I was, I would be crushing on Frank so hard. He was just perfect in every way. He made me smile more in ten minutes than I had in years, he always had a witty comeback for my sarcastic remarks, but most of all - he seemed to genuinely like me.

“So do you know what school you are going to?”

“Yep - I am all signed up to start at Belleville High tomorrow.”

“Awesome - that’s where I go! What grade are you in?”

“I am a freshman, I am only thirteen, but being the freaking genius I am, they let me skip second grade, so I am a year ahead. Frank Iero was too cool for second grade.” He waggled his eyebrows at me, and I tried to smile past the sinking feeling in my gut.

Thirteen! He was only thirteen…I was four years older than him…and sure - four years doesn’t mean anything when you were older, but at this age, it was kind of creepy. Wait - what’s creepy? I was not seriously crushing on Frank…I liked girls…I think?

“So what about you? What grade are you in?” Frank’s voice cut through my thoughts like a knife.

“I am a senior. My brother is a freshman though. He is really cool, I am sure you will love him.”

“Oh awesome, I know a bad ass upperclassman and I haven’t even started yet! That has to be like ten instant cool points for me.”

“Sorry to burst your bubble, but I am anything but cool, actually - you knowing me probably subtracts twenty cool points from you.” I let my dyed black hair fall over my eyes like I always did when I was uncomfortable.

“Well I think you are cool, so who cares what anyone at school thinks. You can help show me around and save me a seat at lunch so I won’t feel like a loser.” He beamed up at me, and I honest to god melted. This kid was going to be the death of me.

“Of course! Now let’s go downstairs and see if lunch is ready, because you are starving me to death with all of your slave work.” I faked a smile and linked my arm with his.

Frank seemed willing to be my friend for now, but I knew that once we got to school, and he saw how much I was picked on, he would leave me…I mean - who wouldn’t? I should be used to this sort of thing by now, but the thought of Frank seeing me humiliated tomorrow made my stomach sink.


	3. I lost my fear of falling

The blaring sound of my alarm clock cut through my peaceful dreams and forced me to face reality. I had school today - with Frank, who was going to see me humiliated and then decide that he wanted nothing to do with me. Well isn't that one hell of a motivation to get out of bed.

I debated trying to fake sick to see it my mother would let me stay home, but knowing her - she would want to keep me company and make sure I was okay, and she couldn't afford to miss another day of work.

With an exaggerated sigh, I heaved my tired body out of bed and dragged myself into the shower. My hair was greasy and in need of a cut, but all it was getting today was a quick rinse unless I wanted to be late. I tugged a brush over it in an attempt to give it some life, but I quickly decided it was a lost cause.

After I had toweled off and thrown on one of my many band tees and some skinny jeans, I headed downstairs to grab a quick bite to eat before I had to leave. Mikey was sitting at the kitchen table, happily munching on some toast.

"Hey Gee," he mumbled, spraying crumbs all over the place.

"That's gross bro, chew your food."

"Make me!" He stuck his tongue out at me petulantly.

"Really mature Mikey," I snorted as I ruffled his hair affectionately.

"Gerard - stop it! You are making it all messy, and I just fixed it!"

"Ooh - you have a little girlfriend you are trying to impress?"

"You are one to talk, it looks like you actually brushed your hair for once. Does Gerard have a crush?" he giggled, making obnoxious kissy faces at me.

"Shut up - I do not." I shoveled my own piece of toast into my mouth so I would be spared from answering any more stupid questions.

"Boys - I am heading off to work," our mother called from the front door.

"Okay - love you," Mikey replied, while I tried to say something along the same lines, but I ended up almost choking on my mouthful of toast instead.

"Oh - one thing before I go, I promised Linda that you would walk Frank to school so he doesn't get lost. That's fine with you two right?" She poked her head around the doorframe to make sure we were listening.

"Yeah of course," I piped up, having finally managed to get that pesky chunk of food down my throat.

"Thank you both, I know Frank will be grateful. Okay - I have to run. Be good!" 

"We will," Mikey chimed back, and I just nodded as I shouldered my backpack.

"Ready to go Mikes?"

"Just let me grab my shoes and I will be right there."

As I waited for Mikey to come back downstairs, I let my mind wander, and of course - it just so happened to take my thoughts straight to Frank. Why couldn't I get that kid out of my head?

I was pretty positive I even dreamed about him last night, I wasn't one hundred percent sure though - I usually forgot my dreams as soon as I woke up, but no matter how often I told myself that he was too young for me, I couldn't stop thinking about him.

I began to mentally slap myself in an attempt to clear my head. I mean - what were the chances that he was even gay...and if by some miracle he was, there was a snowball's chance in hell that he would actually end up liking me back, and when did I decide that I was gay for that matter?

"Gee are you coming?" Mikey's shrill voice freed me from my negative thoughts.

I followed him out the door, and ended up basically tripping over my own feet when I got an eyeful of Frank sitting on my front porch, swinging his converse clad feet lazily.

"Hey guys." He smiled cheerfully up at me, and for the second time in just as many days - I melted into a puddle on the floor.

"My mom had to go to work early, and she said you would walk me to school, so I decided to come over here instead of staying in that big empty house all alone."

I struggled to make some sort of intelligent remark, but my brain had turned to mush, and apparently I had forgotten how to form words. Luckily - Mikey saved me from potential embarrassment by speaking up before I could.

"Hi there - I'm Mikey. I am Gee's little brother, but I am sure you kind of assumed that."

"Gee?" Frank snorted, causing me to punch Mikey in the arm.

"Ow - that hurt!"

"Then don't call me that in public." My face flamed with embarrassment.

"I like it, I might even start calling you that myself." Frank grinned.

“Unless you have a death wish, I would rethink that," I teased. 

"Ooh Gee - you are so scary!" Frank pretended to be frightened before running away, leaving Mikey and I to chase him until we were all out of breath.

"You know you can't outrun us with those stubby legs Frankie," I panted.

"Frankie?!" He lifted his head from the yard where he had collapsed after our impromptu sprint.

"If I get a cheesy nickname, then you get one too."

"Fine - I guess it could be worse." He relaxed back down on whoever’s lawn we had stopped at and closed his eyes.

I could have sat in that moment forever and just watched the gentle rise and fall of his hand on his chest and the way his eyelashes contrasted beautifully against his cheekbones.

Holy shit - that was pretty gay for a guy who was still basically in the closet...this boy was going to turn me into a pansy. We hadn't even known each other for two days, and I was already a sappy emotional mess.

Frank was fucking with my head, and I had a strong feeling that it was only going to get worse the longer I was around him.


	4. Do what it takes to survive

Even after I had parted ways with Mikey and Frank, I still maintained my joyful mood. With the addition of Frank into my life, even something as routine as the walk to school had become exhilarating.

Unfortunately I didn’t share any classes with them since I was three - well four in Frank’s case - years older than them.

I knew for a fact that school wouldn’t be so hellish if I could spend all day with Frank’s infectious smile. Speaking of smiles, I couldn’t seem to hide the grin that was plastered across my face. For the first time in years, I felt truly happy.

“Hey Way!”

Wouldn’t you know it, my day was going to go to shit before I even reached my first class.

I turned around slowly, and came eye to eye with Thomas…also known as the quarterback of the football team, and my own personal bully. I had run into him in the hallway by accident last year, causing him to spill his Gatorade all over himself, and ever since then, he had decided to make my life a living hell as often as he could.

I tried to turn around and continue walking to my class, but Thomas had other ideas. He grabbed the strap of my backpack, keeping me trapped unless I wanted to leave my bag behind for him to rummage through, and I would never abandon my precious sketchbook in his hands.

“What are you grinning about fag boy? Did you finally get laid last night?” I kept my eyes peeled to the floor and clenched my fists in anger.

“Let me go…” I snarled softly.

Usually I tried not to antagonize them, but the gay jabs really got me riled up. I could sit through emo boy, cutter, loser…all the usual ones, but for some reason, being called gay as if it was this horrendous dirty thing drove me insane.

Just because I had never had a girlfriend, this asshole thought it was okay to make assumptions about me and hurl them back in my face. I wasn’t even sure if I was gay or not, but it shouldn’t matter, and I couldn’t keep quiet any longer.

“Have you finally grown a spine Way? Well let me knock you down a few pegs before you go getting a big head.”

Before I could react, his fist collided with my face, and I fell to the floor like a sack of flour. Just then - I was saved by the ringing of the bell signaling class had started. With one finally kick to my ribs, Thomas left, taking his little entourage with him.

With a muffled groan of pain, I dragged myself to my feet and headed toward the closest bathroom…once again - I was going to be skipping my first class of the day to clean myself up.

I examined myself in the mirror and winced when I caught sight of my face. My eye was puffy, and already a dark bruise was forming around it. As if I wasn’t ugly enough to begin with, now I had to walk around with a shiner for the next few days…I probably was going to have a bruise on my side too, but at least I could hide that.

I sank down dejectedly on the floor and tried my best to hold back my tears. I despised myself…I hated being so weak and pathetic. I basically carried a neon sign around with me that said “PICK ON ME I’M AN EASY TARGET”, and if I attempted to stand up for myself, I just get a worse beating than I usually would.

Mikey had tried to convince me to tell someone when he had caught sight of my bruises a few weeks ago, but I had refused. Unless the school actually expelled Thomas, telling someone would just make him even angrier, and I couldn’t risk that, so I suffered in silence because I didn’t know what else to do.

Once I had regained control of myself, I made my way to my second class which was art - the one subject I truly loved. As usual, I took a seat as far in the back as I could, trying my best to hide my black eye with my shaggy hair.

Today our assignment was to work on our sketching skills, which just happened to be my specialty. I pulled out my worn sketchbook and flipped to a blank page. As my pencil moved over the paper, I began to daydream about Frank - what a surprise.

Almost unintentionally, I began to draw Frank the best I could. I tried to capture the way his eyes sparkled when he laughed, and the exact shape of his lips.

Before I knew it, an hour had flown by, and the lunch bell was shattering my concentration. Hastily shoving my half-finished drawing of Frank into my bag, I rushed off to meet Mikey, and hopefully Frank as well.

“Hey bro - over here!”

Mikey was waving me down excitedly from a table on the other side of the cafeteria. Luckily all grades had the same lunch because the school wasn’t that large, so I didn’t have to make it through the whole day completely alone. I gratefully slid into the empty seat beside him, making sure to sit so that my black eye was facing away from his gaze.

“Is Frank going to sit with us today or did he make some new friends?” I tried to feign nonchalance, but I heard the nervous tremor in my voice.

“He will be here soon, he is just trying to decide what to eat. He was being all picky because he is a vegetarian, so I snagged this empty table for us.”

“Speak of the devil.” I smiled as Frank came walking up with a bowl of salad that looked like it had sat out for far too long.

“I can’t believe they actually consider this edible, at my old school - we had a whole salad bar!” Frank whined.

“Here at Belleville High - we eat real food, not that rabbit shit,” Mikey joked.

“I have been meaning to ask you Frank, why did you move here anyway?” I leaned in closer to hear his answer over the chatter of the other students.

“Oh um…well - my mom get remarried, and she wanted to move closer to my stepdad’s work, so I got yanked down here.” He tried to grin, but it fell flat, I knew something else was bugging him, but I didn’t want to pry.

“Oh my god - Gerard, what happened to your face?” Before I could yank away, Frank reached out and brushed my hair away from my wounded eye.

“Oh um - that…it was nothing.” I looked away, not wanting to see the pity in his eyes.

“That isn’t nothing! You need to put some ice on that.”

I tried to protest, but Frank wouldn’t take no for an answer. In record time, he dragged me to my feet, and after retrieving some ice wrapped in paper towels from the drink dispenser, he had me sitting on the bathroom sink while he pressed the cold compress against my bruised face.

“Can you tell me what happened Gee?” The way he said my nickname caused butterflies to erupt in my stomach. There was no teasing lilt to it this time; instead it was laced with worry, as if he actually cared.

“I got hit…” I mumbled unintelligibly, but of course Frank still understood me.

“No shit Sherlock. Tell me who did it.”

When I met Frank eyes, I didn’t see the pity or loathing that I was expecting. Instead - his features were filled with anger, and I was astounded that he felt this way all because someone hit me.

“Just some asshole I pissed off. It really isn’t a big deal.”

“It is to me! I don’t want to see you hurt Gerard. No one deserves that, but especially not you.”

“Why do you even care?” It came out harsher than I intended, but I needed to know why the fact that someone had hit me had Frank so riled up. He had barely even known me for two days, so it shouldn’t bother him this much.

“Because you are my friend Gerard. I know I haven’t known you for very long, but meeting you was the best thing to happen to me since I moved here.”

“Really?” I gasped in surprise.

“You don’t understand what it’s like having to leave the only home you have ever known and all of your friends for a new place - well I assume you don’t. I was terrified, and scared, and alone, but then you came over and cheered me up, and I began to think that living here might not be so bad after all. So it pisses me off when someone does this to someone I care about, and what really makes me mad is that you seem like you are used to it.”

I didn’t have a verbal response to that, so I did the only thing I could think of and pulled Frank into a hug. With me sitting on the counter and him being so short, it should have been awkward, but it wasn’t. Frank relaxed into my arms, and I could feel his breath tickling my neck.

The fact that he allowed me to embrace him shocked me, and I was forced to admit that I was crushing on Frank. He felt like he was made to be held by me, and I never wanted to let him go.

Just for a second, all my doubts about myself and our age gap flew out the window, and I allowed myself to just enjoy the sensation of being content for once in my life.


	5. Let me be the light behind your eyes

_One month later…_

I kept waiting for Frank to tire of me - to move on, and find new friends, and eventually leave me behind once he had gotten his feet under him, but as the days turned into weeks, we became inseparable. We hung out every day after school, and we both spent as much time together as we could.

When I was with him, I felt like I was walking on a cloud. Instead of spending my afternoons drinking myself senseless and chain smoking enough to put me in an early grave, I was with Frank. He was my savior, and his friendship was more precious to me than anything in this world.

Mikey spent quite a bit of time with us as well, but since he was so busy with track, I got quite a bit of alone time with Frank, and I wasn't complaining. My crush on him was growing rapidly, but I had managed to keep it hidden from him, I didn't want him freaking out on me just when I finally made a friend.

It was another typical day at school, and I just happened to have a free period since the teacher was out sick, and they hadn't been able to find a substitute. I headed toward Frank's classroom, hoping I could convince him to skip out with me since it was the last period of the day.

I reached the door, and instead of interrupting the class, I peered in through the window, trying to catch a glimpse of Frank, but he wasn't anywhere to be seen. Maybe he had left early for the day?

I checked my phone, but I had no new messages, so I decided to wait for Mikey out on my favorite bench and have a few cigarettes in the process.

I lit up as soon as I left the building and took a satisfying drag. When my bench came into view, I noticed someone else sitting on it with their head down and the hood of their jacket up. They heard me approach, and when they glanced up, I saw Frank's beautiful face stained with tears.

"Oh hey..." he sniffled, hurriedly wiping his eyes with his gloved hand.

"Frank - what's wrong?" I rushed over to him, my heart aching at how miserable he looked.

His shoulders were slumped, and he was clutching his cell phone tightly. He looked utterly defeated, and I wanted nothing more than to throw my arms around him and erase his pain.

"Can I have a drag of that?" He pointed toward my forgotten cigarette; when I hesitated, he gave me a halfhearted smile.

"Don't worry about corrupting me, I have been smoking on and off for a few months now. My dad left a carton of cigarettes when he moved out, and I just picked up the habit." I handed him the slim stick and he took a long pull, his body instantly relaxing in the process.

"Do you want me to go? I don't want to leave you, but if you would rather be left alone, I understand."

"No - please stay." He patted the seat next to him and I sat down gratefully.

"I just got a call from my dad." He took a deep breath, as if he was bracing himself, and then continued speaking before I could utter a word.

"My parents got divorced about six months ago...and I haven't been dealing with it too well. I loved my dad so much...he was like my best friend, and then one day he just left. He walked out of my life as if I didn't matter at all," Frank scoffed softly to himself before continuing.

"I knew they were having problems, but I never thought he would actually leave us. He hasn't even come to seen me once since that day, and then three months later, my mom goes and remarries as if dad didn't mean anything to her. I love my mom - don't get me wrong, but my stepdad is another story. He is judgmental and rude, and we butt heads all the time. Thank god he is rarely home because he works so much."

"Oh Frank..." I whispered so quietly that he didn't hear me.

"I feel like my mom is under his spell. Just because he has a lot of money and he sweet talked her doesn't mean she had to go and marry him! And then my dad calls today out of the blue, acting as if nothing happened, asking me how I am doing. Well pretty shitty dad - thanks for asking!" Finishing the last of my cigarette, Frank stomped it out angrily and dropped his head in his hands.

"I am so sorry...my dad left us too when I was really little. I was never close to him though, so I can't imagine what you are going through." I didn't really know what to say, I just wanted to make Frank smile again, but this wasn't something that a few words could fix.

"I just want everything to go back to the way it used to be,” Frank mumbled in a sad tone of voice.

Giving in at last, I gathered Frank into my arms and held him close. He shook softly, and I could feel his tears soaking into my shirt, but I just clutched him tighter.

Finally his sobs ebbed, and he lifted his flushed face up so he could stare into my eyes. Our lips were inches apart, and it took all the self-control I possessed not to lean in and kiss him right there.

For one second - I thought he was actually going to kiss me. His eyes closed, and he inched forward slowly, but at the last second, he pulled back, and I heaved out the breath I had been holding.

"Thanks for listening to all of my crap, and thanks for the cigarette - I owe you one."

Even though his eyes were still red and his face was puffy, I could see the usual sparkle had returned to his eyes, and it warmed me to my toes that I had been the one to put it there.

"Don't be silly Frank, listening to you is the highlight of my day." I smirked back at him before grabbing his hand and dragging him to his feet.

"Now let's go grab your stuff and get out of here. School is about to end anyway."

"Okay." Frank pocketed his phone without letting go of my hand. I began to turn back toward the school, but Frank's voice made me pause.

"Seriously Gerard, I don't know how I would survive here if it wasn't for you."

My face turned redder than a tomato, and I struggled to come up with a coherent response. Failing miserably, I uttered out something that I hope he interpreted as " _thanks_ ", but what I actually wanted to say was " _you mean so much to me, and I always want to be there for you, you have been my lifeline too, and I think I might be falling for you._ "


	6. Awake and unafraid

We were just about finished getting the last of Frank's things from his locker when the final bell shattered the relative silence of the hallway. Like a stampeding herd, people began to pour out of their classrooms, eager to escape for the weekend.

I huddled as close to the wall as I could; I wasn't a big fan of crowds, I usually waited until everyone had cleared out before I exited my own classroom, but I couldn't escape the press this time.

A small space opened up, and Frank began shoving his way to freedom, grabbing my hand and dragging me along with him in the process, but we didn't get far. Thomas appeared out of thin air, stepping directly in front of us to block our path, causing Frank to run into him head on.

"Ooh you finally got yourself a boyfriend faggot." He glanced down at our clasped hands with an evil smirk. I wrenched away quickly, trying to protect Frank from his wrath, but all the while knowing it was already too late.

"Well why don't I show him what happens to fags at this school." With those words, he aimed a punch straight at Frank's delicate jaw.

"No!" I screamed like a wild animal and launched myself at Thomas, uncaring about the consequences to myself as long as Frank was unharmed.

But it was a futile effort; one of Thomas’s loyal followers - I hadn't bothered to waste the brain cells learning his name would involve - snatched me out of the air by my backpack, yanking me backwards so hard that the zipper broke, and my various book and pens scattered all over the hallway.

I watched in horror as Thomas's fist connected, and Frank fell limply to the floor. I rushed over to him and shielded him with my body. Why was there never a fucking teacher around when I needed one!?

"Look what we have here!" the same asshole that had torn my pack exclaimed gleefully, holding up my well-worn sketchbook. Just my luck - it had happened to fall open to the page which contained my now mostly finished sketch of Frank.

"Aww - he drew his boyfriend, how sweet is that?" Thomas mocked me as he threw the sketchbook back in my face.

I clutched it to my chest, desperately hoping that Frank hadn't seen it, but when I glanced down at him, I knew it was too late. I looked away in shame...so much for keeping my crush to myself.

I hunched over Frank, trying to protect him the best I could, when he sprang up off the floor, exposing himself to Thomas's gaze.

"You fuckers leave my friend alone." Frank managed to appear threatening, even though he was encumbered by his short stature.

"Standing up for your boyfriend shorty? Well I will make sure you regret that."

Thomas pulled back his fist, and I gathered myself to jump in the way of his blow, when Frank shocked all of us. Faster than my eye could follow, his own fist smacked Thomas straight in the jaw. The older boy crumpled on the floor in a heap...holy shit - Frank had knocked him out cold.

"Now take your boy toys and get out of here," Frank snarled.

With their leader down for the count, the rest of our attackers slunk off with their tails between their legs, dragging Thomas along with them.

"Holy shit Frank, where did you learn to do that?" I gushed.

"Oh - well...I used to get in a lot of fights back at my old school. I was always getting picked on for being short, and I finally got fed up with it, but honestly - I was just so angry that I got this weird rush. I definitely have never taken down someone as big as him before." He grinned sheepishly, which emphasized the growing bruise on his jaw.

"I am so sorry you had to get involved in that...you shouldn't have to deal with my problems." I dropped my head as I scrambled around on the floor, attempting to stuff my scattered belongs back into my bag.

“I already told you before Gerard, your problems are my problems, and I am not going anywhere.” Frank fell to his knees and gently removed my sketchbook from my hands.

"Frank...I don't know what to say - I didn't mean for you to see that -" I began babbling, but he silenced me with a finger to my lips.

"Gerard - this is amazing...I never knew you could draw so well. I love it! You actually made me look attractive, which is no easy feat."

"Well that is how I see you..." I mumbled back shyly.

"Wow Gee...that is the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me." Frank had a look of awe plastered on his face, and seeing it gave me the confidence to lift my head up slightly.

"So you aren't disgusted or ashamed of me?" I questioned nervously.

"No - why would I be?"

"Because..." I took a bracing breath and forced the words out before I could second guess myself.

"I think I have a crush on you, and I know it's wrong, but I can't help it - wrong as in like...you are way younger than me wrong - not that being gay is wrong, and I didn’t even know I was gay, but now I’m pretty sure I am, and…yeah." My words came out so jumbled I wasn't sure if Frank had understood me until a broad grin spread across his face.

"Well - as cheesy as this sounds - if it's wrong, then so am I."

With shaking hands, Frank gently grabbed the sides of my face and pulled my lips onto his before I could react. I melted into the kiss instantly, his lips felt as if they were made to be pressed against mine, and I couldn't get enough of them. That was my first kiss, and it couldn't have been more perfect.

We broke apart relatively quickly, I swear - my face flamed so hot that Frank should have started sweating. We still knelt in the now deserted hallway, breathless and blissfully happy.

“Did that really just happen?” I wondered out loud.

“Yes silly - it did. I can’t believe you didn’t notice sooner! I have had a crush on you pretty much since day one.”

“Well I feel like an idiot now. I thought you were going to run for the hills if you ever found out I liked you. I didn’t even think you were gay,” I chuckled wryly.

“I may be young, but I have pretty much known I was gay my whole life. It just felt right to me. I was the weird boy who dressed up in tiaras and painted my nails instead of playing football, and I am okay with that.”

“I wish I had your confidence. I barely just admitted to myself that I am gay, and I am so scared of anyone finding out.”

“You mean - no one knows? Not even Mikey or your mom?”

“Nope…” I shook my head vehemently. I wasn’t ashamed of my sexuality, but I was already so emotionally fragile, I didn’t want to tell the people I loved and risk them judging me.

“Well whenever you are ready, let me know, and I will help you tell them.”

“Frankie...you are an angel.”

“And don’t you forget it!” Throwing the last of my things into my bag, he closed it up the best he could and handed it to me.

“Now come on, let’s get going before Mikey starts worrying.”

We exited the building hand in hand, and I discreetly pinched myself to make sure this wasn’t a dream or some crazy hallucination I had cooked up. When I didn't wake up, I smiled softly to myself, and squeezed Frank's hand gently.

This felt too good to be true, but I wasn’t going to question it any longer. Out of all the ways this day could have ended, this was better than my wildest fantasies.


	7. Be strong and hold my hand

A few days passed, and I still couldn't believe that I hadn't died and gone to heaven.

Frank cared for me, and that was an emotion I never expected anyone outside my family to ever feel for me.

I was no longer the pathetic emo loser that everyone despised, and even though I was still bullied and generally ignored by most of my classmates, it didn’t matter to me now that Frank and I were together.

I had actually found someone to make me want to start living again, every second I spent with Frank felt like my decaying soul was slowly beginning to revive itself.

Instead of dreading school like I usually did, I looked forward to it, because I would get to see Frank's beautiful face again.

We made the most of every moment, stealing kisses in between classes, and holding hands whenever no one was around. I wish I could describe the way he made me feel, but I couldn’t seem to find the words to give the sensation justice.

The closest I could get to explaining the emotions that exploded throughout my entire body every time I was around Frank was to say that I had a miniature sun inside of me, and whenever Frank would squeeze my hand or press his lips against mine, it would send thousands of rays of light spreading across my heart until every shadow was erased, and I forgot everything that was troubling me that day. Sometimes I worried I would spontaneously combust from happiness - thank god that wasn’t possible.

All of these thoughts ran through my head as we walked home from school together; Mikey wasn't with us because he had another track practice today, so it was just the two of us.

I had been zoning out while enjoying the sensation of having Frank's small fingers laced with mine when I felt a small tap on my shoulder, which effectively snapped me out of my reverie.

"Gee?" Frank smiled up at me when I shook my head slightly, clearing my mind so I could give him my full attention.

"What is it babe?" I felt a familiar flutter in my heart when he grinned in response to my pet name. I would never get tired of being able to use those on him.

"Do you think we should tell your brother about us? It's hard to hide it from him since he is always around, and I don't think he would care. Actually - I am sure he will be happy."

I pondered his question silently...I mean - Frank was right, Mikey wouldn't judge me...but I was still terrified. I had never told anyone I was gay before, and what if Mikey couldn't accept it? What if he was disgusted by me, and he hated me for what I was? I couldn't take it if my own brother rejected me...it would break me.

But as Frank stared at me with hopeful eyes, my fears disintegrated, and I knew that I had to do this.

"If you will be with me when I tell him, then I will do it." Beaming broadly, Frank threw his arms around me in a full body hug, and I squeezed him back.

"Oh Gerard - I am so glad you agree. I will be by your side the whole time. It will go great, I promise."

"So when are we doing this?" I asked, some of my fears bubbling back up to the surface as I contemplated actually coming out to Mikey, but I attempted to stamp them back down before they overwhelmed me.

"How about later tonight when he gets home from track - that is, if you are ready?"

"Yeah - we might as well do it sooner rather than later, or I will probably chicken out."

"It will be fine Gee, trust me."

And I did, I trusted Frank more than I have ever trusted anyone. I was fully aware that I hadn't known him that long, but I needed him. He made me a better person just by existing, and I couldn't imagine my life without him anymore.

We headed over to Frank's house to pass the time playing video games until Mikey got home. His parents were at work again, so we had the place to ourselves.

Even though I never brought it up, I was petrified that they would find out about Frank and I; even though Frank had no problem with our age difference, I knew they wouldn't see it the way he did, but so far, they hadn't noticed anything, and I prayed it stayed that way. Meanwhile, Frank was kicking my ass at Halo since I was busy distracting myself with my inner thoughts.

"Take that mother fucker!" Frank screamed as he sniped my guy for the tenth time, quickly dropping down from his perch to t-bag my dead body.

"Stop desecrating the fallen!" I yelled as I launched myself at Frank, tickling him fiercely until he was forced to drop the control to fend of my relentless attack.

"No Gee - stop, I am so ticklish - please have mercy!"

"Never!"

"Um - am I interrupting something?" Mikey walked into the living room, trying to stifle a giggle behind his raised hand, but failing miserably.

"Nah - you just missed my awesome killing spree is all, and Gee here got jealous and decided to cheat," Frank replied, still breathless from laughing so hard.

“Well your killing spree is about to be ended. Move over Gee!” Mikey shoved his way onto the couch and grabbed a controller.

After another frustrating hour of Halo, in which Frank and Mikey teamed up on me and killed me basically every time I spawned, Frank finally decided to turn the game off. It was getting late, and my eyelids where beginning to droop against my will.

“So Mikey, before you guys take off, we have something we wanted to tell you.”

Frank nudged me discreetly when I didn’t immediately say anything. It seemed that there wasn’t enough air in the room, and for a second - I was worried that I would actually pass out, but just then, I felt Frank slip his hand into mine; the crushing sense of being suffocated evaporated, and I finally found my voice.

“Frank and I are dating.” I quickly glanced to the floor, unable to witness my brother’s reaction. When Mikey didn’t reply, I pressed on determinedly.

“Which means I am gay…well actually - I am not one hundred percent sure what I am, I might be bisexual or something, I mean - I find girls attractive too, but I have never actually had a girlfriend, so I don’t know, but I know I like Frank, so um - I just wanted to tell you, and I understand if you hate me, I just -”

“Hate you? Gerard - you are an idiot, I could never hate you. Plus - I kind of knew there was something going on with you two, I am not blind,” Mikey cut me off midsentence.

“So you aren’t mad?” I asked tentatively.

“Why would I be? Love is love, no matter who it is with. Hell - I am ecstatic for you! I can’t remember the last time I have seen you this happy, and if that is because of Frank, then I am for this one hundred percent.”

Finally I lifted my eyes from the tan carpet I had been staring at for the past minute, and when I saw Mikey’s smiling face gazing down at me, I threw myself at him and enveloped him in my arms.

“I love you bro,” I mumbled into his shoulder.

“I love you too, but can you let me go, I can’t breathe!”

Oh sorry.” I grinned sheepishly as I released him.

“So...are you two like official boyfriends now, or are you just casually dating?” Mikey asked.

“Um…” I wasn’t sure how to respond to that. This was my first real relationship, and I didn’t know the protocol on these sort of things.

“Well Gee, do you want to be my boyfriend?” Frank got down on one knee in a mock proposal.

“Oh yes - a thousand times yes!” I jokingly cried as I pulled him to his feet so I could embrace him.

“Ugh - you guys are going to make me sick over here.” Mikey covered his eyes, causing both Frank and I to erupt into a fit of giggles.

“So...um - Mikes, I am sure this is pretty obvious, but we can’t let anyone else know about this for now; I mean - with the whole age difference thing and all, we need to keep it a secret, especially from our parents.”

“My lips are sealed.” Mikey made the motion of zipping his lips closed and throwing away the key.

I couldn’t believe how well this whole thing had turned out. I seriously had the best brother in the entire world, and it felt as if a weight had been lifted off my chest now that he not only knew, but approved, of Frank and I’s relationship.

I trusted him not to tell anyone, and now we didn’t have the added stress of trying to hide it from him as well, but better than all of that was the fact that I was now Frank’s boyfriend. My first official boyfriend, and I couldn’t ask for anyone better.

After Mikey and I had said our goodbyes to Frank, we walked back to our house, but I couldn’t feel my feet hitting the pavement. I had to look down constantly to assure myself that I wasn’t floating.

If someone had told me a month ago that I would be this happy, I would never have believed them. I didn’t even recognize myself lately, I was smiling all the time, and being more social. I had barely drank at all these past few weeks, and I had even cut down on smoking a little. I still had my bad days, but they were few and far between with Frank in my life.


	8. Me and your runaway scars

I was sitting in class, bored out of my mind as usual, making my best attempt at not falling asleep during today's history lecture, when I felt my phone vibrating in my pocket. As discreetly as I could, I pulled it out and opened my texts.

 **From Frankie <3:** Gee I'm boooored

Smiling to myself, I typed out a quick reply.

 **To Frankie <3:** Too bad you don't have my pretty face in your class to distract you xoG

Seconds later, my phone buzzed again.

 **From Frankie <3:** I miss that pretty face already. Skip class with me?

How could I resist such a tempting offer? My fingers clacked against the keyboard as I quickly sent a message back.

 **To Frankie <3:** Ooh Frankie you are such a bad influence. Meet you out on the bench? xoG

 **From Frankie <3:** See you there gorgeous ;)

Ducking my head to hide my obnoxious blush caused by Frank’s last text, I gathered all of my stuff and hastily pushed it into my backpack, not wanting to keep Frank waiting a moment longer than I had to. Since I sat at the back of the class, it was a simple matter to sneak out unnoticed.

I eased the door shut silently, and headed toward my locker with a broad grin on my face. I checked my phone one more time, and saw another message from Frank.

 **From Frankie <3:** I'M FREE!! Did you make it out okay?

Just as I was about to reply, I heard the door to the boys locker room slam open...why did my locker have to be located so close to the hive of jocks I despised with all of my being?

I turned my back on the raucous laughter coming from the open door and began to tell Frank that I would meet him outside in a minute, when my phone was snatched out of my hand. I spun around and came face to face with none other than Thomas...just my luck.

"Give it back..." I tried to make my voice menacing, but it came out as more of a whisper instead.

"I will in a second. I just want to see who the fag's been texting, that's all."

Much to my dismay, my phone was still on my messages screen. I silently begged for my auto lock to kick in before Thomas could read anything, but I should have known better than to expect to get that lucky.

"Ooh - who’s Frankie with a heart next to his name? Is that your short little boyfriend? I thought he would have dumped your ass after we taught him a lesson last time."

"That's not how I remember it." I smirked as I recalled how Frank had knocked Thomas out cold during their last encounter.

I should have kept my stupid mouth shut, and I regretted my words the second they escaped my lips. A look of rage contorted Thomas's face into a grisly mask before he grabbed me by the throat, pinning me to my locker viciously.

"Don't you ever get smart with me! You may have had him around to protect you last time, but now it's just you and me, and you are going to pay for what he did."

I couldn't have responded even if I wanted to, it was an endeavor just to breathe with his meaty hand squeezing my windpipe. I struggled to get free, but all that accomplished was to drive the heavy combination lock hanging from my locker even deeper into my spine, and soon I gave up on any attempt to fight back, I was too busy trying to suck air into my lungs.

Just when my vision was going blurry at the edges and I thought I was going to pass out, Thomas relinquished his grip, and I collapsed to the floor, holding my throat and gasping for air.

"I don't even know why you try Way. You are disgusting and pathetic. No one could ever love you. Do the world a favor and just kill yourself already so no one else has to be dragged down by your miserable life."

With a final kick, he threw my phone to the ground and stormed away, leaving me writhing on the floor in agony.

A few minutes passed before I managed to heave myself to my feet, and after retrieving my now cracked phone, I ran to the nearest bathroom as fast as I could.

All thoughts about meeting Frank had flown out of my head, and now my mind was filled with the darkness that Thomas's words had unleashed.

My throat burned uncomfortably and I ached for a drink, but I didn’t have anything on me; even I wasn’t stupid enough to bring a bottle of vodka to school. I wished I was though; I needed something to take the edge off the sickening feeling that was bubbling in my gut, and alcohol always managed to make me pleasantly numb to all sensations.

I needed to do something - anything - before I had a complete mental breakdown in this nasty bathroom, but without my usual vice, I was at a loss. Just when I was beginning to despair, I remembered something else I had with me that might be able to help…if I was willing to go that far.

Sobbing quietly, I locked myself in a stall and began digging through my backpack, looking for the razor I always kept in the zipper pocket. To this day, I had yet to use it; I would take it out and look at it from time to time, but I hadn't been able to bring myself to actually make the first cut.

But today - something had snapped inside my mind, and I knew that this time, I wouldn't return it to its hiding place unsullied.

I was aware that I shouldn't do this, I had been so much happier lately with Frank in my life...but the fragile walls I had erected around my hate and self-loathing had all crumbled now; I needed some sort of release, and without any alcohol in the immediate vicinity, this would have to do.

With trembling hands, I drew the blade across my pale wrist and watched in fascination as blood sprang to the surface. With each cut I made, I felt the overwhelming pressure in my head ease, and I kept going until my tears had subsided.

When I was finished, seven glistening cuts adorned my previously unblemished arms. Now I understood why people resorted to this; it was similar to drinking in a way, an escape from the cruel thoughts that plagued me when I was at my worst, and even though hurting myself shouldn’t have made me feel any better - somehow it did.

I knew my mind was in a sick state, but I didn't care anymore, not as long as I got some relief.

I quickly cleaned up the razor and my arms before anyone could enter the bathroom. Luckily for me, class hadn't been let out yet, so I walked unmolested down the hallway in a daze; my arm throbbed, but the pain was like a drug, and I welcomed it.

Just then - my phone exploded, or so it seemed to me in my hazy state. I picked it up and saw that I had ten missed texts and two missed calls - all from Frank.

I hurried outside to see him pacing by our bench frantically; when he caught sight of me, his face literally lit up, and I swooned on the spot. I was such a freaking girl around him - I swear - I would be embarrassed if he didn’t make me so happy.

"Gee - there you are! I was worried you couldn't sneak away. What happened?"

As Frank ran up to me, his previously ecstatic face deflated like a balloon, and he raised his gloved hands up to touch my neck. I had forgotten about the very obvious marks that Thomas's assault had left on my body in my hurry to get to Frank, but as he gently touched the bruised flesh, the pain returned, and I hissed slightly.

"Oh well - um - I ran into Thomas...and you can guess the rest."

"Sit down, I need to check you out. Those look really bad."

"I didn't realize you were a certified doctor Frankie," I joked halfheartedly.

"Shut up and get your fine ass over here,” Frank giggled, which of course made my heart melt instantly.

He grabbed my wrist to pull me over to the bench and I winced in pain. I tried to play it off as nothing, but before I could stop him, Frank had pulled up my sleeve; my attempt to yank it back down was futile, he simply swatted my hand away as if it were an annoying fly.

All I could do was close my eyes so I wouldn't have to see Frank's face when he witnessed my self-mutilation. Now he would hate me...how could anyone care for me when I despised myself so much?

"Oh Gee..." he whispered softly.

I squeezed my eyes shut even tighter, so I was caught off guard when I felt Frank's slender arms pulling me into an embrace. His unexpected display of affection caused me to lose control completely, and I broke down sobbing.

Frank didn't say a word, he just held me tighter and stroked my hair until all I had left in me was soft sniffles and the occasional hiccup.

"Why did you do it?" Frank asked me in a soft voice.

"I don't know...I mean - I have thought about it hundreds of time before, but today...something in me just broke. Usually when I feel this way, I drink, but when I couldn’t resort to that, I had to do something else. I didn't even think - I just did it, and it made me feel better. I am such a fuck up...I understand if you don't want to be with me anymore."

I buried my face into his shoulder, trying to prolong this moment as long as I could before I lost Frank forever.

"Gerard - look at me."

I shook my head and refused to move, so Frank took matters into his own hands and gently forced my chin up until we were eye to eye.

"I understand, I really do; hell - I have done it a few times myself, see?" He pulled up his own sleeve to reveal a tracery of faded silvery scars.

"I thought it would make me feel better too, but I ended up realizing that it hurt me more than it helped. I get why you did it though, and I will never judge you - or leave you because of it, so please get that thought out of your head before I am forced to smack you." Frank smiled softly to take the sting out of his words.

I was completely awestruck; just when I thought Frank couldn't be any more amazing, he goes and proves me wrong by saying this. I couldn’t believe I was ever worried about our age difference; he may be four years younger than me, but he was more mature than most adults I knew.

"I do want you to promise me one thing though Gerard. If you ever feel like doing this again, please call me? I want to help you, and I can't do that if I don't know how you are feeling. I will never get upset with you for wanting to do this, but I have to know. I want to be there for you, and pick you up when you fall down - please?"

"I promise Frank, and thank you...I seriously don't know what I would do without you." I realized that my statement closely echoed what Frank had previously told me when he had been upset about his father, and the fact that we both meant so much to each other made me smile.

I truly meant what I said, and even though I knew it would be hard to actually ask for help when I had suffered for so long on my own, I was willing to force myself to do it for Frank.

"Well you won't have to find out." And with those words, Frank pressed his perfect lips against mine, and I melted into his kiss. His touch erased all the pain and sorrow from earlier, and I lost myself in the way he made me feel.

Frank was my lifeline, and I clung to him with all the strength that I possessed.


	9. This is the best day ever

Over the next few weeks, I struggled to resist the allure of the blade. Now that I had done it once, it had become an addiction, and I craved the way it made me feel.

With Frank's help, I managed to stay mostly clean though, with only one or two instances where I couldn't get a hold of him and I ended up giving in to my sick mind. I always felt terribly guilty afterward, but Frank never berated me or got angry about it. He was so caring and gentle with me...I still couldn't believe that this amazing person was actually my boyfriend.

"So are you excited about your birthday Frank?"

Tomorrow was Halloween - also known as the day Frank would turn fourteen, and lessen our age gap a bit. I know I was looking forward to it; luckily tomorrow was Saturday, which meant no school to interrupt our time together, and I had an amazing date planned for Frank - he just didn't know it yet.

"Hell yeah I am, I can't wait to go trick or treating!"

"Aren't you a little old for that?" Mikey questioned.

"I will never be too old for free candy - are you crazy? Plus I am so short that people assume I am still twelve," Frank giggled.

"Do you have anything else planned?" I pried while silently begging that he didn't. I probably should have made sure that he wasn’t busy before today, but I hadn’t wanted to ruin the surprise.

"Nah - both my parents have to work overtime, so I will probably just hang with you if that's okay?"

"Perfect." I grinned to myself, this was going to be the best Halloween ever.

\-------------------------------------------

I awoke unusually early; a typically weekend involved me sleeping in until noon - if not later, but I was just too excited about seeing Frank today to keep my eyes closed.

Instead of lying in my bed and staring at the ceiling, I decided to get dressed and face the day; I couldn't remember the last time I had seen the world at nine in the morning, besides when I was in school - maybe it would be interesting.

After pulling on my favorite pair of skinny jeans and my Misfits shirt, I attempted to calm down my messy hair, and I even added a touch of eyeliner; I wasn’t ashamed to admit that I was trying to look better than usual to impress Frank.

When I headed downstairs, Mikey was already awake as well...crazy kid didn't know the joys of sleeping in.

"Holy shit...the world is ending - Gerard Way has awoken at a decent hour!" Mikey teased me.

"Hardy har har..." I responded sarcastically.

"Seriously bro - why are you awake?"

"I couldn't sleep, so I decided to see what my lame brother does on a Saturday morning."

"Well unless you are going to come to my track meet, then you won't be able to observe the rare Mikey in his natural habitat." I chuckled to myself at his reply. I swear my brother and I were overdosed on sass when we were born.

"Nah - I'll pass, I have plans with Frank later."

"Have fun on your date!" Mikey called out as he ran upstairs to change into his uniform. I winced at his loud tone, but thankfully mom was still asleep, so she didn't hear.

Frank didn't make his way over to my house until about one in the afternoon, and by that time I was sequestered in my room, blaring my music louder than was probably healthy for my poor ears, but that was just the way I liked it.

So of course I didn't hear the doorbell ringing, and apparently Frank took it upon himself to come right on in and basically give me a heart attack by jumping on my bed and scaring the shit out of me. After my heart rate had returned to normal, I pulled Frank into a long hug and kissed the top of his head.

"Happy birthday baby." I smiled to myself as he snuggled deeper into my arms.

"So what are we doing today?" he questioned me eagerly.

"It's a surprise, but I know you will love it."

"I love surprises!" Frank shouted, sounding like a five year old in a candy store, which was one of the most adorable things ever.

"Come on - let’s go." I grabbed Frank's gloved hand and basically dragged him out the front door.

We had to walk; even though I had a license, I was missing a car, which was a necessarily component involved in driving, but I didn't mind since it gave me more time with Frank.

We chatted about everything and nothing as we made our way toward the destination I had hidden from him, and I soaked up every word that fell from his lips. I was falling so hard for this boy - it was almost scary.

Finally the sounds of small children laughing became audible, and the edge of a massive corn maze came into view.

"Oh my god Gerard - no fucking way, is this what I think it is?" Frank squealed excitedly. I nodded my head in response, and he attacked me with a hug.

"I have wanted to go to a pumpkin patch all month, but my mom didn't have time to take me, and she said I was too old to go this year anyway - thank you so much!" he basically yelled into my ear since his arms were still wrapped around my neck.

"I thought you might like it."

"Like it? I love it!"

So Frank and I spent the day terrorizing the pumpkin patch. We got our faces painted, and spent forever trying to get out of the surprisingly complicated corn maze. Frank even got a pony ride, but I refused because the horse wouldn't stop looking at me funny.

When we eventually left, we were both grinning like idiots and clutching the pumpkins we had picked out to take home and carve.

"That was the best birthday present ever Gerard," Frank gushed on our way back home.

"The day isn't over yet Frankie, you still have to open your real presents."

"Aw Gerard, you didn't have to get me anything!"

"Too late - I already did." I stuck my tongue out at him as he tried to punch me in the arm, but he almost dropped his pumpkin in the process, and I skipped out of his reach.

Mikey had returned from his track meet when we arrived home, so we all went over to Frank's house to carve the pumpkins since my mom wanted to rest before she had to work her night shift at the hospital.

Mikey lugged over Frank's presents since my hands were still full of pumpkin, but despite Frank's pleading, I refused to let him open them yet. Instead - we gave faces to our orange friends; I made mine into a vampire, and Frank attempted to make his look like Jack Skellington, but it ended up looking like a creepy fat man by the time Frank was done.

Darkness had fallen by this point, but I wasn't feeling tired at all, even with how early I had woken up.

"Can we go trick or treating now?" Frank begged.

"It's your birthday, so we can do whatever you want," I gave in, even though the thought of asking my neighbors for candy made me feel ridiculous.

"Hurray! Just let me go change - I think I might even have some extra costumes for you guys too."

Mikey shook his head and said he was going to call it a night, but I grudgingly agreed, and that's how I found myself traversing around the neighborhood in a batman costume with Frank, who had dressed up as a zombie. He made one adorable dead person, and I had to control the constant urge to grab his hand or press a kiss to his cheek; I didn't want to give our nosy neighbors anything to gossip to our parents about.

When Frank had collected enough candy to put him in a diabetic coma, we finally returned to his still empty house.

"Where are your parents, shouldn’t they be home by now?" I asked out of curiosity.

"Mom is working late again, and I don’t know where my stepdad is...probably out at a bar or something." Frank's tone was light, but I could sense the hidden loneliness behind his words.

"Well - I will stay with you until your mom gets home. Plus...you still have to open your presents."

"Oh yeah - I can't believe I almost forgot about that."

Frank pounced on the wrapped packages and began ripping the paper off the one Mikey had gotten him. It was a Black Flag t-shirt that we had noticed him eyeing when we walked around the mall last weekend.

"Oh wow - I love it! Remind me to thank Mikey when I see him next."

Frank then moved on to the package I had gotten him, leaving the largest one for last of course. The look of delight when he opened the gloves I had picked out - which were designed to look like skeleton fingers - left a bubbly warmth in my stomach.

"Gee - they are perfect!" Frank pushed me back onto the couch with the force of his embrace, and I couldn’t contain my grin that stretched from ear to ear.

"I hoped you would like them since you are always wearing gloves."

"Your timing is amazing, because these ones are on their last leg." He immediately replaced his tattered black gloves with the ones I had bought him, and I loved the way they looked on his small hands.

"Go on, open your last present. It is from all of us, including my mom."

Frank's breath hitched in his throat when he finally removed the wrapping from the final present. He turned to me with a wide eyed stare, his mouth opened and closed, but he seemed to be struck speechless.

"Is this really for me?" he stuttered out.

"Yep, your mom told us you had been dying to have one, and we all chipped in on it. Do you like it?"

"Hell yes - oh my god, I can't believe you guys did this for me!"

He opened the box lovingly and cradled the white Les Paul guitar to his chest. Experimentally - he played a few notes before gently setting it back down. Beaming with joy, he pressed a kiss to my lips, and I melted against him.

"This has been the best birthday ever Gerard. Thank you so much," he whispered when we finally broke apart.

"You deserved it Frankie."

"You want to know what my favorite part was?"

"The guitar?" I guessed.

"No silly, it was getting to spend the entire day with you."

That was the final push over the ledge that I had built around my heart, and I knew - without a doubt - that I was in love with Frank Iero.


	10. So shut your eyes

As the clock’s red numbers flipped over to twelve am, I sighed heavily. I should be sleeping since I had school in the morning, but I had been struggling with insomnia on and off for quite some time now, and it seemed like I wasn't going to get any rest tonight.

Usually when this happened, I would drink myself senseless until I collapsed in a stupor, but I had really been striving to be better lately thanks to Frank. I realized that when I did terrible things to my own body, that I hurt him as well, and I never wanted to be the cause of his pain.

Thinking of Frank caused a small smile to form on my lips. Things had been going really well for us lately, I had never felt closer to anyone, and I hadn't realized how much one person could change my life. I was even starting to improve in school now that I had the motivation of seeing Frank to make me go to class.

The only downside lately was that Frank was starting to make friends beside for Mikey and I. It really shouldn't bother me as much as it did, but seeing Frank laugh and smile with someone else caused a pool of jealously to form in the pit of my stomach.

I really tried to be happy for him, I mean - just because I was an outcast, that didn't mean Frank had to be one...but it was really difficult for me since I was used to having Frank all to myself.

One girl in particular drove me crazy; her name was Jamia, and I swore she liked Frank as more than just a friend. It didn't matter that I knew Frank was gay and that he was with me, I still hated seeing her nasty whore hands anywhere near my boyfriend.

I hadn't told Frank any of this though, I didn't want him to think I was some super possessive psycho and leave me. Mikey kept telling me that I had nothing to worry about, and it was obvious that Frank only had eyes for me...but I was still harboring some major insecurities.

I was just so afraid that he would realize what a fucked up person I truly was, and that he would find someone better than me.

Speaking of Frank, I had been trying to get a hold of him; talking to him seemed to help me relax, but his phone was off, and I assumed he must have crashed out for the night.

So instead of lying in bed and wasting the time away until I finally managed to fall asleep, I dragged myself to my desk and pulled out a worn notebook. I might as well do something productive if I was going to be awake all night.

I had been given an assignment by my music teacher to write a song, and even though it wasn't due for a few more weeks, I decided to start on it. There wasn't much else to do in the dead of night anyway.

I began singing softly to myself; even though I would never perform in front of other people, I actually really enjoyed doing it. Lyrics filled my mind, and as I wrote them down, the music filled me, as if the song was just waiting for me to put words to it.

Looking back over my work, I smiled in satisfaction, hopefully my music teacher would like it as much as I did. Knowing myself though, I would probably read it over again in the morning and end up hating it, but for now, I basked in the feeling of producing something I was proud of.

Singing a little louder, I tested out how the words flowed with the music, but just when I found a perfect mixture of both, I was interrupted by the sound of something hitting my window.

Hesitantly - I pulled back my curtains to see what had made the noise, keeping the latch locked just in case it was a murderer, or something else equally as terrifying. It was too dark to see anything without turning on a light, and I was beginning to freak myself out.

Preparing my body to run in case a masked man with a blade tried to attack me - I had been watching way too many horror movies - I flicked on the flashlight app on my phone, illuminating the side of the house.

Now I could see what had made the noise; Frank stood in my yard with his arms wrapped around himself, shivering in the light drizzle that had been falling all night.

"Baby - what are you doing here?" I exclaimed.

"Can I come in? I'm sorry - I know it's late, but I don't know where else to go."

"Yeah - of course." I held an arm down to him and pulled him over my window sill into the warmth of my room. Frank's hand felt like ice against mine, and I wondered how long he had been out in the cold.

"Let me get you some dry clothes." I tossed him a pair of sweatpants and an old t-shirt that was too small for me now, which he donned gratefully.

"I'm sorry for busting in like this...I hope I didn't wake you up."

"You didn't, and even if you did - I'm glad you came to me. What happened? Where have you been?"

Mud splattered Frank's skinny jeans, and he was soaked to the bone. Now that he was inside, I noticed blood staining his hairline, and his eyes were glassy with exhaustion and fear. My heartbeat sped up as I took in his battered condition, and I had to remind myself to take deep breaths to keep calm.

"I don't know..." Frank began to shiver violently. Gathering him into my arms, I sat him down on the bed and stroked his hair soothingly.

"Shush it's okay - I've got you..." I whispered. Even though I didn't want to push Frank, I was desperate to know what had happened. Usually I was the emotional wreck in this relationship, while Frank was the one who picked me up; having the tables turned like this was frightening, and I didn't know what to do.

"Can you tell me what happened?"

Frank just buried his face in the crook of my neck and began to sob harshly. I hated seeing him like this; I wanted to find the source of his pain, and make sure that it never hurt him again, but I couldn’t do that if I didn’t know what was wrong with him in the first place.

"My...my stepdad..." Frank hiccupped when his tears finally ebbed.

"Did he hurt you?" I growled low in my throat.

"I just...I don't know why he hates me so much. He came home from the bar, and he was really drunk. He got fired from his job recently, and he has been spending all of his free time there lately. I only went downstairs to get a drink of water, and he started screaming at me for being up. He just went crazy...I tried to text my mom, and he threw my phone against the wall and broke it. I didn't know what to do, so I left...he tossed a beer bottle at me on the way out, and it hit me in the head. I didn't stop though - I just kept running..." Frank ended on a wail, and I clutched his frail form as tightly as I could.

"That fucker..." I hissed.

"I'm so sorry I bothered you Gee, I just didn't know what to do...I can't go home right now."

"Don't you dare apologize. I want you to come to me. I will always be here when you need me, and please never forget that. I lo-" Pulling myself up short before I uttered those three terrifying words, I tried to play it off as nothing, but Frank noticed.

"What did you say?" he asked timidly. I debated whether I should lie or not, but it was too late to hide my feelings now, and maybe hearing it would be just what Frank needed in this moment.

"I said I love you..." I mumbled as quietly as I could. Frank stared at me in awe before pressing his cold lips against mine.

Melting into his kiss, I felt like a massive pressure had been removed from my heart. Frank hadn't spurned me or turned away, and even though we hadn't been together for very long, I truly believed that my feelings for him were never going to change.

"I love you too." Frank smiled after we had pulled apart. He nuzzled my nose playful, and it was the cutest fucking thing in the whole wide world.

"I don't know what I would do without you Gerard," he sighed as I laid down with him on top of my chest.

"Well you won't have to find out," I repeated the words that Frank had uttered to me when I had been at my lowest not too long ago, I meant them with all my heart too.

As Frank's breathing became more even, and he drifted off in my bed, I felt a strong wave of emotion overtake me. Frank really needed me...and that was something I hadn't experienced before.

I had never had someone actually depend on me, or turn to me with their problems, usually it was the other way around. Even with Mikey, I never felt like he truly relied on me, he was so self-sufficient that people mistook him for the older brother more often than not.

For the first time in my life, I felt like I had someone I was compelled to fight for...someone who required me to protect them. It gave me a sense of strength and purpose that I had so desperately been searching for.

I would give my life for Frank's, I knew that without question. Now I just had to figure out a way to save him from his own family...

Frank began to stir restlessly in his sleep, and I clutched him closer as he emitted a soft cry. If I had to guess - I would say he was having a nightmare…

I debated on waking him to end the horror of his dreams, but he needed sleep, and I was worried he wouldn’t be able to close his eyes after I woke him up.

Without thinking about it, I began to sing the song I had composed only minutes before.

_Late dawns and early sunsets, just like my favorite scenes_

_Then holding hands and life was perfect, just like up on the screen_

_And the whole time while always giving_

_Counting your face among the living_

_Elevators and half price sales, trapped in by all these mountains_

_Running away and hiding with you_

_I never thought they'd get me here_

_Not knowing you'd change from just one bite_

_I fought them all off just to hold you close and tight_

_But does anyone notice?_

_But does anyone care?_

_And if I had the guts to put this to your head..._

_But would anything matter if you're already dead?_

_And well should I be shocked now by the last thing you said?_

_Before I pull this trigger,_

_Your eyes vacant and stained..._

Frank’s uneasy tossing ceased, and he snuggled even closer to me with a sigh. I wasn’t sure if he had heard me or not, but I was ecstatic that he was sleeping so contently in my arms.

Pressing a light kiss to his forehead, I felt my love for him swelling to an unimaginable level. Getting as comfortable as possible without disturbing Frank, I closed my own eyes, and finally slipped into unconsciousness with the boy I adored by my side.


	11. You can hide a lot about yourself

I was having a fantastic dream about Frank and I living together in our own apartment, without any parents or restrictions, when my arch enemy - the alarm clock - decided to ruin it for me. Scowling at it irritably as if that would turn it off, I finally got out of bed and hit the snooze button.

Frank was still fast asleep, and I decided to let him rest as long as possible while I hopped in the shower.

While I was lathering up my dark locks with shampoo, I pondered what to do about Frank's situation with his stepdad. I couldn't let him go back to that harmful environment, but he was much too young to get his own place, and he couldn't stay in my house indefinitely - as much as I would love that.

All I could think of was that we would have to tell Frank's mom what had happened, and hopefully she could protect him when I wasn't able to. I was still worried though, she worked all the time, and it was inevitable that Frank would be left alone with his stepdad at some point.

Shutting off the water with a dejected sigh, I retreated back into my room and began pulling on a pair of black skinny jeans and a Green Day shirt. I wasn't sure if Frank would be emotionally okay to go to school today, and my mom had already left for work, so she wouldn't know if I skipped or not.

I sat down on the end of the bed and began stroking my boyfriend’s hair gently - I would never get tired of calling him that. Frank stirred and raised his sleep tousled head, emitting an adorable yawn in the process.

"Hey Gee," he mumbled quietly.

"Morning gorgeous." I smiled down at him warmly.

"What time is it?"

"Seven-thirty, but we don't have to go to school today if you aren't up for it."

"I'd rather not..."

"How are you feeling?" I asked tentatively.

"Better than last night, but still not that great. I just don't know what to do Gee...I'm scared to go back home."

"I know baby...I think we need to tell your mom what happened though."

"I don't know...I mean - what if she doesn't believe me? She is head over heels for my stepdad, and in the past when I have tried to tell her about his drinking, she has just brushed me off," Frank ended on a wail.

"That was before he hurt you though. She has to believe you now," I encouraged him.

"I guess you are right. She is probably at work already...can I borrow your phone so I can call her?"

I handed him my iPhone and watched his face scrunch up in concentration as he pulled the number out of his memory. He placed the phone to his ear and absentmindedly tapped his fingers against his knees while waiting for someone to pick up.

I laced my fingers through his errant ones and squeezed gently, letting him know I was here for him.

"Can I talk to Linda Iero please?" Frank’s voice shook slightly as he spoke.

Another few moments passed as the call was transferred over, and I could feel the nervous tension radiating off of Frank.

"Hey mom - it's me. Are you busy? I kinda need to talk to you about something important."

I couldn't hear the other end of the conversation, so I just waited patiently for Frank to begin talking again.

"Well...um...it's about dad...he came home really drunk last night, and he broke my phone, and threw a beer bottle at me."

The voice on the other line became shrill, and even though I couldn't understand the words, I knew Frank's mom was upset.

"What...no - why would I lie? No - you can't talk to him right now, I'm not at home….Fine - you do that, but I never thought I would see the day when you trusted someone you barely know over your own son! Whatever mom…Don't expect me to come home tonight." Frank hung up the phone as tears pooled in his eyes.

"She called me a liar...she said she was going to get his side of the story, but I can tell she thinks I am making it all up...she said I am just trying to get attention because I miss my dad..." I pulled Frank into my arms as he sobbed brokenly.

"Frankie - I am so sorry..." I whispered. I couldn't believe that bitch would say those terrible things to her own son.

"What do I do now?" he choked out.

"Well for now, you are going to spend the day with me. I will ask my mom if you can stay the night, I am sure she won't mind. We will figure this out okay? Let's just take it one day at a time."

"Can we go get coffee?" he sniffled.

"I will buy you all the coffee you can drink." I smiled down at him.

So I spent the entire day with Frank, trying to keep his mind distracted from the horrors that awaited him at home. I took him to Starbucks - even though their coffee is way too expensive, but it's fucking delicious - where we wasted away the morning drinking inhuman amounts of coffee and just enjoying each other's company.

Afterwards - we decided to walk around the mall, even though we were both too broke to afford anything, we still had fun window shopping, and Frank needed to get a new phone since his old one was destroyed - thank god for insurance.

"Frankie!" A shrill voice broke through our conversation, and I groaned when I saw Jamia bouncing toward us.

"Hey Jamia," Frank gave her a halfhearted wave, and I had to admit that it made me happier than it should have that he didn't seem too enthusiastic about her presence.

My good mood dissipated like smoke on the wind when she wrapped her arms around him in a hug, causing him to release the hold he had on my hand.

"Why weren't you at school? We missed you." Jamia giggled like an idiot as she flipped her hair over her shoulder, and I had to literally bite my tongue to keep myself from saying something hurtful.

"Oh umm - sorry, I just didn't feel like going today."

As they continued talking, I went and sat down on a nearby empty bench and buried my face in my hands. I knew they were just having a normal conversation, but I actually felt like I was going to be sick from jealousy.

I was being plagued with the same sense of loneliness that I was so used to enduring before Frank came into my life…I had forgotten how desolate my existence was before him, and now the sensations came crashing back all at once.

Frank wasn't doing anything wrong, and I wasn't mad at him for chatting with a friend, I was just disgusted with myself.

Frank was so social and easy to like, even if he didn't have me, he would be fine. On the other hand - if I didn't have Frank, I would be adrift; I had become so attached to him in such a short amount of time that it was terrifying.

There was this evil part of my mind that wouldn't leave me alone whenever I felt like this, and it was firing at full speed right now.

_Frank doesn't need you…_

_He has so many other people that care about him…_

_Maybe he doesn't even love you…_

_He could be bi..._

_Jamia would be such a better girlfriend for him than you are a boyfriend…_

_You are just dragging him down…_

I groaned softly and willed my self-destructive thoughts to shut the fuck up for one second. Squeezing my eyes closed in a desperate attempt to silence my brain, I pressed my palms against my eyelids so hard, I started seeing spots.

When I felt a hand touch my shoulder gently, I almost squealed from fright - god that would have been embarrassing. I lifted my head and looked up at Frank, who was gazing down at me questioningly.

"Are you okay Gee? You just disappeared back there."

"Yeah - I'm fine, I just have a headache...that's all," I lied through my teeth.

I couldn't tell him what was actually bothering me, he had enough on his plate already. Plus - it wasn't like he could do anything to help me, he wasn't the one being a shameless flirt.

"Do you want to head back to your house?"

I nodded in response, and we left the mall. Frank waved goodbye to Jamia as we passed her, and I grit my teeth together painfully.

After we had dropped by Frank's house to gather up a couple changes of clothes and his school things - we made sure his stepdad was gone first of course - we retreated back to my home. Frank had continued to ask me if I was really okay, but I kept shrugging him off.

My silly problems didn't need voicing, and even though I didn't like hiding things from him, I decided that it would be best if I kept quiet. I would tell him one day...maybe.

My mom was working a double shift again, and Mikey was spending the night at his friend Ray's, so we had the house to ourselves for the night.

I was grateful for that, as much as I loved my mom and brother, I didn't want to have to interact with anyone else besides Frank right now. Today had been mentally exhausting for me, but Frank seemed to have cheered up, which was the whole point of taking him out.

"Can we watch The Nightmare Before Christmas?" Frank asked eagerly once we had gotten all of his stuff stowed away.

"Again? You have watched that movie at least ten times since I met you," I teased.

"Because it is the best fucking movie ever - duh!"

"Well I can't say no to you, just let me put it in."

After I got the DVD player set up, we cuddled together on the couch, and even though we had both seen this movie a hundred times, I really enjoyed it. Everything seemed better with Frank around, even movies.

When the credits started rolling, I shut off the TV and glanced down at Frank. He had fallen asleep leaning against my shoulder, and he looked so adorable, I wanted to take a picture so I could carry it with me forever.

I scooped him into my arms and carried him upstairs to my room, trying my best not to jostle him. I tucked him into bed before changing into a pair of sweatpants and slipping under the covers beside him.

“Gee?” When I glanced down at Frank, he was staring back up at me with a wary look in his eyes.

“Yeah baby?”

“Does it ever bother you that we don’t do - uh - physical stuff?” Frank stammered out nervously.

“What do you mean?”

“Like - you know…all we ever do is kiss…” Frank trailed off awkwardly, and I felt my cheeks flame bright red when I understood what he was saying.

“Does it bother you?” I asked, trying to gain myself some more time to think up an answer.

“No…actually - I like it. I have never done anything besides kiss before, and I kind of want to keep it that way for now. I was just wondering if you were okay with it?”

Honestly - I had never really thought about it in too much detail. I was a seventeen year old, and every now and then I would imagine it - especially when I was in the shower, but I hadn’t considered actually taking things any further with Frank. He was too young for one, and I didn’t want to put either of us in a position that could get him or I in trouble, but that wasn’t the only reason.

I was happy with our relationship the way it was, I could kiss him for years and never get bored of it, so I wasn’t desperate to bring sex into the equation. It could complicate everything, and honestly I was scared; I was still a virgin, and I wanted to wait until we were both one hundred percent ready.

“I feel the same way. I am perfectly happy with what we have right now,” I finally answered Frank when I had gathered my thoughts.

“Are you sure? You don’t have to lie to me to protect my feelings,” Frank pressed me.

“I’m not lying baby - trust me. I have never done anything with anyone before you either, so this is all new to me too. I want to take our time and make this special.”

“Thank fuck…I was hoping you would say that.”

“Did I give you the impression that I was unhappy?” I wanted to know what had caused Frank to have these thoughts, because if it was something I had done, I needed to know so I could make sure I wouldn’t do it again.

“Well - I guess it just popped into my head recently since I have been staying over at your house. I know most people your age want to do…that stuff, and I just wanted to make sure that I wasn’t - fuck I don’t know - holding you back from a relationship with someone else.” Frank twisted his hands nervously as he spoke.

“Frank I would never think that. I love you okay - more than I ever knew it was possible to love a person. I don’t want anyone else, and I don’t think I ever will.”

“Really?”

“Of course.” I leaned down and pressed a gentle kiss to Frank’s cheek. He closed his eyes in contentment and snuggled into my side.

"Gee can you sing to me again?" Frank asked without opening his eyes.

"You heard that last night?" I blushed fiercely.

"Mhmm - your voice is amazing. Pretty please?"

I couldn't deny him, so I took a deep breath and began to sing. It was nerve wracking knowing that Frank was listening to me, but I slowly gained confidence as Frank smiled and began humming along with me.

As I continued the song, all of my worries from earlier dropped away like petals from a dying flower. The way Frank gazed up at me with adoration in his eyes reassured my twisted mind that he loved me...and only me.


	12. A drink for the horror that I'm in

I awoke at four in the morning with a jolt, my heart was racing and I felt sick - not physically, but mentally. My dreams had been filled with dark thoughts and hateful voices; it felt like my mind was screaming at me, and as much as I tried to ignore it, I couldn't go back to sleep.

It was such a strange sensation, as if every nerve in my body was hypersensitive, and my brain was running at a thousand miles an hour. Every time I closed my eyes, the force of my thoughts intensified, and I felt as if I was going to have a panic attack.

This hasn't happened to me in a quite a while...not since Frank and I had gotten together, but it seemed even more powerful because of the long hiatus. This was why I used to drink myself into a stupor every evening, when I was wasted, my brain shut off, and I was able to sleep through the night without interruption.

After tossing and turning for a few more minutes, I abandoned any thought of sleep and slowly crept out of bed, being careful not to wake Frank. I needed to do something to shut my mind up...but what?

I had a barely touched bottle of vodka under my bed, but if I started drinking now, I wouldn't be able to stop, and I had to be up for school in a few hours - that left only one other option...the blade.

The reasonable voice in the back of my mind put up a feeble argument, but it was quickly silenced. I needed some sort of release before I went insane, and even though I knew I would regret it in a few hours, I couldn't resist the allure of silence.

My chest was tightening painfully, and I knew I was going to have a breakdown soon if I didn't do something.

On silent feet, I crept to the bathroom with a razor clutched in my sweaty palm. The house was quiet, everyone was still asleep, and I envied them the peace they found in their dreams, when I only seemed to find nightmares.

I didn't know why I felt this way, it was as if my mind was diseased, and it was doing its best to poison the rest of my body. I hated myself for it, but what could I do?

Even though my life was technically going well right now, I should have known that I was too fucked up to truly maintain happiness.

Locking the door behind me, I put down the lid of the toilet so I could use it as a chair. Now that I was alone, I tried to force myself to rethink what I was about to do, but the desire to cut only became stronger the longer I sat there, so I gave in to what my mind wanted me to do.

Deciding to ruin my thighs instead of my wrists so it wouldn't arouse as much suspicion, I removed my pajama bottoms and held the blade against my pale legs. I shouldn't be doing this...if Frank found out he would be so upset with me for not coming to him...but he didn't need me dumping all of my problems on him, especially not when he had so many of his own worries to deal with.

With everything he had going on in his life right now, the last thing he required was another stressor, and that's all I felt I would be at the moment.

Before I could think about it any further, I drew the blade quickly against my skin, feeling the burning sensation that I had grown to love.

I released an audible sigh when I felt some of the tension leave my body as I watched the crimson blood welling to the surface. I continued to mark myself until my mind had quieted to a somewhat normal state and my thighs were covered in angry red cuts.

I felt like such a fuck up for finding pleasure in pain, but I did...honesty - I felt better than I had in days now that I had finally given in to the urge to self-harm.

With shaking hands, I cleaned myself up as best I could and returned to my bedroom, restoring my razor to its hiding place.

I felt guilty for not waking Frank; I had promised to always tell him when I felt the urge to cut again, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it tonight. I knew that this time, I wouldn't have been able to relax until I had found some way to release my pent up emotion, and nothing he would have said could have taken back my actions.

I snuck under the covers without disturbing him, and I relished the sting I felt in my thighs. Before my mind could emerge from the coma I had put it in, I closed my eyes and slipped back to sleep for a few more hours.

\-------------------------------------------

Time seemed to be dragging today, and I couldn't wait until school was finally over. My history teacher’s droning voice was threatening to put me to sleep, and I had to constantly shake myself to keep awake.

My notes consisted of random doodles instead of any actual information, I knew I should be listening because we had a test on Friday, but I couldn't force myself to concentrate today.

I had managed to hide what I had done last night from Frank, and I didn't think he was suspicious. His mother had called him this morning - asking him to come home, and he had been preoccupied with his own thoughts the whole way to school.

I was really worried about him...as much as I wanted him to, he couldn't stay with me forever. My mom was going to start asking questions eventually, and I knew neither of us would be able to answer them to her satisfaction.

It had crossed my mind that I should tell her about Frank's situation and see if she could help, but he had shot that idea down when I mentioned it. He said he didn't want to drag my family into his life, and I had done enough for him already.

I could tell he was considering going back home, and that scared me. Now that the horror of what his stepdad had done was beginning to fade, I knew Frank was starting to think that maybe it wouldn't happen again.

His mother had told him that it was all an accident, and that his stepdad never meant to hurt him. She promised that if he came home, he would stop drinking, and everything would be perfect again.

Maybe he would, but I didn't believe that for a second; he might not touch Frank for a week - or even a month, but some day he would fall into the bottle again, and I didn't want my baby in his line of fire.

"Mr. Way?" My history teacher’s voice snapped me out of my musings, and I glanced up at him sheepishly.

"The bell rang a minute ago, and I don't believe that you enjoy my class so much that you would elect to stay here instead of going home."

"Oh - I'm sorry sir" I blushed bright red as I fumbled with my notebook and bag before exiting the room rapidly.

As I headed toward my locker, I decided that I needed to talk to Frank about everything I was thinking. I knew he would have to go back home soon, but I didn't want him alone with his stepdad.

Maybe he could stay home during the day, and come over to my house whenever his mom worked late. It wasn't a perfect solution, but it was better than nothing, and hopefully he would be open to the idea.

I quickened my steps; Frank was probably waiting for me already, and I didn't want him to worry, but when I approached my locker, I couldn't spot his dark head of hair anywhere...that's strange - he usually waits for me here so we can walk home together.

After stowing the books I wasn't going to need for the night and waiting a few more minutes for Frank to show up, I decided to go looking for him. Maybe he had gotten detention, or his teacher had held him back to talk to him about something.

I walked through the now mostly deserted hallways, keeping my eyes peeled for any sign of my boyfriend. When I reached his classroom, I found it empty...now I was really beginning to get nervous.

I pulled out my phone and sent him a quick text - asking where he was, but when I still hadn't received a reply five minutes later, I stuffed it back into my pocket with a frustrated sigh.

I decided to check our bench to see if he was out there, even though he usually would tell me if he had snuck off for a smoke, but he wasn't there either.

As I continued to search for him, I tried not to let my thoughts get carried away, but that was like trying not to breathe. Why wouldn't Frank have told me if he had something going on after school? That wasn't like him, and the only reason I could come up with was that he didn't want me to know.

I knew I was overreacting, but that didn't stop the growing panic that was beginning to overtake my body. I tried to calm myself down by repeating over and over that everything was fine, but my brain refused to believe me.

After checking the detention hall and the music room, I gave up and turned my feet toward the school entrance. I didn't know where else Frank could possibly be, and I didn't want to have a breakdown on school grounds.

I sent a text to Mikey - asking if he had seen Frank, but I highly doubted he had, he was going to Ray's after school, and they were probably already there by now.

The only other option I could think of was that maybe Frank had gone back to his house after school, and he had been afraid to tell me because of how I might have reacted.

I had reached the entrance of the school by now, and as I was pushing the heavy front doors open, I froze in shock when I saw who was in the courtyard. Frank and Jamia stood underneath a shaded pillar, and if I hadn't been looking so hard for him, I might have missed them completely.

Silently - I let the door ease shut, and I watched from my hiding place to try and ascertain what was going on. They seemed to be locked in deep conversation; I wished that I could hear what they were saying, but that would be impossible without giving away my location.

Just as I was plucking up the courage to walk outside and interrupt them, Jamia leaned forward and wrapped her arms around my boyfriend’s neck before pressing her lips against his in a full on kiss.

I felt my stomach literally sink down to my feet as I witnessed my boyfriend blatantly cheat on me. My vision went blurry and I thought I was going to be sick right then and there.

Unable to watch anymore, I spun around and blindly ran to the nearest bathroom, where I proceeded to throw up the small amount of food I had eaten that day. Once my stomach was empty, I made my way toward the back exit on shaking legs.

Frank was cheating on me...with a girl...I couldn't erase the image of their lip lock from my mind, and it was destroying me. How could he do this to me...he told me he loved me!

I should have known it was all a lie...no one could love an ugly fucked up piece of shit like me. I shouldn't even be surprised, but I truly thought what Frank and I had was special.

Somehow I made it home, even though I could barely see where I was going through my haze of tears. My phone has been blowing up the entire way, but I angrily switched it off before throwing it on the kitchen counter.

I was in emotional agony, it felt as if there was a dagger lodged in my heart, and each time I thought of Frank, it was twisted even deeper inside me. A sob tore its way out of my chest, and I threw myself onto my bed as the bitter tears overwhelmed me.

Never before had I felt so utterly devastated. Frank was the best thing in my life, but he obviously didn't care about me the way I did for him.

I couldn't believe I was stupid enough to actually think someone like him could love me? I shouldn’t have been so surprised though; I didn't deserve him...I knew that from the start, so why was I so shocked that he was cheating on me?

I pulled out the bottle of vodka that had remained untouched for so long, and took a large sip of the clear substance. I welcomed the familiar burn as the liquor slid down my throat...oh god I had missed this.

In no time at all, the bottle was mostly empty, and I was borderline drunk. Imbued with liquid courage, I went downstairs and checked my phone to see what Frank had to say for himself.

After scrolling through a few texts from Mikey - saying that he hadn't seen Frank, and asking if everything was okay, I opened the ones from my supposed boyfriend.

 **From Frankie <3:** Hey Gee where are you?

 **From Frankie <3:** Are you at home?

 **From Frankie <3:** Sorry I am so late something came up

When I read the last text, I threw the bottle of vodka that was still clutched in my hand against the wall, where it shattered with a resounding crash.

Something came up...that's the fucking explanation he decided to give me!

My sobs resumed in earnest, and I fell to the cold kitchen tiles, clutching my stomach as if that would lessen the pain.

Was it possible to die of a broken heart, because I was pretty sure that I was?

The evil voice in my head returned full force now that I was defenseless and alone.

_Without Frank - what is the point in living…_

_No one loves you…_

_No one would miss you…_

_You would be doing the world a favor…_

_Just end it all…_

I dragged myself to my feet and returned upstairs to where I had hidden my blades. Today I would give the voice what it wanted...I was done with this pathetic excuse for a life, and I was ready to sleep forever...


	13. Fake your death

**Frank's POV**

When I walked into math class - my least favorite subject - I was prepared to sleep my way through another monotonous lecture, but my nap was disrupted by soft sniffling sounds coming from behind me.

The teacher's back was turned since he was drawing some weird ass triangles on the board, so I spun around to see Jamia sobbing quietly.

I really liked Jamia, she was a nice girl, and one of the few people I actually enjoyed being around, we had similar music tastes too, which was always a bonus. I was surprised to see her crying, usually she was so happy it was border lining on hyperactive.

"Hey what's wrong?" I whispered, hoping the teacher didn't hear me.

"Oh...uh..." she began wiping her eyes hurriedly in embarrassment.

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. I just don't like seeing you sad."

"No it's okay...it's just that..."

"Jamia! Frank! Stop talking and pay attention please," the teacher - whose name I couldn't be bothered to remember - snapped at us, and I turned around with what I hoped was a chastened look on my face.

Once he had gone back to his pointless scribbling, Jamia slipped a note onto my desk, and I opened it as quietly as I could.

**Meet me after class in front of the school? I could really use someone to talk to.**

I scribbled out my response in my basically ineligible handwriting, hoping she would be able to read it.

_**I'll be there** _

I snuck the note back to her, and then proceeded to try and at least fake paying attention so I wouldn't get yelled at again. A few minutes later, Jamia raised her hand and asked to be excused to go to the bathroom. With an exasperated expression on his face, the teacher agreed, and she bolted out the door as if she couldn't get out of the room fast enough.

I wasn't surprised when Jamia still hadn't returned by the time the final bell chimed out. Something was really eating at her...I hoped she was all right.

I pulled out my phone with the intention to text Gerard and tell him I would be a bit late meeting up with him, but I was met with a black screen. Stupid me forgot to charge my phone last night, and now it was dead. Oh well - I was pretty sure there was an outlet by the pillars out front, so I would text him then.

I gathered all my stuff and darted out the main doors of the school, but I didn't see Jamia anywhere yet. My lungs itched for a cigarette, but this area was too exposed, and I didn't want to get caught by a teacher, so I would have to wait.

I had just gotten my phone plugged in when I felt a hand on my shoulder, and I turned around to see Jamia's tear stained face.

"Hey there," I smiled up at her warmly.

"Thanks for meeting me Frank. I am sorry you had to see me like that," she blushed faintly.

"It's okay. You are my friend, and I was just worried about you. Do you want to tell me what happened?"

"Yeah...it's just my parents. They told me this morning that they are getting a divorce. I know it happens all the time, but I didn't see this coming at all..." she ended on a broken sob.

"Oh Jamia - I am so sorry... my parents split up not too long ago, so I know how much that hurts..." I couldn't find the right words to comfort her since my own wounds still stung from my parent’s separation.

"I just don't know what to do Frank. I can't imagine life without both of them in it...dad says he will still visit me a lot, but it won't be the same..." She began to cry even harder, and I awkwardly put my arms around her in an attempt at being comforting.

"It's going to be okay...I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but it will get better - I promise."

A few more minutes passed with me uttering empty promises while her tears soaked my t-shirt. I wished I could do more to help her, but there was nothing I could say to make this any easier.

Finally Jamia lifted her head and wiped her puffy eyes.

"I'm sorry Frank," she giggled half-heartedly, and I saw a glimpse of the usual Jamia breaking through.

"Don't be sorry. I was a wreck too when my parents broke the news to me. It's not an easy thing to stomach, believe me I know."

"You are such an amazing person...thank you so much for listening to me."

Jamia leaned forward, and before I could process what was happening, she had wrapped her arms around my neck and pressed her lips against mine. I stood there in shock for a few seconds before pushing her away from me hastily.

"What the actual fuck Jamia!?" I tried not to yell, but it was hard to control my voice when I was internally freaking out at what she had just done.

"I'm sorry Frank...I just thought - I mean...you have been so nice to me lately, and I really like you, so I assumed you felt the same way..." She trailed off at the end, probably because I was shooting daggers at her with my eyes.

"Jamia I'm gay...you know that. I have a boyfriend for fucks sake!" Oh god - Gerard...how was I going to explain this to him? I hadn't technically done anything wrong, but he might not see it that way.

"I know...I'm sorry..." She began to cry again, and I ran my hands through my hair in frustration.

"Jamia, you are a really nice girl, and I'm sure if I was straight - I would be into you, but I'm not okay? I love Gerard, and nothing is going to change that. I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression or something." I glanced down at my now charged phone so I wouldn't have to maintain eye contact with Jamia, and I almost dropped it when I noticed the time...it was already four-thirty, and I hadn't let Gerard know where I was. I had a missed text from him, and one from Mikey as well...

"I am sorry Jamia, I have to go..." I called out to her as I took off running. A part of me felt guilty for leaving her without a proper explanation, but Gerard was the most important thing to me right now, and I honestly wanted to remove myself from this awkward situation as quickly as possible.

I wasn't really sure where I was going, I doubted Gerard had waited around school this long for me, but it was still a possibility. I sent him a text asking him where he was, but I didn't get a reply, so I asked Mikey if he was with Gerard, but he said that he was at Ray's.

After frantically searching the school for him, I decided to head back to his house. I had messaged him two more times, but still nothing from his end.

I was getting really worried now...he always responded to my texts, which meant something was really wrong for him not to answer. What if Thomas had gotten to him again? Fuck me - I'm such a terrible boyfriend...I should have met up with him first before I went to talk to Jamia.

I still couldn’t believe she kissed me. Wiping my mouth against my sleeve as if that would erase the feeling of her lips on mine, I picked up my pace and hurried to find my boyfriend.

It seemed like the trip to his house took ages, but that was probably just because of my anxiety over Gerard's unusual silence.

I didn't know how I was going to make this up to him, but I would think of something...I had too. I loved Gerard too much to lose him over a stupid kiss that I didn't even want.

He had to understand once I explained it to him...even if it took forever, I would prove to Gerard that he was the only one for me.

Finally his familiar house came into view, and I jogged the last few feet as quickly as I could - which wasn't very fast considering I was a borderline midget, and I was already out of breath from how rapidly I had walked here.

The front door was unlocked as usual, so I let myself in. Dropping my bag onto the floor, I looked around, but I didn't see anyone home. Donna must be at work again, which meant Gerard was probably in his room.

"Baby?" I called out, but no one answered.

I glanced into the kitchen to see if he was getting something to eat, but he wasn't there. Someone had been though...there was shattered glass everywhere, and the strong smell of alcohol permeated the room.

"Shit..." I muttered to myself as I took the stairs two at a time.

Gerard had told me about his drinking problem, but he had been getting so much better. If he had turned back to the bottle, something terrible must have happened, and I wasn't there for him.

"Gerard!" I screamed when I found his room empty as well.

Fear was threatening to paralyze me now...where the fuck was my boyfriend!?

I checked Mikey's and his mom’s room, but still nothing...all that was left was the bathroom. I jiggled the door handle, but someone had locked it from the inside.

"Gerard - if you are in there, please let me in..." I pleaded desperately.

"Go away..." a weak voice answered me.

My heart was pounding at a thousand miles a minute, and I could barely speak through the terror that was gripping my throat.

"Let me in baby...please," I begged brokenly.

I pressed my ear up against the door, but I couldn't hear anything besides a soft dripping sound.

"Fuck!" I cried out as I punched the door with all my might.

It shuddered slightly under my assault, but that it was it. Gerard didn't react to my aggressive action at all, and I was about to cry with frustration.

I wasn't going to let this stupid piece of wood separate me from the man I loved. Backing up as far as I could, I took a running start, and kicked the door with all the strength I could muster.

Either the adrenaline coursing through my veins gave me extra strength, or the door was weaker than it looked, because the wood shattered around my foot, allowing me to wrench it the rest of the way open.

“Oh god no...” I gasped out.

The sight that met my eyes was one hundred times worse than I ever imagined. I had expected to find a drunk Gerard, but not this scene out of my nightmares…

He had slit his wrists vertically all the way up his arms, his mangled flesh made me gag as I kneeled beside him in the rapidly growing pool of his own blood - that explained the dripping sound I had heard. The cuts were so deep…oh god - this was really fucking bad.

"Baby - please stay with me..." I sobbed as I bound up his mutilated arms with towels, unsure if that was going to help stop the bleeding at all, but I had to try something.

Blood continued to pour out of him, and the material was soon stained crimson red. I tore my phone out of my pocket and dialed 911 frantically, praying that I wasn't already too late.

"911 operator, what is your emergency?"

"I need an ambulance now! My boyfriend tried to commit suicide - please hurry!"

"Calm down honey, can you give me your address?"

I rattled it off quickly, and the operator assured me emergency services were on the way. I continued to cradle Gerard's semi-conscious body in my arms, putting as much pressure on his wounds as I could in a desperate attempt to lessen the massive amount of blood he was losing.

Gerard's lids opened lazily, and his usually vibrant hazel eyes looked hazy and drained.

"Why are you here?" he mumbled.

"What do you mean? Gerard, what happened…why did you do this?"

"Just let me die..." he whispered.

"I am never going to leave you...not ever, so don't you dare give up now. I don't want to live in a world without you in it. Please - don't do this to me baby - just hang on a little longer..." I started crying again, I just couldn't believe this was happening.

Gerard’s face was even paler than normal, and he felt so cold in my arms. I clutched him as tightly as I could, trying to warm him with my body heat, but it wasn't working.

Where the fuck was that ambulance?

"I saw you with her..." he gasped out. My stomach dropped into my shoes when it finally hit me - Gerard had seen Jamia kiss me...it was my fault he was like this.

"No - you don't understand...she kissed me. I love you baby, only you. I told her that too. You are my everything..." I stroked his face gently, trying to keep him focused on me, but his eyes were turning glassy, and I wasn't sure if he could hear me anymore.

Finally the sounds of sirens wailed in the distance, but I was so terrified that they were going to be too late. If I lost Gerard because of this, I would never be able to forgive myself.

"I love you...I love you so much...please hang on...don't leave me..." I kept talking to him until I heard footsteps on the stairs, signaling the arrival of the EMT's.

"In here!" I yelled at the top of my lungs.

Two men entered the already cramped bathroom and removed Gerard from my arms. Another stood outside with a stretcher, which they quickly lifted him onto before wheeling him outside. I followed dejectedly, tears still streaming down my face.

"He's flat lining!" one of them exclaimed when they had gotten him hooked up to all sorts of fancy machines inside the ambulance.

I felt my own heart stop beating at those words…no this couldn’t be happening. I couldn’t lose him…not like this…oh god.

“Please do something - you have to save him!” I screamed desperately.

“We are doing everything we can. If you are riding with him, then get in now,” one of the EMT’s commanded.

I squeezed myself in next to Gerard and grasped his hand tightly in my own. The sirens began again, and we took off down the street like a bat out of hell.

I had basically shut down from the shock of the whole situation, and I tried my hardest to block out all of the awful sounds that surrounded me.

How could this have happened...I thought Gerard was doing so well. Guilt threatened to choke me when I realized that I hadn't been paying that close attention to him lately. I had been so wrapped up in my own problems, I had neglected to notice the warning signs Gerard had most likely been giving off.

Everything had just gotten so crazy and mixed up...Gerard had become my lifeline lately, and I had almost forgotten how much he needed me as well.

He had to make it through this so I could apologize to him and spend the rest of my life proving to him how much I loved him...


	14. I'm empty when you go

**Frank’s POV**

I kept hoping that any moment now, I was going to wake up and find myself in Gerard's room cuddled against his chest, and these last few hours would all be some horrible nightmare. This just couldn't be real...if I accepted it, then I would fall apart completely.

Not that I wasn't already a wreck...but even though I was now curled up in an uncomfortable chair in the hospital waiting room, it still hadn't fully hit me yet, and I was dreading the moment that my brain finally realized the truth.

I had to call Mikey of course...I am surprised that he understood me over my choking sobs, but I had managed to explain to him what had happened. I was waiting for his mom to pick him up, and then they were going to join me in my vigil at the hospital.

I wanted company, but at the same time I didn't want to deal with anyone right now. Gerard was potentially dying, and it was all my fault...how was I supposed to look his brother in the eye after that...

I had pestered the doctors and nurses endlessly, but all they could tell me right now was that Gerard was still unstable, and they would inform me when the situation changed...for better or for worse.

He had to pull through...he just had to. The thought of losing him caused me to shudder violently and sink even deeper into my cloud of misery. He couldn't die...not like this.

"Frank?" Mikey's voice cut through my grim thoughts, and I launched myself out of the hospital chair straight into his arms.

"Oh Mikey!" I wailed as his skinny limbs clutched me tightly. I lost complete control of myself and began crying into his shirt brokenly.

"It's going to be okay Frank. He will pull through this - I know he will." Mikey's words were laced with sorrow, and I knew he was just as terrified as I was, he was just holding himself together better.

"It's all my fault..." I whispered to myself, but Mikey still heard me.

"Frank - this isn't anyone's fault. Gerard has been having problems for a while, and you can't blame yourself. It doesn't help anyone."

"You don't understand...he did it because of me..." I shifted guiltily from foot to foot, waiting for Mikey to lash out at me in anger. I almost wanted him to, I felt like I deserved it, but he just maintained his usual poker face.

"What do you mean Frank?"

"I was talking to a friend of mine after school, and she kissed me out of nowhere...Gerard saw us, and that's why he did this...I was coming home to explain it to him, but I was too late. If I had been quicker, I could have stopped him..."

"Frank look at me." I reluctantly lifted my head to meet Mikey's eyes.

"You didn't do this. I know you love Gerard, and you would never intentionally hurt him, so please don't blame yourself." I nodded sadly, and he cracked a small smile.

I didn't know what else to say, so we sat next to each other in silence for what seemed an endless amount of a time until a friendly looking doctor with choppy black hair - and was that a hint of eyeliner - approached us from the direction they had taken Gerard in.

"Family of Gerard Way?"

"That's us," Donna spoke up for the first time all afternoon.

"Well - we have some good news. We managed to stabilize Gerard, and he should be all right." My heart soared at his words. Gerard was going to be okay!

"The bad news is that he still hasn't awoken. His body was put under a tremendous amount of stress, so we can't say for sure how long he will be out. It could be a few more hours, or it could end up being much longer. We just have to wait and see." My spirits plummeted back down again when I realized that I wouldn’t be able to apologize to Gerard for quite some time.

"Can we see him?" I asked quietly.

"Yes, visitation is still open for another half hour." I immediately got up and rushed for Gerard's room. I had to make sure that he was really still here. I wouldn’t truly allow myself to believe it until I saw him with my own eyes.

When I entered the dimly lit room, I drank in the site of my comatose boyfriend. He looked even paler than usual laid out in the stark white hospital bed. Both of his arms were heavily bandaged, and if it wasn't for the gentle rise and fall of his chest, I would have thought he was a corpse.

My eyes spilled over with tears for the hundredth time as I gathered his cold hand in mine.

"Hey Gee...I know you can't hear me, but I just wanted to say I am so sorry. I hate seeing you like this - I want you awake and healthy. I can't wait to tell you how much I love you and need you...please baby - wake up soon..." I ended on a whisper.

I was soon interrupted by Mikey and Donna, and I retreated to the back of the room to give them space. I couldn't stop staring at Gerard though; I was worried that if I looked away for a moment, he might not be there any longer.

All too soon, a nurse came and told us that visitation hours were over, and we had to leave for the night.

"Can't I stay here in the hospital at least? I want to be here when he wakes up," I begged the nurse desperately.

"Frank - don't be silly, your parents will be worried sick if you don't come home. Let me drive you there, and I will bring you back to visit him tomorrow," Mrs. Way assured me.

"But I don't want to go home..." I pouted sullenly.

"Come on honey, you can't stay here." Donna took my hand, which was still stained with Gerard’s blood, and I followed her with heavy feet.

I felt a piece of my heart detach from me once we set foot outside the hospital...I would never be whole again until I knew Gerard was okay.

I had to muster every ounce of composure I possessed to not break down on the car ride home. I didn't want to lose control in front of Mrs. Way again...I was sure she had already begun questioning what exactly my relationship was with Gerard, and I didn't want to arouse her suspicions any further.

Glancing behind me, I noticed that Mikey was passed out in the back seat. I wish I could sleep, but every time I closed my eyes, I saw Gerard lying in a pool of his own blood on his bathroom floor.

"Thank you." I jumped in surprise when Donna's voice broke through the quiet car.

"For what?" I croaked out.

"For finding my son...if it hadn't been for you, he might not be here right now," she choked out, and I wished I could comfort her in some way.

"You don't have to thank me...I should have been there sooner - I could have stopped him."

"Honey, you did everything you could. I am really glad Gerard has you."

“What do you mean?” I questioned her nervously.

“I may not be home a lot, but I know my son, and I can tell he loves you to pieces.”

“I - uh…” I stammered out, unable to form a coherent sentence because I was reeling from the fact that our hard kept secret had been exposed.

“Don’t worry, I won’t tell your parents. Your relationship may be a bit unconventional, but I trust my son, and I will support whatever makes him happy.” She squeezed my hand gently as we waited for the traffic light to turn green.

“Thank you…” I tried to continue speaking, but my voice broke on a sob that had escaped my throat.

“It will be okay Frank.”

"I just want him to wake up..." I whispered softly.

"I know dear - we all do, and he will, we just have to give him some time."

"I just feel terrible leaving him. What if he wakes up and we aren't there? I have so many things I need to tell him..."

"I will take you back tomorrow as soon as you get out of school. Your parents would be furious if I let you stay in the hospital alone all night." She smiled down at me, but her words didn't cheer me up - in fact - they had the opposite effect.

Without Gerard, I had no buffer to hide behind, and I would have to go home and face my stepfather...not to mention my mom, who was probably livid with me for not coming home in days. I wasn't emotionally strong enough to face them tonight...

"Mrs. Way...if it isn't too much trouble, could I stay at your house tonight? If not - it's totally fine - I was just wondering."

"Why don't you want to go home Frank?" she questioned.

"It's just...umm..." I stuttered, not wanting to explain my situation, but how else could I convince her to let me stay over?

"Gerard told me you had been spending the past few nights at our house, but he never said why. Is there something you want to talk about?"

A part of me wanted to pour my heart out to her and explain everything I had kept hidden from everyone except for Gerard. One the other hand, why would she want to know about all of my pathetic problems...her son just tried to commit suicide, and I didn't need to add anything else to her already full plate.

"No - sorry, it's okay. Just take me home."

She shot me a look that said she didn't believe my bullshit for one second, but she didn't press the matter any further, and for that I was grateful. A few minutes later, she stopped the car outside my house, and I had to physically force myself to exit the vehicle.

"Frank?" she called out just as I was about to close the passenger side door.

"Yeah?"

"If you ever need anything, don't hesitate to stop by - okay?"

"Thanks Mrs. Way. I may just take you up on that." She waved to me before driving back to her house, and I raised my hand back. I stood outside until the cold began to seep into my blood soaked clothing, but even then I wasn't ready to head inside.

At least neither of my parent's cars were currently residing in the driveway, which gave me time to clean up before they started asking questions I couldn’t answer, but they would come home eventually, and then I wouldn’t be able to escape the long coming lecture I was certain to receive.

The last thing I needed after a day like today was a confrontation with my parents. Unfortunately I couldn’t hide out here forever though; so with a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, I slipped my key into the lock, and entered my home for the first time all week.

\-------------------------------------------

"Frank what happened to your face?" Mikey exclaimed when I sat down next to him at our usual lunch table; Gerard's vacant spot seemed to be mocking me, and I turned my back on it as if that would make me forget about his absence.

"Oh...uh...just got shoved into a locker earlier. It's no big deal," I lied through my teeth.

Mikey nodded in sympathy, he understood bullies, and there was no way I was telling him my stepfather did this.

It has been three weeks since...that day...and Gerard still hadn't woken up. Each hour without him was killing me slowly, and I didn't know how much longer I was going to last.

When I came back home, everything went fine at first. My mom promised that she would be around more, and my stepdad would lay off the booze, and he did - for all of five days.

Then she fell back into her usual work schedule and he fell back into the bottle. I had managed to avoid him mostly, until last night that is.

I had been watching an old horror movie on the couch, crying softly to myself after returning from visiting Gerard with still no response from him, when my stepdad had come home smelling like a bar. I tried to hide under the blanket, but my faint sniffling gave me away, and before I knew what was happening, my dad had smacked me across the face and called me a sniveling bitch...

"I'm not too hungry Mikes, I think I am going to skip out on school early today."

"Oh...okay Frank. Text me later so we can take you to go see Gee."

"Will do."

I shot out of my seat and exited the school as quickly as I dared while trying not to draw attention to myself. I made it as far as the bench where Gerard and I always used to smoke before I broke down completely.

I just couldn't do this anymore...how was I supposed to continue going to school and pretending everything was fine when my entire life was in shambles. My body felt as if it was made of glass, and I was seconds away from shattering.

I ached for Gerard's familiar arms to hold me and tell me that everything was going to be okay, but I might never feel his comforting embrace again if something didn't change with his condition.

I curled up on the cold metal seat and sobbed brokenly until I didn't have any breath left in my lungs and my eyes burned from the tears.

I needed my baby back…I wanted to hold him, and kiss him, and hear his wonderful voice again. I was beginning to lose hope that he would wake up, even the doctors were nervous about how long his coma had lasted.

Life seemed so bleak without his presence…everything had lost its appeal, and I was just going through the motions of living. Gerard didn’t realize how much he meant to me, and it was my fault for not letting him know how important he was.

If he ever woke up, I would make sure he knew that he was the most beautiful person in the world to me, and that I couldn’t carry on without him.

Oh god - this all hurt so much, I wasn’t sure how much longer I could stand this agony…my stomach roiled and my chest constantly ached. I kept waiting for the pain to fade into numbness, but it grew more intense every day instead of lessening.

Little things like the sight of someone smoking would hit me like a blow to the chest, and I didn’t know how much more I could take. I felt so helpless, there was literally nothing I could do except sit and wait as my heart slowly died with every passing day.


	15. Am I losing myself?

I finally managed to heave my aching body to my feet, and I turned my steps toward home. It was freezing outside, and I didn't want anyone to catch me having an emotionally breakdown when I was supposed to be in class.

Hopefully my stepdad would still be out and I would have the house to myself. I just wanted to sleep until it was time to go visit Gerard, that was the only way I could escape the pain.

Unfortunately when I got home, I spied my stepdad's car in the driveway...maybe he would be passed out again? Trying to be as silent as possible, I eased the door open and slid inside.

I was halfway to the stairs which led up to my room when I heard heavy footsteps behind me. Picking up my pace, I attempted to quickly get out of sight, but I wasn't fast enough. My stepdad entered the kitchen with a bottle of beer clutched in his meaty hand.

"What the hell are you doing home?" he asked gruffly, and I winced when I heard how slurred his words were. This wasn't going to end well...

"Um...I wasn't feeling well."

"Doesn't mean you can skip school. You need to tough it out or you are going to end up some broke ass loser."

"Like you?" I whispered under my breath.

"What the fuck did you say?" he snarled.

"Forget it. I'm going to my room."

"Don't you dare turn your back on me!"

I ignored him and kept walking, which was not a smart move on my part. I flinched as the beer bottle he had been holding flew past my head, narrowly missing me. It shattered against the wall with a loud crash, and I watched as the amber liquid began to seep across the floor.

Something inside me snapped, and before I could rethink my actions, I spun around and punched my stepdad square in the jaw.

His head snapped back with the force of my blow, and I felt a sick sense of satisfaction flowing through me. The blow didn't stun him for long though, and when he grabbed my slender wrist in his large hands, I began to regret my impromptu action.

"You are going to wish you had never been born after I am done with you..." His threatening words caused a chill to run down my spine, and I knew that this time - I had pushed him too far.

I braced myself as the first blow came...and then another...and another...

\-------------------------------------------

I couldn't move...breathing hurt...fuck - everything hurt.

I cracked my eyes open and slowly surveyed my surroundings. As I took in the beer soaked floor and felt the small shards of glass piercing my side, it all came rushing back to me.

My stepdad had beaten me senseless and apparently left me for dead once I had finally passed out.

I had to get out of this house before he realized I was awake. With a muffled groan, I dragged myself to my feet and began inspecting my body for serious injuries.

I had a cut on my face somewhere, and blood kept running into my eyes. Judging by the pain in my side, I would guess I had broken a rib or two, but besides that, I just seemed to be bruised.

I snuck out the backdoor and stumbled across the lawn, willing my pain wracked limbs to move faster so I could get away from the hell hole that had become my home.

I collapsed under a tree when running became too painful and grabbed my temples with both hands.

My head was spinning wildly, and I felt like I was going to throw up at any moment. I fought down the bile rising in my throat while frantically digging through my pockets, searching for my cell phone

I finally found it - cracked, but still functioning - thank god. With shaking fingers, I dialed the number to my mom’s work frantically.

"How may I help you?" I recognized the receptionist’s voice, I think her name was Paula or something like that.

"I need to speak with Mrs. Iero please. It's her son."

"I'm sorry, she is in a meeting right now. Can you call back later?"

"It's an emergency!" I wailed.

"Okay - calm down, I will see if I can get her out."

I waited impatiently, and was finally rewarded with my mom’s voice coming though the speakers.

"Honey - what is it? I'm really busy right now." She sounded distracted, and I almost felt bad for bothering her at work again, but she had to know what had happened.

"He hit me again mom...I'm hurt pretty badly..." Tears welled in my eyes, and I was too choked up to continue.

"What? Where are you?"

"I don't know...I just ran off. Not too far from the house though." I heard her scuffling around, and then I heard her cell phone chime.

"Frank...I just got a text from your stepdad saying you hit him first...is that true?"

"Who fucking cares! I only hit him because he threw a beer bottle at me! Why are you always defending him mom?" I was so angry my vision was beginning to blur, or that might have just been from the pounding headache I was developing.

"Honey - calm down, I am just trying to find out what happened," she tried to soothe me, but I was having none of it.

"You know what...fuck you! You obviously care about him more than you care about your own son." She tried to say something else, but I didn't want to hear any more, so I hung up the call with a heavy sigh.

I glanced at my phone and was shocked to see that it was already four-thirty in the afternoon. I was unconscious for much longer than I thought. Not knowing what else to do, I retreated to the only safe haven I could think of.

I knocked on the familiar door timidly, and I didn't have to wait long for Mikey to appear. He took one look at me before his poker face was broken by a look of horror as he scanned my bruised and bloody body.

"Frank - what happened?" he exclaimed.

I couldn't answer, all that came out was a raspy sob. Mikey wrapped his arm around my shaking shoulders and led me inside and out of the cold.

"Sit down on the couch, I am going to get something to clean up your face."

I nodded silently and reclined onto the comfy cushions. Mikey returned quickly with a damp washcloth, and he began dabbing at the blood which had already started to cake onto my skin.

"Who did this to you?" he prodded gently, and my entire story bubbled out of my mouth until I had told him everything that had been going on with my stepdad lately.

He listened in silence, and I was grateful he didn't interrupt me. It felt good to get everything off of my chest; Gerard had been the only one I could talk to, and holding it all in had been burdening me more than I realized. When I was finally finished, Mikey shook his head as if to clear it before speaking.

"I wish you had told me sooner Frank. You know mom doesn't mind at all if you stay over at my house."

"I know...it's just so hard being here without Gerard..." I began crying again, and tears formed in Mikey’s eyes as well.

"Okay - well first things first, we need to get you to the hospital so a doctor can check you out. I think some of your cuts need stiches, and we need to make sure you don't have any internal injuries. My mom should be home any minute, but I am going to call her and tell her to hurry okay?"

Mikey got up to search for his cell phone as I tried to control my sobs since my ribs were throbbing and my head was spinning again. I laid my damp cheek against the back of the couch, I felt weak all of a sudden, and my neck couldn't support my head. It became impossible to keep my eyelids open, and I surrender to the encroaching blackness.

\-------------------------------------------

I awoke to what felt like the sun searing my eyes out of my head. Hissing in pain, I quickly squeezed my lids shut as colorful spots danced across my vision.

"Frank? Are you awake?"

"Mikey? What happened? Where am I?" I tried to open my eyes again, and I could just make out the blurry figure of my friend sitting next to me.

"You are in the hospital. You passed out man, I was so worried!"

"Shit..." I groaned quietly. I looked down at myself, and I was shocked at the amount of bandages covering my arms. My ribs were tightly bound too, and I could feel another bandage wrapped around my head.

"Mr. Iero, you are awake." The same doctor who had treated Gerard entered my room with a smile on his face - and that was definitely eyeliner he had on.

"Seems so," I replied.

"Well - I just got finished running your tests, and I have a few questions to ask you...if you feel up for it that is."

"Shoot." I shrugged my shoulders coldly, not really in the mood to talk, but it would probably be better to get this over with sooner rather than later.

"Young man, could you please give us some privacy for a few minutes?" the doctor asked Mikey.

"Yeah sure - I am going to go visit Gee, but I'll be back soon."

"Take your time," I called after his retreating form.

"Okay Mr. Iero, first off let me tell you what we found. You have three broken ribs and numerous cuts and bruises, but those should all heal with time. The most worrisome injury is your head trauma, which caused you to pass out in the first place. Your brain began to bleed - which is very dangerous, and can end up causing a stroke. We managed to stop the hemorrhaging in time, but if you were to encounter a similar injury in the future, it could be life threatening. You need to be very careful from now on, do you understand?" I nodded at the doctor - whose name tag said Dr. Wentz - in understanding.

"Okay, now I have to ask...how did you acquire these wounds?" Oh shit...what did I say? Could I tell him the truth?

"Um...well...my step dad and I got into it and...yeah..." I decided to trust him. It was obvious that my mother wasn't going to do anything about my stepdad's abusive nature, so I had to seek help from someone else.

"I had a feeling that was the case. I am going to have to file a report with CPS."

I nodded in understanding. I was terrified of what my mom’s reaction would be, but I couldn't live with this anymore.

"Well Mr. Iero, I am going to let you rest now. Is there anything else I can get you before I go?"

"Is there any way I could visit another patient? His name is Gerard Way..." I needed to see my baby right now.

"I don't see a problem with that. You shouldn't be walking in your state, but I can get you a wheelchair so I can take you to his room."

"Thank you so much!"

In no time at all, Dr. Wentz was wheeling me into Gerard's room, pushing me right up next to the bed before leaving me alone with him. Mikey had vacated the area once we had entered, saying he was going to find something to eat and tell his mom that I had woken up.

As I stared down at Gerard's still form, despair threatened to overwhelm me. I understood now why he tried to kill himself...life was so fucked up - why would anyone want to keep living?

Honestly, I wanted to die in this moment. I had nothing left...except for him. I could never leave as long as Gerard still existed in this world, but I knew - without a doubt - that the day his heart stopped beating, mine would as well.

He was the only hope that kept me clinging to the pathetic mess I called my life. I hadn't been this depressed since my father left, but it seemed like the universe was plotting against me, trying to see how much shit I could handle before I finally gave in.

I clutched Gerard’s hand in mine, burying my face in his chest in the hopes that I could gain a sense of solace from his presence, even if he was unconscious.

"Gee - please wake up baby...I need you...I miss you so badly. I'm so sorry for everything, but I am falling apart, and I don't know how much longer I can last...please don’t leave me all alone."

I wept softly as I listened to his steady heart beat which reassured me he was still fighting. Eventually I ran out of tears, and I slowly lifted my head and wiped my eyes.

Tenderly stroking Gerard's cheek, I leaned down and kissed his forehead gently. Just as I was about to wheel away from his beside, I heard a soft groan.

"Frankie...?" a groggy voice asked.

"Gee?!"


	16. The savior of the broken

**Frank’s POV**

For a brief moment, I thought that my head injury had caused me to hallucinate. I had been so desperate to hear Gerard's voice, that when it actually reached my ears, I couldn't believe it was real.

It wasn't until his lashes fluttered open and his gorgeous hazel eyes stared up at me that I realized my prayers have been answered. Shaking off my shock, I tried to force words past the giant lump that had formed in my throat.

"Oh my god...you're really awake," I whispered before breaking down for the third time today, except this time they were tears of joy I was shedding.

I was too overcome with emotion to speak, so I simply gathered my boyfriend in my arms and sobbed brokenly against his chest. I never wanted to let him go again...

"Am I in the hospital?" he wondered.

"Mhmm," I mumbled since it was still difficult to form coherent sentences.

Just then - Dr. Wentz came rushing into the room with an excited grin on his face. I pulled away from Gerard in embarrassment, trying to get my unruly emotions under control.

"Sorry to interrupt, I saw that Gerard's vital signs had returned to normal, and I wanted to see if he was awake." I simply nodded and wheeled away from the bed so the doctor could get to work.

"How are you feeling Gerard?" he asked in a friendly tone.

"Okay I think...just groggy."

"That's to be expected. Now let me just get you unhooked from these machines so I can get out of your way."

Gerard let out a muffled squeal when he noticed the IV needle in his arm before squeezing his eyes shut and refusing to open them until Dr. Wentz removed it.

"Not a fan of needles huh?" Gerard shook his head vehemently in response, and I couldn't get over how adorable he looked in that moment.

Dr. Wentz checked a few more of the machines while making notations on the clipboard in his hand, and I wish I knew what he was writing down.

"Okay - that's it for now. I will come back a little later to run some tests, but you should be released soon. I will tell your mother that you are awake, but it might take me a bit to find her." He winked before vacating the room, leaving us alone once again. I returned to my spot by Gerard's side, and threaded my fingers through his.

"Frank - why are you here?" Gerard asked once the door closed behind Dr. Wentz.

"What do you mean?" I sniffled softly.

When I raised my head to look at him, his forehead was creased in confusion, and I wanted to wipe all the lines of worry away from his flawless face.

"I mean...I thought you...didn't love me anymore," he stammered awkwardly.

Gerard's words were like a smack to the face, and it took me a second to compose myself. I had been so wrapped up in the joy of having him back, I had almost forgotten about the reason he had tried to kill himself in the first place.

"Oh baby...I have so much explaining to do." Gerard's body stiffened up, and I knew he was preparing for the worst.

"What you saw...it wasn't what it looked like. I was talking to Jamia because her parents are getting divorced, and she needed some advice. I was just trying to be a good friend, when out of nowhere she kissed me. I kind of freaked out on her, and I haven't talked to her since. I told her that I loved you and only you. Then I ran back to your house to explain why I was so late, and I found you..." I broke off as my throat swelled up with suppressed tears. I dreamed of that moment almost every night, and it hurt to even think of it.

"Oh..." Gerard's cheeks turned slightly red.

"I was so terrified I had lost you forever...I need you...I love you. The fact that I made you feel so terrible that you wanted to end your life is killing me. I don't deserve you, but please - just give me a chance to make it up to you."

I waited in anticipation for his answer, but when he stayed silent, I began to panic. I couldn't seem to get enough air into my lungs, and the room seemed to be shrinking in on me. If he didn't speak soon, I was pretty sure I was going to have a full on anxiety attack.

"Gee?" I choked out.

I was shocked when he pulled himself away from my touch and curled up into a ball with his back facing me. Bitter cries fell from his lips, and it broke my heart into a million pieces to see him this way.

"I am the one who doesn't deserve you...I am so fucked up. I will only bring you down...." he wailed.

"Don't say that baby - please. Without you, I have nothing." I had so many other things I needed to say, but I couldn't seem to get my brain to function properly.

This was not how I had imagined our reunion would be, and seeing the person I loved in so much pain was too overwhelming for me right now in my fragile state. My own mind had been in such a fucked up place lately that I didn't know if I could take any more sorrow.

Gerard and I had both been through traumatic events in the past three weeks, and we weren't the same boys who had fallen in love with each other all those months ago. What if we were too damaged to maintain a healthy relationship now?

As much as I loved Gerard to pieces, I didn't want him to have to deal with all my problems, and he obviously felt the same way.

In the beginning - it had seemed so easy....we made each other happy, and that had been more than enough, but now I needed Gerard to be there for me just as much as he needed my support, and I was worried that we would break under the combined weight of our problems.

I just wanted everything to go back to the way it used to be before my world started falling apart. What I wouldn't give to reverse time and relive the moments where Gerard and I had been truly happy, because now I realized how much I had taken them for granted.

Never in my wildest imagining had I thought we would end up here...both hospitalized for different reasons with our relationship hanging by a thread. Was it too much to ask to have the life most normal fourteen year olds did? Why did all of these terrible events keep plaguing me?

I needed Gerard though...that much I was certain of. I was beginning to realize that dreaming of a perfect relationship had been a fool's hope.

I went into this knowing about Gerard's problems, I just never expected to have so many of my own heaped onto the pile, but if we didn't take care of each other, then who would?

No matter how bad it got, it couldn't be worse than suffering alone. I had to make Gerard see that we could make it through this, because I didn't want to contemplate any other option.

I refused to give up on him...he was worth fighting for, no matter how much he didn't think he was.

"Just leave me..." Gerard wept softly.

"Never," I whispered.

Moving carefully so I didn't hurt either myself or Gerard, I crawled into bed with him and clutched his shuddering form. He tried to flinch away from me, but I refused to let him.

Stroking his greasy hair, I began to hum a wordless tune in an attempt to calm him down. I had to show him that I would never leave him, even when he was at his worst. He was my everything, and I would always pick him up when he fell.

I don't know how much time had passed before his whimpers finally ebbed and his breathing slowed to a normal pace. My own thoughts had quieted, and I was certain I had made the right decision.

Gerard was worth the amount of work I was going to have to put into this relationship and more. I had never met anyone that made me feel this way, and even though I was young, I was convinced that he was my soul mate.

Gerard shifted closer to me, and I tightened my grip around his thin body. My ribs hurt from the position I was lying on them, but I was too afraid to move in case it ruined the moment.

"Why do you care so much about me? I am nothing...just a worthless mess of a person." Gerard turned so he could look me in the eye, and the overwhelming sorrow on his face threatened to bring me to tears.

"I wish I could find the right words to tell you how perfect you are, but they don't exist. If only you could see yourself through my eyes so you would understand. Gerard - you don't know what you do to me...when I see you, I feel fuzzy all over, when you smile - it's infectious, your laugh is my favorite sound in the world - besides your singing; you make life worth living, and I don't want to imagine a world without you in it." A look of awe came over Gerard’s face, and I truly hoped I was getting through to him.

"Frank...I don't know what to say."

"You don't have to say anything right now. The fact that you are awake and breathing is all I need," I assured him.

"I just...I snapped. When I saw you with her - it broke me, and now I don't know if I can fix myself again," he sniffled.

"You won't have to do it alone. Even if it takes forever, I will be there every step of the way."

"I don't want to hurt you anymore. I just feel like such a burden..." I silenced him by pressing my lips against his in a forceful kiss. He froze up for a moment before returning the action, and I plundered his mouth until we were both breathless.

"I love you…every single part of you…and I will never give that up, no matter how difficult it gets. So stop trying to scare me away, because it won't work." I rested my forehead against his gently, and relished in the feeling of his skin pressing on mine.

"Fuck Frank - I love you too...so much. I'm so sorry..." Then we were kissing again, and it was the best feeling in the world.

God - I had missed this so much, the way his lips perfectly melded with mine, and the sparks that flew from our connected mouths. I poured all of my feeling for him into it, and he did the same.

I knew that everything wasn’t magically going to be perfect, but this was a start, and I was going to see this through to the end. I had a feeling things were going to go up from this point, seriously - it couldn’t get much worse right?

“What the hell is going on in here!?”

A harsh voice broke through our moment of passion, and we hastily pulled apart. All of my newfound happiness drained out of my body as I turned around to see my mother standing in the doorway with a murderous expression on her face.


	17. Never coming home

**Gerard's POV**

When Frank pressed his lips against mine, I truly believed that I was going to be okay. His refusal to give up on me lit a small spark of hope in my darkened heart, and I had found a reason to keep on living.

I knew I had a long way to go to truly recover from all of my bad habits, but with Frank by my side, I had faith that I could do it.

Melting even deeper into his kiss, I surrendered everything to him, trusting that he would never let me fall.

My moment of happiness with Frank was torn away so quickly, I could barely comprehend what was happening when a shrill voice pierced through my haze of contentment. When I saw the look of fury on Frank's mother’s face, I shrank down into my bed as far as humanly possible, refusing to meet her gaze.

Frank scrambled back from me quickly, but not before she had seen us in such a compromising position. We were so fucked...after being so careful to keep our relationship hidden all of these months, now everything was ruined.

I should have known something like this would happen...the world didn't want me to be happy.

I glanced furtively at Frank to try and ascertain his reaction, but he kept his eyes glued to his lap, and I didn't want to do or say anything in case I made it worse. Now that I was truly looking at him, I realized he was all bandaged up, and wearing a hospital gown to boot.

I couldn't believe I didn't notice sooner, but I had been so wrapped up in my own misery, it had failed to penetrate my foggy brain. I didn't even know how long I had been in the hospital. I mentally slapped myself for not being more aware, and now I wouldn’t have the chance to ask Frank what had happened.

"Frank - come with me this instant," his mother ordered, but Frank didn't move a muscle.

"Don't you dare ignore me young man!" she shrieked, and I visibly flinched at her harsh tone.

"What is the meaning of this?" Dr. Wentz entered the room with pissed off look on his face.

"I simply came to retrieve my son," Frank's mother huffed out at a much calmer volume.

"Well you are disrupting my patients, so can you please keep your voice down," he barked in an icy tone.

"You have no right to be upset with me. I should have been alerted that my son was awake, which I blame entirely on you!" They continued to argue, but I tuned it out and focused solely on Frank.

"Go with her Frank..." I whispered quietly. Even though it pained me to tell him that, I didn't want him to get into even more trouble because of me.

"I don't want to leave you."

"I will be here when you get back - I promise." I squeezed his hand gently and he gave me a half smile in return.

Dr. Wentz and his mother were still in a heated conversation, and it seemed they had completely forgotten about us.

I took the opportunity to press a chaste kiss against Frank's lips. I pulled away quickly before they saw, but it was worth it when I glimpsed the sparkle in Frank's eyes.

"Fine mom - I'm coming!" Frank called out in an exasperated tone of voice before exiting the room in his wheelchair, leaving her gaping after him.

I noticed two cops standing outside the door and sipping coffee. What the hell was going on? Why would there be cops here waiting with Frank’s mother? I tried to force my fuzzy mind to think, but too much had happened in such a short time for me to comprehend anything.

"You doing okay Gerard?" Dr. Wentz asked after slamming the door behind Mrs. Iero. I liked this guy already for not backing down to Frank's mother, so I decided he deserved an answer instead of the silent treatment I usually gave doctors.

"I guess..." I sniffled softly. Frank hadn't even been gone a minute, and I already ached to have him back in my arms.

"I am so sorry about that...no one should be allowed to upset my patients, no matter the circumstances." I nodded absently, trying to decide which one of the million questions I had swirling around in my head to ask first.

"It's okay...how long have I been in here anyway?" I wondered, picking the easiest one first.

"A little over three weeks. You really had everyone worried there for a while, but I knew you would pull through."

He began to poke around the machines surrounding me, and I repositioned myself on the bed silently. Three weeks? I could barely believe it. So much must have happened while I had been unconscious. I wish I had more time to talk to Frank, but for now, I had to settle for Dr. Wentz.

"What happened to Frank? Why is he in the hospital?"

"I'm sorry - I can't tell you that...confidentiality issues and all." I pouted sullenly, but I couldn't really blame him for following the rules.

"Is he your boyfriend?" the doctor asked slyly.

"Yeah...I don't know why he puts up with me though. I'm such a fuck up," I mumbled.

"He loves you a lot. He has been in here every day to see you."

"Really?" I gasped.

"Mhmm. You are lucky to have such an amazing guy in your life."

"I really am. God I am so stupid, I can't believe I tried to leave him all alone..." I dropped my face into my hands in shame. I had no idea why I was continuing to talk to this random doctor, but he was so causal and supportive, it was easy to speak of things I haven't told anyone else.

"He is just so young...and I feel like I am becoming this weight on him when he needs someone to lift him up and love him. I don't know if I can be that person, but I want to. I can't imagine life without him anymore."

"Well if you really love him, then you need to keep trying. Believe me on that; I never thought my own relationship would work out, and there were so many times when I wanted to give up, but in the end - it was worth it. Frank may be young, but I can tell he is determined to do anything to be with you as long as you are willing to stay with him." A wistful smile had formed on his face, and I wondered if I looked like that when I talked about Frank.

"You should have been a psychiatrist," I joked.

Seriously though, I felt so much better about everything after laying it all out for him. Something about saying it out loud and having a complete stranger support me was insanely uplifting. Hopefully Frank's mother wouldn't be too mad, and we could work on repairing our damaged relationship as soon as I got out of the hospital.

"Actually my boyfriend is one, so I guess some of his skills rubbed off on me," Dr. Wentz chuckled wryly. His face lit up every time he mentioned his boyfriend and I made an internal "aww" noise.

"So when am I going to be released?" I was eager to get out of this boring white room and away from the odd smell that clung to all hospitals.

"Well..." He was interrupted by the door being opened, and Mikey bounded into my room, followed closely by my mother.

"Geebear!" Mikey squealed before throwing himself onto my bed so hard I bounced into the air. I giggled as he engulfed me in a massive hug, and I ruffled his hair affectionately.

"It's good to see you Mikey." I couldn't stop grinning, and it felt good to smile again.

"Don't you ever scare me like that again you asshole!" Mikey teased.

"Michael - language!" my mother chastised him, but I could see her trying to hold back laughter.

"Hey mom." I reached out and clasped her hand since I couldn't move with Mikey on top of me.

"Oh honey - we were so worried."

"I know - I'm sorry mom..." I felt tears forming in my eyes, and I struggled to hold them back.

"I'm glad you are all here, because I have something we need to discuss," Dr. Wentz broke through our happy reunion.

"Oh yes - go ahead Doctor." My mother sat down in the chair next to me without letting go of my hand.

"Well - Gerard is healthy, and he can be released from the hospital at any time...but because this was a suicide attempt, I highly recommend he is admitted to Laurel Hills for a minimum of two weeks before he returns home. I know it seems extreme, but by the amount of scars on his body, this isn’t this first time he has self-harmed, and I don’t want to see him back here again."

"Laurel Hills? No way!" I interrupted rudely.

Laurel Hills was basically a mental hospital for crazy teenagers. Last year - a student had gone psycho and stabbed someone for no reason, and they had taken him there. I wasn't that kind of crazy...there was no way I could go to Laurel Hills.

"I know it isn't ideal, but I just want to make sure you are going to be okay. There will be people to watch you there, and as soon as they decided you aren't at risk anymore, you can go back home. You will be able to catch up on your schoolwork while attending therapy as well."

"Fuck that - I'm not going..." I crossed my arms over my chest stubbornly.

Yes - I wasn't exactly in the best place right now, but how was getting sent to a nut house going to help me - if anything it would make it worse.

"Gerard - please calm down," my mom begged me.

"No! I don't want to be sent away...I just want to come home..."

"I know baby, but maybe this is for the best. I am working so much right now that I can't be with you as much as I would like, and I need to know that you are safe. It will only be for a little while..."

"Seriously mom? You are siding with him?" My newfound trust in Dr. Wentz had completely washed away with this new development.

"Yes honey - I am. If you would just think about this rationally, you would see that it's for the best."

"Mikey?" I turned to him with pleading eyes. Even though he didn't have any real say in my future, I wanted his support.

"I'm sorry Gee, but I think mom is right...I can't bear to lose you, and I want you to get some help."

"I will give you some information so you can enroll him - if you would come with me?" Dr. Wentz and my mother exited the room as if I no longer existed.

I was so frustrated I felt like I was going to explode. Bitter tears began pouring down my cheeks, and I buried my face in my pillow to muffle my choking sobs.

"Gee it’s going to be okay..." Mikey rubbed my back soothingly, but I just cried even harder.

How could this be happening...just when I thought everything was looking up for once, my entire world plummeted back down. I understood why my mom wanted to send me away...I probably deserved it after what I had done, but Laurel Hills? I don't think I could survive there for two weeks...

But the worst thing of all was that I wouldn't be able to see Frank. Laurel Hills was a good hour drive from my house, and there was no way his mother was going to let him visit me after what she witnessed earlier.

All I needed to get better was him, but now they were ripping me away from the only positive thing in my life. Would he wait for me...I wouldn't blame him if he didn't.

What if he couldn't wait though? I don't know what was going on, but he was obviously hurt, and somehow the police were involved. Were they here because of our relationship...I mean it was technically illegal, but if that had been the reason, then surely they would have spoken with me.

Suddenly it hit me like a baseball bat to the head...his stepdad...what else could it be?

Oh god - I had left him alone for three weeks, so he would have had to go home...which meant he was back in his stepfather’s line of fire. This was all my fault...I was such a failure. How could he possibly still care about me after I had abandoned him?

But he did...and I couldn't leave him alone for another day. I don't know how, but I would find a way to stay with him and protect him if it was the last thing I ever did.


	18. Leave it all behind

**Frank's POV**

"Fine mom - I'm coming!" I yelled out much louder than was necessary, but I was fed up with hearing her and Dr. Wentz argue with each other, and I wasn't in a very courteous mood.

I exited the room as dramatically as I could while being bound to a wheelchair, leaving my mom to follow me at her own convenience.

Because I wasn't paying attention to where I was going, I almost ran headlong into two bored looking police officers. One of them with blond hair and a bit of scruff caught the handles on the back of my chair before I rammed into his partner.

"Whoa there buddy," he chuckled, and I felt my cheeks flaming in embarrassment.

"Sorry about that." Just then my mom walked out of the room with a pissed off expression on her face, but it quickly disappeared when she saw that we had company.

"Mrs. Iero - we are going to talk to your son alone first if that's okay?" the second officer asked.

"Yes that's fine. I will be in the waiting room." She shot me a look that said we were going to have words later, but I ignored it.

"So you're Frank?" The officer who still had a grip on the back of my chair began wheeling me down the hallway until we reached an empty office. They positioned me on one side of the large gray desk which dominated the room before taking a seat on the other end.

"Yeah that's me." I didn't know what else to say, so I stayed silent.

"Well I'm Officer Bryar and this is Officer Pelissier. We just want to talk to you for a bit about why you are here." I nodded my head to signify that they could continue.

I knew this was coming, but everything seemed to be happening so fast. I was having a hard time focusing on anything, my thoughts were still back with Gerard, and I had almost forgotten about how I had ended up in the hospital for a short time.

"So we understand you are having some problems at home with your father," Officer Bryar continued.

"Stepfather...he's not my real dad."

"Okay - stepfather then. Is he the reason you are in the hospital today?"

"Yeah he is. We have never gotten along, but ever since he lost his job, he has been drinking a lot, and when he is drunk, he takes it out on me." I hoped that would be enough to please them because I wanted to get back to Gerard as soon as possible.

"How long has this been going on?" Officer Pelissier questioned while Officer Bryar scribbled in a small notebook.

"Um...on and off for about a month, but I wasn't home much after the first time."

"Where were you staying then?"

"My boyfriend’s house, but when he got...hurt, I had to go back to my place."

"Why haven't you reached out for help before now?" Officer Bryar asked me, and I actually had to stop and think for a minute.

I honestly wasn't sure...I mean - I could have called the cops the first time he had thrown that beer bottle at me, but I hadn't.

"I guess I didn't want to cause any drama for my mom, and I kept hoping he would stop," was the best answer I could come up with.

"Has you mother ever harmed you in any way?"

"No - never!" I exclaimed quickly.

"Okay - calm down, I was just wondering. That's pretty much all we need to know right now. Can you send your mother in here for us?"

"Yeah sure."

I exited the room as quickly as possible, glad to be free of the officer's penetrating gazes. I was tempted to return to Gerard straight away, but I knew that would just infuriate my mom even further. So I reluctantly made my way to the waiting room, hoping that my mother would save whatever lecture she was cooking up for me until later.

"Mom - the cops want to talk to you," I mumbled quietly. Turning around, I made my way back toward the room where the officers were waiting for her.

"Frank - what were you doing kissing that boy?" my mother hissed fiercely, causing bubbles of rage to form in my stomach.

"He isn't _some boy_ \- he is my boyfriend."

"Honey you can't be serious...you know I don't care if you are gay, but he is a senior, and a bad influence to boot. I refuse to let you continuing seeing him." She went to open the door, but I wasn’t about to end the conversation on that note.

"You really have no fucking clue what goes in my life do you; because if you did, you would know that Gerard is the only one who has been there for me since the first day I moved here. He is the one I went running to when your pathetic excuse for a husband hit me, he comforted me when I had no one else to turn to, and he loves me mom...really truly loves me. So don't you dare make assumptions about him, because you don't know anything."

"He doesn't love you, boys his age only say that to get into your pants," she retorted angrily.

"Oh yeah - that's why we haven't done anything but kiss the whole time we have been together. He hasn't even brought it up once, but I'm sure that's all he's thinking about!" I put as much sarcasm as possible into my reply.

Her face turned so red I should have been able to feel the heat on my skin, and for one second I thought she was going to smack the smirk off my face. Instead - she yanked the door open with an indignant huff, closing it sharply for extra theatrics.

Of course, being the curious little shit I was, I pressed my ear against the wood in an attempt to hear the conversation between my mom and the police officers, but the door was too thick, and I could only pick up muffled words here and there.

The temptation to return to Gerard was almost overpowering, but my mom would only drag me away as soon as she was finished, and I didn't want that to happen again. I spent my time waiting trying to successfully perform a wheelie, which was a lot harder than it looked. Finally the door creaked open, and my mother emerged, flanked by the two officers.

"Thank you Mrs. Iero, we will be in touch. Goodbye Frank." They tipped their hats in our direction before leaving us alone in the hallway.

"So what happened?" My desire to know what had transpired was enough for me to push our previous argument aside for now.

"The officers spoke with me, and I will be divorcing your father because of what he's done to you. I am pressing charges, but the court date won't be for quite a while. In light of that and other circumstances, I have decided that we are going to move in with your Aunt Ellie for the time being." My hopes, which had begun to lift at the beginning of her sentence, immediately plummeted back to earth.

"What do you mean we are going to stay with Aunt Ellie? She lives in California!" I cried out loudly, causing a few nurses to shoot us worried glances as they hurried past.

"I think a change of scenery will be best for you right now, and that way I can still work and you won't be home alone. My firm has an opening there, so it will all go smoothly."

"Don't fucking sugarcoat it; you aren't worried about my stepfather, you just want to keep me away from Gerard don't you?" Tears threatened to choke me, but I refused to let them fall.

"Well that is one reason, but not all of them. Frank - you have changed since we moved here, and I don't like it. I want my sweet loving son back, and I think this move is the best thing for us."

"I can't believe you are doing this to me..." I gasped out.

"Oh don't be so dramatic son. Just give it a chance...please?"

"I don't even want to look at you right now." I wheeled back to my room recklessly since I could barely see where I was going through the tears clouding my vision.

I couldn’t move...I couldn’t leave Gerard. I knew long distance relationships never worked, and we needed each other right now more than ever.

Heaving myself into my bed painfully, I collapsed against the hard mattress and sobbed quietly; each breath was agony to my broken ribs, but I couldn't seem to stop. Luckily my mother didn’t follow me, so I didn’t have to worry about her witnessing my breakdown.

I couldn’t seem to gather enough air into my lungs, and my entire world felt as if it was collapsing around me. Life without Gerard was unimaginable…I had barely made it three weeks without him.

What if he continued to self-harm without me there to stop him? I couldn’t bear the thought of his beautiful skin becoming even more scarred, but what was I supposed to do?

It would be four years before I could legally live on my own, but right now that seemed like a lifetime. I knew I would wait for Gerard forever, but would he be able to do the same?

Anxiety flooded through me as each thought deepened my despair even further. My head began to spin again, and spots danced across my vision.

Frantically - I pressed the call button next to my beside over and over. My vision blurred, and I barely registered Dr. Wentz entering my room, he was saying something to me, but I couldn’t hear it over the pounding in my brain.

The last thing I remembered before blacking out was the sting of a needle entering my arm, and a plastic mask being shoved over my face.


	19. In the end we'll fall apart

**Frank's POV**

I awoke in complete confusion...I didn't know where I was, or what had happened, besides the fact that my whole body ached, and my throat was dry - swallowing was physically painful.

I forced my heavy lids to open wider, even though the searing light burnt my sensitive corneas. As I took in the beeping machines and the plain white walls of the hospital room, it all came tumbling back.

_I was here because my dad had beaten me senseless...Gerard was here as well...the cops had come...my mom had told me we were moving...my anxiety attack..._

Painfully sobs ripped their way out of my chest, and even though they hurt my damaged ribs, I couldn't seem to stop them.

That one world chased itself around my mind in an endless mantra _...moving...moving...moving_. Leaving Gerard; leaving everything behind just because my mother was too lazy to be an actual parent to me, so she was dropping me off with my Aunt Ellie.

"Frank - are you okay?" Dr. Wentz had entered my room, and I had been so lost in my sorrow that I hadn't even noticed.

"Umm...honestly no." I tried to wipe away my tears, but it was obvious I had been crying, so there wasn't much point in hiding it.

"Here - drink this." He handed me a glass of water, and I gulped it down thankfully.

"Thanks," I murmured.

"I thought you might need it. That was a nasty anxiety attack you had there."

"Yeah...I got some bad news, and I kind of just lost it."

"Do you want to talk about it?" He sat down by my beside with a concerned look on his face.

I didn't know when I started trusting random strangers with my problems, but I had already told Dr. Wentz about my stepdad, so I found myself wanting to unload everything on him.

"It's just...my mom wants to move. I mean - I am pretty sure she is planning it already. She is trying to pass it off like she is worried about me running into my stepdad, and I'll be safer in California, but she's just being selfish. She is too busy to watch me herself, so she is going to leave me with my aunt instead. I don't want to move...it was hard enough when she dragged me out here when she divorced my dad, and now that I have finally found someone who makes me happy, she wants to rip us apart because she thinks he's a bad influence. He's my everything...I can't leave him...it will kill me."

"Are you serious? I'm so sorry Frank...that's rough. Is there anything I can do to help?"

"Not unless you know some way for me to legally move out at fourteen?" I scoffed.

"Does Gerard know?" he wondered.

"No...not yet. Fuck - I don't even know if my mom will let me see him before we leave." I dropped my face into my hands in despair.

"Well actually - I told her to go home and come pick you up tomorrow. Because your attack was so bad, I decided to keep you overnight for observation. Visiting hours are over, but I can sneak you into Gerard's room before he is discharged."

"You would really do that for me?" I gasped.

"I'm not supposed to but...you guys remind me of my boyfriend and I when we first started dating. Nothing seemed to work for us...no one believed that we could make it. His parents were insanely homophobic, and they did everything possible to prevent me from seeing him, but in the end - we pulled through, and it was worth all the pain."

"It's crazy that you are giving me more support in this than my own mother," I chuckled wryly.

"You can't pick your family, and I know firsthand how that feels, but if you truly love Gerard, and I can tell he is head over heels for you, then in the end - it will all work out."

"I just don't know if we can make it...it could be four years before I can see him again...so much can happen in that time. What if he isn't strong enough to hang on that long?" Worry laced my voice, and I tried not to break down in tears again.

"Well...I am really not supposed to tell you this, but Gerard is going to get some help. I recommended that he spend some time at a nearby institution to help him recover from his problems with self-harming, and his mother agreed."

"That's good...I can't bear the thought of coming back only to find out that something terrible happened to him."

"He's strong Frank. He is just going through a lot, and he won't be completely alone, he has his brother, and you can still write and call him." He put his hand on my shoulder in a comforting gesture, and I smiled at him in thanks.

"It just won't be the same..." I heaved out.

"I know kid...it's not going to be easy, but it's not impossible."

"Thanks Doctor, surprisingly I actually feel a bit better."

"It's my pleasure. I have to go check on some other patients now, but I will be back later to take you to see Gerard."

He gave my shoulder a squeeze before standing up, gathering his clipboard and papers in his hands.

"I wish I could repay you somehow." I was immensely grateful to him for listening to all my drama. He had no reason to sit here and hear me ramble about the shitstorm that was my life, but he did anyway. For those few moments, I felt like I wasn’t so alone in this after all.

"Don't worry about it. I just hate seeing people go through shit...uh - I mean - stuff like this alone." He blushed bright red at his slip up, but it just made him seem even more relatable to me.

"There needs to be more people like you in the world man.” I grinned at him genuinely.

"If you keep complimenting me, my ego is going to get enormous, and my boyfriend will never forgive you," he giggled before exiting the room.

With a soft sigh, I settled back in my bed and tried to find something to do to pass the time. There was nothing interesting on TV, so I ended up switching it off in frustration.

Staring at the clock as if that would make it move faster also lost its appeal quickly, especially when it only seemed to slow time down to an unbearable pace. I didn’t have anything else to do to entertain me, so I attempted to sleep, but that proved to be impossible with all the crazy thoughts whirling through my head.

Worry about how Gerard would react when I told him I was leaving was gnawing at me...I hated to see him in pain, and I knew this would hurt him. If there was any possible way I could prevent it - I would, but short of running away, I couldn't see a solution to my problem.

There were no other relatives that lived close by that I could propose to stay with instead except my dad…and even then we would still be separated by a two hour drive. Based on the lack of contact from him, he wouldn’t want me around anyway.

I was terrified that this would be the end of us...phone calls and letters would only be satisfying for so long. Dr. Wentz seemed confident that we could maintain our relationship, but the more I thought about it, the less sure I became. Yes - his situation worked out, but they both lived in the same city at least.

I knew Gerard loved me, but asking him to wait would be unfair to him...just because I didn't plan to move on didn't mean I shouldn't give him a chance to be happy with someone else, even if it killed me. Maybe I should end things with him so he didn't feel any residing guilt to stay faithful to someone a million miles away?

Even just thinking about breaking up with him caused my heart to twist painfully, but I needed to do what was best for him in this situation. He deserved so much more than I could give him right now, but where would that leave me? It would be insanely selfish of me to keep him tied down…but if I set him free, what would I have left?

Muffling my head in the pillow, I screamed my frustration at the world. Why was all of this happening to me? Why couldn't I be like every other fourteen year old boy who was just worried about popularity and school?

But no, I was lying here with a broken heart because I might be losing the only man I have ever loved, and I was seriously questioning my ability to survive without him. I wasn't sure how much more stress I could take, and being separated from Gerard might be the final straw that broke me completely.


	20. The hardest part of this is leaving you

**Gerard's POV**

I couldn't tell what time it was...the room was cast in shadows, hiding the clock face from my prying eyes, but I knew it was late. Sleep was eluding me, all I could think about was how I was going to be shipped to Laurel Hills in the morning.

I was so angry with my mother for making that decision that I was physically shaking. How the fuck would separating me from everything and everyone I loved going to help me recover from my self-harm...if anything - it was only going to make it worse.

I needed to tell Frank what was happening...but I didn't know what room he was staying in, or if he was even still in the hospital. Worry for him was gnawing at my gut, the last I had seen him, he had been escorted out of the room by two police officers.

I hope they had arrested that ass of a stepfather who dared to lay a hand on him. He needed to be locked up somewhere where he could never touch him again.

When I had begged my mother to let me see him later on, she told me that she had been turned away, and that he wasn't accepting visitors right now. I couldn't help but wonder if he didn't want to be around me anymore...I wouldn't blame him if he did.

But after everything he had said to me today, I had been finally starting to believe that Frank truly loved me. Now I didn't know what to think, and I was driving myself crazy with all of my assumptions.

The sound of a door creaking open softly broke me out of my dark thoughts, but I didn't look up, assuming it was just another nurse coming to check up on my vitals. They had been popping in and out every so often, and I just ignored them every time.

I didn't want to talk to anyone but Frank right now, and no one would let me see him. As if thinking his named summoned him to me, a familiar voice filled up my small room.

"Gee? Are you awake?"

"Frank - is that really you?" I exclaimed a bit louder than I had intended.

"Shh - yeah it's me, but be quiet okay? Dr. Wentz snuck me in here, and I don't want him to get in trouble." Frank crept to my bedside, and I pulled back the covers, giving him room to crawl under them with me.

"Are you okay Frankie? What happened with the cops?"

I wanted to tell him about how I was being sent away, but it was easier to focus on his problems and pretend mine didn't exist for the moment.

"I guess I'm okay...the officers just asked my mom and I some questions. She is going to divorce my stepdad, so that's the good news..." Frank trailed off in a way that showed there was obviously still some bad news to come.

"So why aren't you happy then?" I coaxed gently, hoping he would open up to me.

"Because...because..." Before he could continue, Frank was overcoming by wracking sobs. Seeing him fall apart ripped at my heartstrings, and I clutched his slender form to me as tightly as I could.

"Shh baby - it's going to be okay," I whispered soothingly.

"No it's not...you don't understand..." Frank gasped out.

"Then tell me. Please - I want to help you with this, and I can't if I don't know what's wrong."

"My mom is making me move...to California..." Frank managed to spit out before erupting into another fit of tears.

I felt my stomach sink to my feet and I had to fight back the urge to be physically sick. This couldn't be real, Frank couldn’t move. This was all just some sick joke the world was playing on us.

Any second now, Frank would laugh and say how he totally got me, and that I should see the look on my face, but he wasn’t that cruel; he would never think something like this would be funny.

Maybe it was a dream? Yeah that’s it…I was going to wake up in a moment in my room, and none of the events of the past three weeks will have happened.

"Gerard? Say something please?" Frank sniffled. I realized I had been silent for an unknown amount of time, and Frank was staring at me with clouded eyes.

"I don't know what to say...this all feels like a nightmare," I choked out past the lump in my throat.

"Fuck - I know...I don't want to leave you."

"And here I was thinking my life couldn't get any worse." Burying my face in my hands, I tried to hold myself together for Frank. He needed me to be strong right now, but he was the only thing keeping me sane, and even that was being ripped away from under my feet.

"I'm so sorry Gee..." Frank rubbed my back soothingly while I tried to choke back tears.

"When do you leave?"

"I don't know...soon I think. We are moving in with my aunt, and knowing my mom, she won't waste a second getting me out of here. Fuck - I hate this - I feel so helpless." Frank's hands were balled into fists, and I gently unclenched them before threading my fingers through his.

"I have some bad news too. My mom is sending me to Laurel Hills tomorrow. I don't know how long I will be there, they won't let me out until they think I have fully recovered."

"Laurel Hills? What's that?"

I had forgotten that Frank hadn't lived here his whole life like I had, so he didn't know anything about the crazy house I was being shipped off to.

"It's a mental institution for fuck ups. My mom doesn't trust me home alone right now, so when Dr. Wentz suggested I stay there for a bit, she was completely on board," I sighed.

“Oh yeah - Dr. Wentz did mention that you were going to get some help…”

“If shipping me off to a house full of psychos count as help, then yeah.”

"So basically - this is the last time I will get to see you then?" Frank's voice shook with suppressed emotion, and I couldn't meet his eyes, because I knew if I did, I would lose the tiny bit of self-control I had managed to hang onto.

"I guess so..." I whispered quietly.

"Then I better do this while I still can."

Before I could question what he meant, Frank pressed his lips against mine in a bruising kiss. I kissed him back eagerly, trying to drown my sorrows out in the electricity I felt when Frank touched me. Every caress of his hand and swipe of his tongue helped me to forget a little more, and I lost myself completely in the feeling of him.

Finally we broke apart when both of our lungs were screaming for air, and I felt lightheaded from the intensity of the kiss. Frank tried to dive back in for my mouth, but I stopped him with a gentle hand on his cheek, which was covered in salty tears.

As I watched, he continued to silently cry, and no matter how fast I was, I couldn't brush away the tears before more started to fall.

"Don't cry - please Frankie...I hate seeing you like this," I begged.

"I'm sorry - I just can't seem to stop. I love you Gee, and I don't want to live without you, but now I don't have a choice and I...I..."

"This isn't the end Frank. I won't let it be…if you still want me that is? I know this won't be easy, but you are the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I won't let something like distance rip us apart. I will call every day, and write to you, and once I graduate, I will get a job, and save every cent so I can come move to California with you. It's only a few more months until I am eighteen, and school will be out soon after that."

"You would really do that for me Gerard?" Frank gasped in awe, and I felt a warm tingling feeling spread throughout my body when he smiled for the first time all night.

"Of course baby. I love you, and you moving away doesn't change that. It hasn't made you rethink things has it?" I questioned awkwardly.

"No - not at all! I just never expected you to want to stay with me. I came in here tonight determined to break up with you so you could live your life without having to worry about me. I didn't want to bring you down."

"You are an idiot if you think you do anything but lift me up Frankie. I know what I feel for you is real, and I won't ever stop loving you and fighting for us - unless you don't want me to, and even then I would still love you from afar." Frank leaned his head against my shoulder and I began running my fingers through his hair.

"We could really make this work. It would only take a year at the most before we could see each other again. I could try and do odd jobs for my aunt to help you moneywise, and even if we can't save enough for you to move, then you could just visit until we do. I mean, we would still have to be careful since our relationship is technically illegal, but as long as my mom doesn't find out, we should be in the clear." I could hear the excitement lacing Frank's words, and I smiled against his forehead. I was ecstatic that Frank was willing to work this out with me, and that I wouldn't have to face a life without him in it.

"I'm not leaving you baby - I promise," I reassured him.

"God Gerard - you don't know how badly I needed to hear that." He snuggled even deeper into my chest, and I sighed in contentment.

"I love you so much," I mumbled before kissing him lightly on the lips.

"I love you too Gee." Frank smiled against my mouth as he deepened our kiss, causing me to melt against his body.

I could feel every one of his emotions being poured into the movement of his lips against mine, and I was in awe that this perfect boy could still love me.

We spent the night in each other's arms, kissing occasionally until Frank drifted off to sleep against my chest. I spent the time memorizing Frank's face, and trying to imprint in my mind the way he fit perfectly in my arms as if he was my other half.

I wished there was a way I could bottle this feeling up and carry it with me over the next year when I would no longer have Frank to help me through life. Right now - I felt like I could move mountains if Frank asked me to, and I had to keep pushing on for him if we were going to last.

I had never wanted anything as badly as I desired to be with Frank, and I would do whatever it took to be reunited with him as soon as possible, but first I had to survive Laurel Hills, and battle my own demons so I would be free to devote my full attention to fight for Frank.

\-------------------------------------------

It seemed as if I had barely closed my eyes before I heard the door grate open again, and I recognized Dr. Wentz’s shaggy head of hair peeking through the crack. It was still dark outside, but I could see the sky lightening, which meant morning was fast approaching.

I glanced down at Frank, but he was still fast asleep, and I was loathe to wake him.

“I’m sorry Gerard, but Frank has to go now before anyone realizes he was here.”

I knew he was right, but my arms tightened around Frank reflexively. I wasn’t ready to let him out of my sight yet.

“Can I carry him back to his room?” I asked in a hushed voiced.

“Fine by me,” Dr. Wentz shrugged.

I tucked my sleeping boyfriend securely into my chest before getting to my feet carefully. Frank mumbled to himself quietly before burrowing even deeper into my arms.

On silent feet, I padded after Dr. Wentz, barely paying attention to where I was going because I was so distracted gazing at Frank’s carefree face. His lips were slightly parted, and it was so tempting to lean down and kiss them softly, but I restrained myself.

All too soon, Dr. Wentz paused at one of the many identical doors and pushed it open, motioning for me to go inside first. He stayed by the door, giving me a few more moments alone with Frank.

As gently as I could, I laid him in bed before tucking the covers securely around his shoulders. We had already said our goodbyes earlier, but I couldn’t resist leaning down and kissing his cheek softly.

“I love you Frankie,” I whispered before turning my back on his slumbering form.

I tried to force my feet to move, but they seemed glued to the floor. This wasn’t goodbye forever…just for a little while, but no matter how many times I repeated that phrase in my head, I couldn’t force myself to leave the room. Just then, I felt a small hand slip into mine and squeeze gently.

“I love you more Gee. Stay strong - okay? I will be waiting for you.”

I flipped around and crashed my lips against his in one last kiss that was going to have to sustain me for the time being. I heard Dr. Wentz clearing his throat impatiently from his post, and I ripped away from Frank while I still had the strength.

“I’ll find you…” I promised as I crossed the room, walking backwards so I could keep my eyes on him for as long as possible.

He refused to let go of my hand until it became impossible for him to stretch any farther; when we could no longer maintain our grip, his fingers brushed against mine before falling limply to his side.

The movement seemed so final in my mind, as if that one action solidified the fact that we were truly being separated. I rushed back to my room in a daze, replaying our final kiss over and over in a futile attempt at keeping my tears at bay.

A tune began to form in my head, and I began singing softly, pretending in my mind that Frank was sitting by my side and listening intently.

_Be strong and hold my hand_

_Time - it comes for us, you’ll understand_

_We’ll say goodbye today_

_And I'm sorry how it ends this way_

_If you promise not to cry_

_Then I’ll tell you just what I would say_

_If I could be with you tonight_

_I would sing you to sleep_

_Never let them take the light behind your eyes_

_I’ll fail and lose this fight_

_Never fade in the dark_

_Just remember you will always burn as bright_


	21. I've been holding on tonight

_That was the last time I saw Frank Iero for eight years..._

By the time I woke up, Frank had already been discharged from the hospital. Doctor Wentz delivered a note he had left in his room for me, and I never went anywhere without it.

_I will spend the rest of my days and nights chasing tomorrow until I can be with you again_

_Stay strong for me_

_I love you_

Not long after I received his letter, I was being released at well, but instead of going home, I found myself in the car with my mother - heading to Laurel Hills.

“How are you doing honey?” my mom broke the relative silence of the car with her casual question.

“Just fucking peachy…” I huffed out sarcastically.

“I know you don’t want to be here, but it isn’t for that long baby.”

“That’s really not what I’m worried about right now,” I answered truthfully, but I didn’t want to elaborate any further.

“Is it Frank?” she asked quietly.

“Huh?” I snapped my head around to look at her instead of staring out the window like I had been for the past hour.

“I know you two are dating sweetie, and it’s okay.” She smiled down at me as I tried to comprehend the fact that our relationship hadn’t been as secret as I thought, not to mention the lack of reaction from my mother concerning my sexuality.

“How long have you known?” I worried my lower lip between my teeth anxiously.

“Well - I was always a bit suspicious, but it was after I talked to him at the hospital that I knew for sure.”

“And you aren’t mad?”

“No I’m not - I realize that he is young, but age isn’t everything, even though some people seem to think it is. I can see the way he looks at you though, and I have nothing against your relationship - as long as you are being safe.”

“Mom….we haven’t even done anything!” My cheeks flamed red with embarrassment, this was not the conversation that I had been expecting to have today.

“Well I know you are a teenager, and those urges are going to come up eventually, so just remember -"

“Seriously mom - shut up. You already gave me the sex talk okay?” I groaned loudly.

“Well it’s different with guys, and I wasn’t aware that you were gay until recently, so I need to update it,” she chuckled wryly.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, I was just scared that you wouldn’t approve of Frank - I should have said something though.”

“It’s okay baby, I understand that it is a big thing to reveal to anyone, but I don’t want you to be afraid to tell me anything.”

“I’ll remember that.”

“So how long have you two been together?”

“Almost four months now.”

We continued to talk for the rest of the drive; I told her everything that I had previously kept hidden about Frank and I’s relationship, including the fact that he was moving now, and she listened patiently throughout my entire story. She reassured me that Frank seemed to truly love me, and she said she would help us in any way she could until we were reunited again.

Before I knew it, the imposing gates of Laurel Hill’s had appeared, swallowing up our car as we passed through them, and I was faced with the prisonlike building that would be my home for an undisclosed amount of time.

After getting me signed in, my mother kissed me goodbye with promises to visit with Mikey soon. I let the orderly - or whatever you call them here - lead me to my room, and I listened quietly as they walked me through my daily schedule, and what would be expected of me during my stay here.

They took all my personal possessions - including my clothes, leaving me with a plain white uniform which I already loathed. When they tried to take my note from Frank, I began screaming and kicking, desperate to keep this one piece of him with me.

Finally a doctor wearing a fedora came in and informed the man to just let me have it, in his words there wasn't much I could do to myself with a slip of paper. I gave him a grateful smile, and he nodded at me in return.

There wasn't much to say about my stay in Laurel Hills. It was a monotonous routine of eat, group therapy, school, rec time, eat, then sleep.

I wasn't exactly getting better, but I didn't get any worse either. I still had dark thoughts, but no way to act on them, and the thought of Frank's disappointment if I did kept me from searching for creative means to self-harm. I really did want to stop, especially if it meant I could get out of this hell hole that much quicker.

Two weeks came and went, and my psychiatrist - who ironically enough was Dr. Wentz's boyfriend, Dr. Stump - informed my mother that he hadn't seen enough improvement to be comfortable with releasing me. I thought I would be furious when I heard his proclamation, but I was just numb.

As much as I wanted to return home and be able to see Mikey again, it was so much less appealing without Frank next door. So I resigned myself to my fate and did my best to act how I thought a normal person would.

The only sliver of light in my boring existence was my daily phone call to Frank. My mom understood that I needed to talk with him, so she didn't begrudge me using it to call him instead of her.

Just hearing his voice brought a smile to my face, and even though we couldn't talk for long - I had a time limit and he had to be careful not to be caught by his mom - it was enough to sustain me.

I received occasional letters from him as well, but he had to get his aunt to mail them since his mother was still adamant that he had no contact with me. I treasured each one as if they were made of gold.

I wrote him every day since I had nothing else to do during rec time. Usually they consisted of random drawings and song lyrics I had thought up because I was terrible at “talking about my day” and I never had anything new to say anyway.

I was worried that his mother would notice the return address on them and freak out, but so far we had been lucky for once, and Frank begged me to keep sending them.

I lived for him alone, and for now, that was enough to keep me going.

Then tragedy struck - as it always does...I kept hoping that the universe was done trying to destroy me, but I should have known better.

It was just another day, and I was calling Frank, basically bouncing on my toes with excitement. About five minutes into our conversation, I heard scuffling, and then Frank's voice cut off abruptly as if he had pulled the phone away from his mouth.

"What mom?" I heard faintly through the receiver.

"No one! Just a friend okay? What the hell...let go!"

"Who is this?" A female voice cut through my worried thoughts, and I knew he had been found out. In a panic, I hung up, my breathing so ragged it seemed as if I had run a marathon.

The next day was agony...I counted down the minutes until my phone call, hoping that Frank had managed to give his mom a reasonable excuse as to who he was talking to.

But when I dialed his number from memory, it didn't ring like it normally did. Instead - I was met with a series of strange beeps before an automated voice chimed in.

"I'm sorry. The number you are trying to reach has been disconnected or is no longer in service. If you feel you have reached this recording in error, please check the number and try your call again."

Feeling numb and broken all at the same time - I hung the phone back up with shaking hands. My one connection to Frank had been severed completely, and I was adrift and alone.

A broken scream ripped its way out of my throat, and I thrust my fist against the unforgiving wall as hard as I could. I needed to feel some kind of physical pain to dull the emotional agony that was ripping me apart.

I faintly registered the sound of the door opening, and I knew I was no longer alone, but I couldn't seem to control my body. Cold hands encircled me, pinning my arms behind my back before dragging me away as I continued to scream.

Days passed, and then weeks, with still no call or letter from Frank. I didn't know how to keep going without him, and for a month, I was a lifeless shell, not speaking to anyone and refusing to move from my room.

I didn’t eat, I barely slept, I just stared blanking at the wall and ignored everyone who tried to get me to do anything. I was trapped inside of my mind, and I couldn’t seem to break free of the prison I had trapped myself in.

My mother and Mikey came to visit, but even they couldn't rouse me from my comatose state. The doctors were at their wit’s end with me, but I couldn't bring myself to care about anything, half the time I didn’t even notice their presence.

Then one day, I realized what I had to do...I had to get out of here so I could go find Frank. I made myself believe he was still alive and breathing, even though my mind did its best to convince me otherwise. I refused to let the idea take root though, because if something really had happened to Frank, I wouldn’t be able to continue on.

I considered the fact that he had gotten tired of me, but he promised he would love me, and I wouldn’t give up on him until he told me to my face that he didn’t want me anymore.

I pulled out the now tattered note that carried the words I held inside my heart. Rereading the three sentences - which were more meaningful to me than a full length novel - fueled my determination to be free of this place, and the only way I was going to be released was if I made a real attempt to start living again.

So that's just what I did, I participated in group therapy, and opened up a bit to Dr. Stump. It took much longer than I thought it would, but six months after I was admitted to Laurel Hills, I was walking out of those gates - never to return.

School was over, and I had technically graduated since my high school had sent all of my work to me so I wouldn't fall behind. I had missed the ceremony, but I didn't really care about that. I was just ecstatic to be out in the real world once again.

Surprisingly - I was actually a much happier person; I still missed Frank like crazy, but the voices that plagued my mind had receded - for good I hoped, and I had been so long without alcohol that I didn't crave it like I used to.

Cigarettes were the only old habit I picked up again, it seemed that Mikey had started smoking when I was away, and instead of being a good brother and trying to get him to quit, I indulged in my addiction with him.

When I was released, I was giving back my cell phone, which was full of loving texts from Frank, all dating back to about five months ago. I had one voice mail from a number I didn't recognize, and I clicked on it nervously.

"Gee it’s me...my mom took my phone, and she knows I was calling you. Fuck - she looked up the damn number, and I don't know what to do. I am using my aunt’s house phone to call you right now, but I don't know how much longer I will be staying here. My mom is screaming at her right now...they are fighting because of me." His voice was thick with tears, and I had to hold back my own sobs.

"I can't stay in a house with a backstabbing bitch like you!" I could hear his mom yell from the other room, and I shuddered violently.

"Gee - I don't know what's going to happen, but never forget that I love you okay? I will find you...I promise, no matter how long it takes. Shit - I have to go, my mom’s coming in here..."

Then it cut off abruptly, leaving me paralyzed and aching for Frank. I listened to it five times in a row, just so I could hear his voice again.

Once I had composed myself, I dialed Frank's aunt's phone number, hoping desperately that she had some idea where Frank was now. She informed me that her sister and Frank had moved away, and she wasn't quite sure where. Her sister was furious with her for helping Frank mail letters to me behind her back, and they hadn't spoken since. I apologized profusely, but she just brushed it off, saying it had been her pleasure.

Stuck at a dead end, I tried everything I could think of, but I couldn't unearth any mention of a Frank Iero anywhere, or Linda for that matter.

I yearned to find Frank, but I knew I had to be realistic and get a steady job first. Before long, I got hired at the local Barnes and Noble, and I was bringing in enough income that my mom never complained about the fact that I hadn’t moved out yet.

I think she was just happy to have me home and in sound mind once again, and it was nice not having to be alone. I didn’t think I was quite ready for that just yet.

I never gave up on Frank, but eventually I realized that my search was futile. At first - I called his disconnected number every day, but it was never back in service, and my countless hours on the internet trying to find any mention of him had never provided any results.

Not knowing what to do, I just continued living day by day, hoping that eventually the universe would take pity on me and send me a sign that the love of my life was still out there somewhere.

Time passed in the blink of an eye, and still Frank was permanently imprinted on my mind.

I continued to see Dr. Stump to make sure I would never relapse back into the person I used to be. I wanted to be the best version of myself for when I finally found Frank again, and it was working.

I was going to school for art, and I had finally moved out of my mother’s house. Mikey lived with me for a while before shacking up with his boyfriend Ray, and the solitude didn't bother me as much as I thought it would.

Before I knew it, eight years had flown by with still no sign of Frank - not counting the sketches of his face that adorned my walls, but I never gave up...I would wait for Frank until the end of time.


	22. Because the drugs never work

**Frank's POV**

_That was the last time I saw Gerard Way for eight years..._

Before I knew it, I was being awoken by Dr. Wentz, who informed me that my mother was here to pick me up since I was officially discharged from the hospital.

Needing to leave Gerard one final goodbye, I hastily scribbled out a note to him on a sheet of paper torn from Dr. Wentz's medical notepad.

It was short and simple, but I didn't have time for anything more, and I hoped it would be enough to sustain him while we were apart.

_I will spend the rest of my days and nights chasing tomorrow until I can be with you again_

_Stay strong for me_

_I love you_

The drive home with my mother was filled by an awkward silence. I was still furious with her for making me leave Gerard behind, and seeing the **“For Sale”** sign in our yard only intensified it.

When I entered the house, it looked pristine for the first time in weeks, and I could tell that my mom had attempted to erase all evidence of the fight I had with my stepfather. It was a useless effort though, those memories were permanently imprinted on my brain, and tidying up the house wouldn't make them disappear.

I spent the following week locked in my room, avoiding all human contact. My mom didn't force me to go school since we were leaving for California on Saturday. I shouldn't have been surprised that she was in such a rush, but it still hurt.

My daily phone calls with Gerard cheered me up a bit, but as soon as I hung up the phone, my stomach sank back into my knees, and my sorrow at our parting washed over me once again.

On my last day in town, I forced myself out of the house to say my goodbyes to Mikey. He had been an amazing friend to me, and I was going to miss him so much.

We spent the day pretending I wasn't leaving, instead we played video games and messed around trying to write a song together. That kid was an amazing bass player, and our styles melded really well.

All too soon, my phone’s ringtone cut through the room, and when I saw my mom’s name flashing across the screen, I knew it was time to go. Mikey and I parted ways with a hug and a promise to keep in touch.

The trip to California was torturous since my mother had elicited to drive instead of fly like any normal person would do. I had to make up an excuse to find a private place to call Gerard, usually resorting to a sleazy gas station bathroom, but my surroundings were forgotten as soon as his beautiful voice reached my ears.

I was so proud of him, he seemed like he was genuinely trying to get better, and I hoped Laurel Hills would put his self-harm to rest for good.

Once we arrived in California, I was pleasantly surprised at how quickly I warmed up to my Aunt Ellie. I hadn't seen her since I was three years old, but she was so cheerful and outgoing it was hard not to like her.

My mom immediately jumped back into her job, so most of the time it was just my aunt and I in the house. School wasn't so bad either, but it was just an annoyance to me. I didn't get bullied or anything, but no one attempted to make friends with me, and I didn't have the energy to open up to anyone either.

Christmas holidays were approaching quickly, and I was looking forward to not having to deal with faking attention in class for a few weeks.

One night my aunt snuck into my room as I was writing a letter to Gerard; I had been so focused on the words that I hadn't heard her come in, and I didn't have time to cover up what I was doing.

I had yet to send him any of the ones I had written because I couldn't find any stamps, and I had no way to get to the post office besides walking. I had debated making the trip a few times, but I had been too nervous about my aunt or mom freaking out when I wasn't home at my usual hour.

Gerard had assured me that our daily talks were enough for now, and that I shouldn’t take the risk of getting caught until my mother had calmed down a bit.

"Who is Gerard?" Aunt Ellie asked softly before sitting down in front of me. I gasped in shock, only now noticing her presence in the room.

"Umm...no one. Just a friend." I stumbled over my tongue, making my lame excuse sound suspicious even to my own ears.

"He sounds like more than a friend to me," she smiled softly, and I breathed out a sigh of relief at her acceptance.

"So you know that I'm gay then?" I questioned sheepishly.

"I didn't actually, but don't worry - I don't judge. Love is love in my book. So why haven't I heard about this boy before?"

My mom wasn't home at the moment, and I missed Gerard so much I found myself gushing about him to my aunt. Even just hearing myself talk about him was a balm to the ache on my heart.

"He is my boyfriend. He lives back in Jersey though, so I haven't seen him since we moved. He is the most amazing person I have ever met, and I would give anything to be with him right now..."

"Oh honey - it sounds like you have it bad for this boy."

"I really do," I answered wistfully.

"Well I know it isn't much, but I can mail that letter for you if you want me to?" she offered innocently.

"I would love that...but my mom doesn't want me to have any contact with him. She thinks he is a bad influence on me, which is part of the reason we moved. I wouldn't want her getting mad at you." I stared down at my feet awkwardly.

The temptation to lie to her was strong, but I didn't want to cause a rift between sisters because of my selfishness. My mom probably wouldn't have noticed anyway; she and I were barely speaking except when it became necessary, but I opted for honesty and hoped for the best.

"Oh...well - she doesn't have to know everything I do. If you are still hung up on this boy even after you moved away, he must be something special."

"He really is. I can't thank you enough, you don't know how much this means to me," I gushed before pulling her into a hug.

Now that I could send Gerard my letters, my spirits brightened considerably. I was a bit worried when he informed me that he was going to be staying at Laurel Hills for longer than he originally anticipated, but he assured me that he was getting better, he just needed more time.

Everything was as perfect as it could be, considering our circumstances, but all too soon it came crumbling down.

It was just another day, and I was alone in the house waiting for five o’ clock to finally arrive so I could call Gerard. I almost squealed with joy when the second hand inched to the top of the clock and my phone began to ring shrilly.

"Hey baby." I smiled to myself as Gerard's familiar cadence overwhelmed my senses.

This was the only time of day that I truly felt happy, and even though I ached for his touch, the sound of his voice was enough to erase my problems for the time being. We chatted for a while about nothing at all, and I was too occupied with listening to him to hear my door opening.

I really should have been more careful, but Gerard commanded my entire attention, and with Aunt Ellie out at the store, I hadn't expected anyone to interrupt us. Fear gripped my stomach when my mother entered the room, looking frustrated and worn out.

"Frank - I need to talk to you about something..." She trailed off when she noticed me on the phone, and I quickly pulled it away from my mouth in an attempt to hide the device from her, even though I knew it was already too late.

"What mom?" I asked exasperatedly. I was trying to distract her from my phone call, but her eyes narrowed, and I knew she wasn't going to drop it.

"Who are you talking to?" She came closer to me, and I shuffled as far back on the bed as I could go before my spine hit the wall.

"No one! Just a friend okay?"

"Then why are you hiding the phone from me?" She tried to snatch the device out of my hand, but I darted out of her reach.

"What the hell...let go!" I screeched as her hand clamped around my wrist, forcing the display screen into her line of vision.

I saw confusion flash over her features as she read over the name Laurel Hills. Thank god I hadn't saved it under Gerard's name...maybe she wouldn't make the connection. Even if we had been speaking on a regular basis, I wouldn't have told her about the fact that Gerard had been committed to a mental hospital, because that definitely wasn't going to convince her to let me be with him - quite the opposite actually.

Before I could react, she had pried the phone from my desperately grasping fingers and pressed it to her ear angrily.

“Who is this?” Her tone demanded an answer, and I prayed to god that Gerard was smart enough to hang up, because she would recognize his voice for sure.

Luckily there was no response, and my mother scoffed in disgust before pocketing my phone as I watched in horror, wracking my brain for some plausible way to explain myself.

"I don't want you calling numbers I am unfamiliar with, and I will be keeping your phone until I find out who this was."

She refused to relinquish her possession of my phone, even when tears began to roll down my face.

"Why are you being such a bitch?" I choked out around the sobs that were clogging up my throat.

"I am trying to do what's best for you..." she whispered softly, but I had stopped listening.

I had sunk back down into the blackness that had become my world without Gerard’s presence in it. This was it...she was going to look up the number and discover it was to a mental hospital in New Jersey, and it wasn't hard to put two and two together.

I had to do something to stop this, but my mind was blank. All I could do was lie on my bed and cry myself to sleep, hoping for the best, but expecting the worst.

The blowup didn't come until the next day, and it was much more explosive than I had prepared myself for.

I awoke to screaming coming from downstairs, and the sound of my name had me hastily pulling on sweat pants and rushing into the living room as quickly as I could.

My mother was standing with her back to me, yelling at my aunt, who just stood their defiantly with her arms crossed over her chest.

"How could you go behind my back like this? I have specific reasons for not wanting him to talk to that boy, and you completely disrespected me!" My mother was literally shaking with fury and I cowered back into the kitchen so she wouldn't see me.

Well it seems like she had found out about the letters too...

"I did it because Gerard makes Frank happy, and if you spent any time around your son, you would realize how depressed he has been lately. I hate seeing him like this, and sending a letter wasn't going to hurt anything," my aunt retorted bitterly.

"That wasn't your decision to make - you aren't his parent!"

I felt so guilty that my aunt was taking the heat for my relationship with Gerard, but I had warned her beforehand that this might happen. I just wished this could all have been avoided somehow.

"I might as well be, since you are never around! Look - I know you are bitter, but you can't take it out on him. He's just a kid, and it's not his fault."

I wasn't sure what they were talking about, but I didn't want to reveal myself to ask. Instead I began searching for the house phone. My mom still hadn't returned my cell phone, and I needed to let Gerard know that I might not be able to call him for a little while.

Finally I located the device over by the toaster oven, and I tried to remember the number for Laurel Hills. In my shaken state, I couldn't recall it from my memory, so I went with the next best thing - his cell phone.

I knew he wasn't allowed to have it on his person, but maybe someone would check his messages and relay my call to him. It rang a couple of times before sending me to his adorable voice mail.

"Hey - you have reached Gerard...um yeah - I guess leave a message or something, and I will get back to you as soon as I can."

A faint smile graced my lips when I heard his voice, even if it was just a recording.

"Gee it’s me...my mom took my phone, and she knows I was calling you. Fuck - she looked up the damn number, and I don't know what to do. I am using my aunt's house phone to call you right now, but I don't know how much longer I will be staying here. My mom is screaming at her right now...they are fighting because of me." Unshed tears burned my eyes, but I refused to let them fall, I had to finish this message.

"I can't stay in a house with a backstabbing bitch like you!" I flinched violently as my mom's voice rose to an insanely high pitch, and I knew I was running out of time.

"Gee - I don't know what's going to happen, but never forget that I love you okay? I will find you...I promise, no matter how long it takes. Shit - I have to go, my mom is coming in here..."

I hung up the phone hastily as my mother entered the room, her eyes bloodshot and tear tracks marring her cheeks.

"Pack your stuff, we are leaving," was all she said before turning on her heel and exiting the kitchen.

On shaking knees, I crept into the living room, where I spied my Aunt Ellie dropping into her comfy armchair with a heavy sigh.

"I'm so sorry..." I whispered quietly, but by the way her head shot up, I knew she had heard me.

"Don't apologize to me Frank, you didn't do anything wrong."

She patted her lap and I climbed onto it, feeling like a three year old again as her warm arms encircled me.

"I just don't understand why she hates Gerard so much," I sniffled pathetically.

"Your mom is having a lot of problems of her own, and she doesn't know how to deal with them. I'm not saying what she is doing is right, but she is in a lot of pain at the moment - just like you. I know this is unfair, but for now - just try and do what she says. I am sure she will warm up to the idea of you and Gerard eventually."

“Okay...I guess I need to go pack now. I'll miss you Aunt Ellie, and thanks again for everything."

"I'll miss you too Frankie." She pressed a kiss to my cheek before I hopped off her lap and hurried to my room to gather my stuff.

Her words kept running through my head, and I couldn't seem to comprehend them. What was hurting my mom so badly that she had morphed into a completely different person from the loving mother I used to know?

Well whatever it was, I wasn't going to forgive her so easily - no matter what my aunt said...

We stayed in a hotel that night, my mother informed me that we would be apartment searching in the morning. When I brought myself to ask about my cell phone, she told me that she had it disconnected, and I would get a new one when she trusted me again.

It took every ounce of self-control I had not to lash out at her when I heard that, but I managed to stay silent. Screaming wasn't going to fix anything, and I had enough of raised voices for one day.

I tried to sleep, but thoughts of Gerard were refusing to let my mind rest. What was he doing right now...was he worried when I didn't answer his call today? Did someone pass him my message? How long would it be before I could call him again? I still couldn't remember Laurel Hills number...I had it saved in my phone, but that was gone now, and I felt like an idiot for not writing it down anywhere else.

A buzzing noise sounded faintly throughout the room, but I ignored it, knowing it was just my mother’s cell.

"Hey…" My mom’s voice cut through my internal freak out, and I listened intently, pretending to be asleep.

"Is Frank there? God I'm so sorry about everything. I wish I could apologize to him." I could just faintly make out a male voice on the other line, and I recognized it as my stepdad.

My jaw clenched when I realized she was still talking to him, but I tried to keep my breathing even so I wouldn't give myself away.

"Yeah - but he's asleep...I don't think he would want to hear that right now, but thank you," my mom sighed. I couldn't hear what my stepdad said next because she had turned on her side, muffling his voice.

"Of course I still love you...but I can't condone what you did to my son. I'm so proud of you for getting clean but..."

My stepdad cut her off, but as much as I strained my ears, I could only pick up murmurs from his end.

"Please stop...don't you know I would come back to you in an instant if I could. I miss you so much...but I just can't do that to Frank. We need to start over. Maybe if you are still clean when he moves out, we can try again, but until then, this has to be goodbye."

When she started to cry, I stopped eavesdropping, I didn't need to hear anymore. So this was what my aunt was talking about...I had no idea my mom still had feelings for my stepdad.

She was hurting - just like I was. This didn't mean that all was forgiven, but I decided to try and at least attempt civil conversation with her tomorrow. She deserved that much I guess...

I kept to my word, and over time our relationship slowly began repairing. I would never be as close to my mother as we were before, but I had stopped ignoring her, and she had made an attempt to be around a bit more now that I didn't have Aunt Ellie to keep me company.

She still wouldn't let me have a phone though, and I had to resort to asking people at school if I could borrow theirs to try and get in contact with Gerard. It was a futile effort...he never answered his cell phone, no matter how many times I called it.

At first I assumed he was still at Laurel Hills, and he couldn't call me back, but after a while, I had to accept the fact that he had moved on from me. He had said he was only going to be there for a couple weeks, and as the months passed, I couldn't think of any other option.

I cursed myself again for not writing any of my contacts down, because I couldn't remember Mikey's number either, and he was the only person who could have told me what had happened to Gerard, and if he still wanted me in his life or not.

A small portion of my mind wondered if something terrible had occurred, but I shut it down instantly; I refused to think like that, because I had no proof, and it would only destroy me if I carried on with that train of thought.

When six months had passed with still no word from Gerard, I lost all hope. I should have been crushed, despondent, hysterical, but I literally felt nothing - just numbness.

I refused to even think his name, and although I never actually forgot about him, I had to pretend like he had ceased to exist so I wouldn't fall apart completely.

I stopped calling his phone, and I hid all the letters he had written me in a lockbox so I wouldn't have to look at them and be reminded of what we used to have. I couldn't believe he had forgotten me so quickly...but as long as he was happy, I would have to accept it - Gerard's well-being was all that mattered.

When I was sixteen, we moved again - to New York this time since my mother got another promotion, and I didn't protest at all. I had nothing for me in California, and I didn't care where I lived. Nothing phased me anymore now that the worse had already happened to me.

I had noticed my mom slowly unraveling at the seams, but it didn't hit home until we had been living in the Big Apple for a few months.

I knew she still missed my stepdad, and every now and then I heard them taking on the phone late at night when she assumed I was asleep. Combining that with the stress of her new job, she began to break, and it scared me.

She started drinking frequently - before she would only consume a bottle of beer or two on particularly stressful evenings, and more often than not, she came home with a strange man on her arm. I avoided her those nights, but the walls were thin, and I knew what was going on.

It wasn't until she got fired from her job that I realized how far she had fallen, alcoholism had her in its nasty grip, and she crawled into the bottle more and more each day.

She never hit me like my stepdad had, but it still hurt watching my mom waste away into nothing. We had enough in savings to last us for a while, so she didn't even attempt to search for another job; instead she choose to loose herself in a strange man's arms and whatever alcoholic substance she could get her hands on.

The men she brought home were abysmal; they terrified me, and when they began hanging around more often, I was hit with painful memories of my stepfather. The worst of them all was Andy, who was one of her regulars. He was always staring at me with a nasty glint in his eye, and just being around him made my skin crawl.

I wasn't a perfect person either - not even close, so I was in no position to judge my mother. Living in such a big city exposed me to a darker side of the world, which I fell into readily, eager to fill the gaping hole Gerard had left in my heart.

I didn't drink because of my natural aversion to it, but drugs seduced me with their siren call, and before I knew what was happening, I had tried pretty much everything in the book.

Somehow I managed to graduate from high school, how I don't know since I was high basically ninety percent of the time, but once school was out, I made no effort to do anything with my life either, so my mother and I were the perfect pair.

As much as I pretended they worked, the pills never truly made me forget, and time made everything worse, not better. Even though I had sworn to let Gerard go - he obviously didn't need me anymore - that was easier said than done.

The fact that Jersey wasn't that far away was a constant temptation to me, if he was even still there that is, but something always held me back. I was not sure if it was the reluctance to leave my mother alone while she was spiraling into her own depression, or if I was too terrified of having him reject me to my face, but for whatever reason, I stayed in our little apartment, trying to cage away the memories of him.

One day I got the shove I needed to release myself from the metaphorical prison I had built out of drugs and fear, but it came in the worst way possible.

I was high again, hiding in my bedroom because I didn't want my mom to see me like this, when my door was pushed open, and Andy stalked into the small space like he owned it.

In my inebriated state, I didn't realize what was happening until it was too late...he had me pinned to the bed before my brain even thought to move, and my mom must have been passed out, because no one came when I screamed.

Once he was finished, Andy stalked out of my room like nothing had happened, leaving me naked and sobbing on the soiled sheets.

When I had finally composed myself, I quickly threw my few prized possessions and a couple of changes of clothes into my backpack. I couldn't stay here any longer...I had to get away.

I scribbled out a hasty note to my mom, telling her I loved her and not to worry. I couldn't bring myself to face her and tell her what happened, basing it off past experiences - she either wouldn't believe me, or she would be too drunk to remember, and I knew Andy would come around again eventually.

Swinging my guitar that Gerard had bought me for my birthday all those years ago over my back, I exited the apartment without a backward glance.

Even though I hadn't admitted it to myself, I knew where my feet were taking me...I was heading back to Jersey. I had no idea how I was going to get there, or what I was going to find when I arrived, but I had no other place left to go.

I wasn't planning on waltzing back into Gerard's life and expecting him to still love me after all these years, I just needed to make sure he was happy before I left this world for good. I promised I would find him, and I had to follow through with that before I ended this wretched excuse of an existence.


	23. I'm not okay I promise

**Frank's POV**

It only took an hour of pointless wandering around town before the reality of my situation hit me and I broke down completely. I was already hopelessly lost, and I had no idea how I was going to get to Jersey, much less find Gerard.

I was dirt poor thanks to my drug habit, speaking of which - I was really craving a fix right now, and I had no way to get one, I had finished off the last of my stash this morning.

The stress of everything was just too much, and I collapsed onto the chilly sidewalk sobbing pathetically. I felt so dirty, and used, and worthless, and I had no idea how I was going to find the strength to move another inch.

"Frank? What are you doing here?"

The familiar voice snapped me back to my senses, and I raised my tear stained face to meet the concerned eyes of Bert - my drug dealer. We didn't talk much outside of our transactions, but we had gotten high a few times together, and he seemed like a pretty decent guy.

"Oh hey..." I sniffled, hurriedly trying to erase the evidence of my crying bout from my face, even though he had to be blind not to notice.

"Are you okay dude? You don't look so good." He leaned down and pulled me to my feet as he spoke.

"I've been better," I sighed out lamely. I didn't really want to explain my situation to Bert, fuck - I hadn't even accepted it myself.

"What happened?"

"Um...my mom kicked me out..." It was the first excuse that came to my mind, and it was believable at least.

"Dude - you're like twenty, why do you still live with your mom? I was out the door the second I turned eighteen," Bert chuckled, obviously trying to lighten the mood, and I laughed along halfheartedly.

"I guess I never really had any reason to leave until now."

"Well if you need a place to stay, you can crash with me for a while," he offered.

"Really? You would do that for me?"

I was shocked at his unexpected offer of kindness, and I wasn't going to turn down a roof over my head while I figured my shit out.

"Yeah it's no problem. I actually get kind of lonely sometimes - it's just me and my cat you know?"

I giggled at the memory of the last time I was at Bert's place. His cat Bubbles had decided that my crotch was his new favorite napping place, and even though he was pretty fat, I hadn't had the heart to move him.

"I owe you big time," was the only response I could think of, but it seemed to be enough, because a grin split Bert's face as I followed him back to his place like a lost puppy.

His apartment was basically like mine, kind of dirty and run down, but it was a place to stay, and I was used to it by now. I had only planned on crashing there for a few nights until I decided how I was going to get to Jersey, but somehow days turned into months, and I still hadn't left.

I began helping Bert out with his dealing to earn my keep, and he kept me well supplied in return. We actually became pretty good friends, and I enjoyed his company more than I was expecting to.

He was so chill and laid back that being around him relaxed me - all the drugs he provided me with might have helped as well, and he seemed genuinely happy to have me around. He must have really been lonely to want a depressed freeloader like me in his life, but I wasn’t complaining.

Eventually I realized that I was just hiding from my rapidly approaching end, because as soon as I made sure Gerard was happy, I was going to kill myself. I had nothing left to live for, so I might as well get it over with.

Deep down though, I was still afraid to die, which is why I stayed with Bert so long; temporarily forgetting everything until my high ended and reality came back to slap me in the face.

I had nightmares of Andy every night, and even though I'm sure Bert heard my screams, he never asked me about them, for which I was insanely grateful. As time passed, the urge to see Gerard grew like he was a magnet pulling me toward him, and eventually I could resist it no longer.

I don't know what possessed me to leave in the middle of the night without a word to Bert besides a hastily scribbled thank you note, but I couldn't seem to control my own limbs, and the desire to escape overtook me.

I had never told him about Gerard, because I knew if I started talking about him, all the fragile walls I had built around my heart would crumble, and I didn't think I would survive the fall.

To make matters worse, I basically stole his beat up old Toyota; I explained in the note I had left where I was going if he wanted to get it back, but I still felt terrible. I just didn't feel up to walking all the way there though; I needed to see Gerard as soon as possible, and my fucked up mind convinced me that this was the only way.

A little over two hours later, I was driving down a familiar street just as the sun was beginning to crest over the horizon. Memories assaulted me from all sides, and it took everything I had to hold myself together and continue driving.

I turned on the radio to distract myself from thoughts of all the happy times I had spent here and how wrong everything had gone since then. The announcer was speaking about all the New Year's parties that had occurred last night, and I chucked at the irony.

I hadn't even realized it was January first, but for some reason I found it hilarious that I had ended up here at the beginning of the New Year.

I parked the car in front of Gerard's familiar house, but my feet seem glued to the floor, and my body refused to move.

This was it...I was actually here after eight years without seeing the man I loved. Now that our reunion was imminent, I wasn't sure I was ready for it. I had no idea what I would find when I walked inside, and the unknown was terrifying to me.

With shaking hands, I reached into my bag and pulled out a few pills to calm my nerves. Once the effects had begun to set in, I heaved my numb body out of the rusted car and forced myself to ring the doorbell before I second guessed myself.

A strange woman with reddish hair opened the door, and out of all the possibilities I had imagined, this wasn't one of them. I stood on her doorstep, gaping in shock, not even realizing what an idiot I looked like, and in hindsight - I'm surprised she didn't slam the door in my face and call the cops for good measure.

I must have been quite a sight in my torn up jeans and frayed hoodie, and I’m sure my blown out pupils along with the doped up expression on my face just screamed robber or something else just as terrible. Most robbers didn’t knock on doors though, so at least I had that going in my favor.

"Um...can I help you?" she asked warily.

"Uh..." My brain seemed to have disconnected from my mouth, and I couldn't form a coherent sentence.

"Are you okay?" Her worried tone snapped me back into reality, and I remembered how to speak again.

"I'm looking for the Way family?" I asked softly.

"Oh dear - I'm sorry, they moved away two years ago." And just like that, the last hope I had was shattered, and I was truly broken.

"Oh...sorry to bother you," I managed to choke out before running back to the car as fast as my feet could carry me.

I think she called out something after my hasty retreat, but I couldn’t hear anything over the dull pounding of my heart, which felt as if it was going to fail at any moment.

Gerard was gone...he had moved away, and now I would never be able to find him again. I should have thought of this...I mean - why would he still be living here after so long?

I was such a fucking idiot.

Without realizing what I was doing, I started the car and began to drive aimlessly. I just had to get away from this place that no longer contained the one thing that had kept me going.

What was I going to do now? I had to keep my promise to Gerard, but that was nearly impossible since I had no fucking clue as to his location. He could be anywhere, and I didn't have the strength to search the world for him.

The only thing keeping me from driving the car off a bridge right now was the fact that it was Bert's, and I didn't want to destroy it. I cared about this stupid piece of shit more than myself, and if that wasn't the definition of sad, then I didn’t know what was.

Tears blurred my vision, and I knew I shouldn't be behind the wheel in this state, but I couldn't seem to stop; because even though I wasn't physically running, in a way I was outdistancing everything, trying to use the car to leave the world in the dust before it had a chance to bury me.

I turned up the radio and rolled down the window, letting the brisk winter air dry my tears as they streaked down my cheeks in a never ending cascade of sorrow. I had no idea where I was, and it really didn't matter anyway did it?

Then the inevitable happened, and the screeching of metal reached my ears before I even noticed the car that I had hit by drifting too far into the other lane of the one way road I had been barreling down.

My head snapped forward and collided with the steering wheel, causing the horn to resound loudly throughout the otherwise silent street.

Pumping the brakes as hard as I could, I managed to stop before I did any more damage to the poor stranger’s Trans Am I had hit; from here it didn't look to bad...besides the busted headlight that is.

I attempted to get out of the car so I could begin apologizing and begging since I didn't have insurance, and there was no way I could pay for the damage on my own, but my head spun at the sudden movement, and I abruptly felt incredibly nauseous.

Grabbing my aching temples in my hands, I tried my best not to throw up all over myself, all thoughts of movement forgotten.

I didn't know what was wrong with me, I hadn't hit my head that hard, and I didn't have any other injuries.

Taking deep breaths, I tried to will the pain away, but it only intensified until my vision began to blur, and I was sucked down into encroaching darkness so fast, I didn’t even have a chance to utter a plea for help.


	24. You're someone you're not

**Gerard's POV**

I woke up in a slight panic, trying to remember how the hell I ended up sleeping on a foreign couch with three other people passed out in the nearby vicinity before it all came rushing back to me.

Somehow Mikey had convinced me to attend his New Year's Eve party, even though they weren't really my thing, mostly because I didn't drink anymore. He had bullied me into it, saying I was becoming a hermit lately, but it wasn’t my fault if watching him and Ray get wasted didn’t rate high on my list of exciting things to do.

With a tired grunt, I pulled out my phone to check the time; it was only seven in the morning, what the hell was I doing up so early?

Electing to leave instead of awkwardly hanging around a bunch of soon to be hung-over people that I honestly didn't know that well, I gathered up my keys and left Mikey a note - explaining that I had headed home.

I felt marginally bad for abandoning Mikey so early, but he knew I wasn't the most social of people, so he probably wouldn't be too surprised.

Wincing as the bright sunlight assaulted my eyes, I began the short walk to where I had parked my Trans Am.

I never really understood why everyone made such a big deal about New Year’s, to me it was just another day. Sure it was one more year that I had made it clean and sober, but besides that, there was nothing special about it.

I found my thoughts wandering to Frank; I wondered how his day was going, and if he had made a New Year's resolutions. I had actually let myself make one this year; I was going to find him, I didn’t know how, but he was the only missing piece that was required to make my life perfect.

I realized that so much had probably changed between us now, and I doubted he still loved me; he would have to be as crazy as I was for him to feel the same. Still - I needed to know where he was, and how life had been treating him since I last talked to him.

I had been lax in my search of him lately, instead focusing on getting my life together so he wouldn't come back to the wreck he had left behind. Now that I had accomplished that, the burning desire to be reunited with him had begun to take over my mind.

By this time, I had reached my car, which had been a Christmas present to myself. I began driving back to my apartment, enjoying the traffic free streets; everyone else was still trying to sleep off last night’s festivities.

My stomach grumbled with hunger, and I began racking my brain, trying to remember if I had any food in the fridge, or if I would need to stop at the grocery store on the way home.

Apparently my musings about food had distracted me from the road, so by the time I glanced up, it was too late to avoid the Toyota that had drifted into my lane.

Bracing myself for impact, I swerved as best as I could, but my poor car still got clipped by the clueless driver who didn't seem to notice me until the collision snapped him to his senses. Honking his horn, he pulled off sharply to the side of the road, and I quickly parked too, ready to chew out the asshole who had damaged my brand new car.

A hasty glance showed that the damage actually wasn't that bad, my headlight was busted, but the scrape could easily be buffed out. That did nothing to diminish my fury toward the probably drunk idiot that still hadn't gotten out his car, I guess I was lucky that he hadn't driven off though.

"Hey!" I waved my arms in front of the rolled down window, trying to get the guy's attention. When he didn't respond at all, I began to get worried, and I bent down so I could see inside the dirty interior.

"Oh fuck," I cursed when I realized the driver was passed out in the front seat, his dark shaggy hair obscuring his face.

I tried the door handle, and luckily it was unlocked, not that I couldn't have opened it through the window. I didn't see any blood or broken bones, so I wasn't one hundred percent sure what had caused the man to faint in the first place.

Most likely this guy was still wasted from last night, and if I called the cops, he would get arrested for drunk driving; even though I was pissed at him, I didn't really want that on his record.

"You okay?" I gently shook the stranger’s shoulder, causing his head to loll back, and I swear to god - my heart stopped beating, because I would recognize that face anywhere.

It was Frank...my Frankie.

The man I had been searching for had just hit my car, and I didn't know if I should cry, or laugh, or both.

He looked different, besides the obvious fact that he had aged: his face was unnaturally thin, causing his cheekbones to jut out strongly, actually his entire appearance was underfed and unkempt, which was such a change from the boy I had known.

"Frank! Frank wake up - it’s me!"

Still I received no response, and I began to panic. The crash hadn't been that big, he couldn't have passed out from that...could he? Not sure what else to do, I fished my phone out of my pocket and dialed 911.

"911 operator what is your emergency?" a friendly voice chimed out.

"Um - I just got in a car accident and my...the other driver is unconscious, and I don't know why. He didn't hit me that hard, but he won't wake up." I stammered out, tripping over my words when I had almost called Frank my boyfriend, because as much as I wanted him to be, he wasn't - not anymore.

"What is your location sir?" she asked in her annoyingly calm voice.

"We are at the intersection of Spring Peaks and Sable Valley," I rattled off the street names as quickly as I could.

"We are dispatching an officer and an ambulance to your location. Would you like me to stay on the line with you until they get there?"

"No - thank you." I hung up the phone and returned my full attention to Frank.

He still hadn't moved a muscle, and I was beginning to freak out. I felt for the pulse in his neck, and it was there; I mean - I obviously knew he was still alive, I could see the rise and fall of his chest, but the reassurance that I was holding the real, living, breathing Frank in my arms was a lot to take in. I had so many things I wanted to tell him, but those would have to wait until he woke up.

I just didn't understand how this had happened; if Frank had been in Belleville this whole time, why hadn't he tried to get in contact with me? Last I knew, he had been in California, but that was eight years ago.

I shifted myself into the car, pulling Frank's still body into my lap in the process. As I stroked his filthy hair back from his face, I wished with all my heart that he would wake up and explain everything to me.

He looked so frail and malnourished...the dark bags under his eyes spoke of little sleep, and it was obvious that he hadn't been taking care of himself. What could have reduced the happy boy I knew to such a state of disrepair?

The sound of sirens broke through my thoughts, and I disentangled myself from Frank so I could exit the car and flag down the ambulance - not that we would be hard to find, ours were the only two cars on the road at the moment.

Within a minute, the flashing red and blue lights became visible, and two cop cars and an ambulance came into view. Peeking back into the car to see if the noise had awoken Frank - which it hadn't, I shifted back and forth, just wanting to know what the hell was wrong with him.

"Sir - you called an ambulance?" One of the officers approached me, and I nodded so fast I thought my head might fall off my shoulders.

"He won't wake up...I don't know what's wrong - he barely hit me."

I gestured inside at Frank's unconscious body, and two EMT's went to work, placing his tiny form on a stretcher before wheeling him toward the open doors of the ambulance.

"Can I go with him?" I asked when my attempts to follow Frank were blocked by the burly officer.

"Do you know him sir?"

"Yeah...a long time ago I did."

"That's fine, but you will need to get someone to move your car. An officer can meet you at the hospital to take your statement," he rattled off in a bored voice.

"Okay - I'll phone my brother on the way," I called back over my shoulder as I chased after the retreating stretcher.

As soon as I was inside, the swing doors were pulled closed, and the ambulance was speeding down the deserted streets. I couldn't tear my gaze away from Frank's pale face, and I tried to block out the needle a dark haired EMT was currently shoving into his arm without losing my line of sight.

"What is your relation to the patient sir?" A man with reddish blonde hair asked me as he jotted down notes on a small clipboard.

"I used to be his boyfriend a long time ago," I settled for the truth, because I didn't know what else to say.

"Pupils unresponsive," the dark haired lady called out, and the man scribbled that down as well.

"Is he going to be okay?" I queried nervously, because I hadn't even let myself entertain the notion that Frank wouldn't be, he had to wake up so we could pick up where we left off all those years ago.

The EMT's ignored me, and I settled down onto the hard seat dejectedly.

"He's seizing!" the lady called out, and I shot forward so fast I had to contend with a serious case of vertigo.

Frank's limbs had begun flailing around like a squid’s, and terror gripped my lungs as I watched helplessly.

"Does he have any history of seizures sir, or any prior conditions that you know about?" the man with the clipboard demanded of me.

"No...I mean - I don't know. What's happening?"

But once again, I was shoved to the background as they struggled with Frank's convulsing body. I wondered if this was how Frank felt when he rode with me to the hospital after I had tried to kill myself.

Now that I was in his position, I felt the need to apologize all over again. I couldn’t believe that I had voluntarily put him through this kind of pain. I felt like my entire world was slipping through my fingers, and no matter how hard I tried to hold on to it, I ended up empty handed.

"We're here!" the driver called out, and the EMT's hurried Frank out the doors and into the gaping entrance to the hospital, leaving me behind, paralyzed with fear.

"Head up to the waiting room son, they will tell you when they know anything." The portly driver twisted around in his seat to reassure me, and I nodded numbly.

Somehow I managed to make it into the hospital without breaking down completely, even though my stomach felt like I had downed a shot of acid, and I was surprised I hadn't thrown up all over the nice waiting room.

I couldn't fathom what was happening...Frank could be dying for all I knew, and I couldn't do anything about it. In a daze, I wandered over to the front desk, needing to know what was going on.

"Name of the patient?" the lady behind the desk - whose name tag said Liz - asked while chewing on a piece of gum.

"Frank Iero...he was in a car wreck. They just brought him in a few minutes ago."

She scrolled through her computer screen for what seemed like ages, but was probably only thirty seconds.

"Nope - nothing yet, just sit over there and the doctor will let you know when anything changes."

She gestured in the direction of a row of uncomfortable looking chairs, only a few were occupied, and I stumbled over to the one as far away from the front desk as possible. Liz's nonchalant attitude had made me want to punch her in the face, I mean - I knew she dealt with situations like this every day, but this wasn’t just any patient - this was Frank Iero.

Deciding to call Mikey to move my car before the police towed it, I unlocked my phone and dialed his number with shaking hands.

"What the fuck do you want Gerard?" the irritated voice of my recently awoken brother crackled through my speakers.

"I need to ask for a favor."

"It's eight in the morning, if you aren't dying, then I am going to kill you," Mikey hissed.

"It's Frank," I rushed out before he could hang up on me.

"Dear god - not this again Gerard...when are you going to move on?" Mikey grumbled peevishly.

"No - that's just it, I found him. Well he kind of found me...I mean - he hit my car, and now he is in the hospital, which is where I am right now." I tried to explain the whole fucked up situation the best as I could since I still didn't really understand it.

"You're shitting me! Is he okay?" Mikey sounded wide awake now, much to my relief.

"I don't know actually...I am waiting to hear back from the doctor. I don't know what happened Mikey, he didn't even hit my car that hard, but he was unconscious when I found him, and then he started seizing up in the ambulance, and I have no clue if he's okay - or dying - or..."

"Shh Gerard - just breathe." Mikey tried to pull me out of the spiral I was rapidly descending down, and I choked in a lungful of air, when really I would rather be inhaling smoke, but I didn't want to leave for a cigarette in case something changed with Frank's condition.

"Do you need me to come get you?" Mikey asked kindly.

"No - that wasn't the favor, I need you to move my car actually. I left it a little ways down from your apartment on Sable Valley. I rode with Frank in the ambulance, and I'm scared the cops are going to tow it."

"Okay - I can do that, I think I have your spare keys around here somewhere." For once I was gratefully for my forgetful nature, which had inspired me to make Mikey a copy of my keys, since I had lost mine more than once.

"Thanks bro," I exhaled heavily.

"No problem. Call me when you find anything out. Ray and I will drop by later to bring you some food okay?"

"That would be nice. I'll keep in touch."

I ended the call reluctantly, talking to Mikey had distracted me from driving myself crazy worrying about Frank. Luckily, a second distraction walked in the door in the form of the bulky police officer from earlier.

"You are the guy from the car wreck right?" he asked gruffly, and I nodded in response.

"Yeah that's me, Gerard Way," I offered helpfully.

"I just need your statement, then I will leave you be for now."

"Um okay...well I was driving home and Frank - the other driver - hit me, he kinda just swerved into my lane a little, and I wasn't paying enough attention, so I didn't notice. We both pulled over, and I found him unconscious, and that's about it."

"Have you had any alcohol today?" the officer asked.

"No - I don't drink," I responded truthfully.

"And how do you know the other driver?" he continued with his relentless questions, and I had to stifle a sigh of irritation.

"He was my boyfriend back in high school, I haven't seen him for years though."

"Do you know his last name?"

"Iero." I made sure to emphasize the pronunciation, since so many people seemed to fuck it up.

"Is he involved in dealing in any way?"

"What do you mean...like drugs?" I gaped like an idiot, because the idea of Frank and drugs had never crossed my mind.

"Yes...so I assume you don't know." This man was seriously pissing me off, and if he wasn't a cop, I might have punched him in the face.

"No - Frank would never do that." At least...I hoped he wouldn't.

"Well - we found a large amount of illegal substances in his backpack. We will be taking his possessions into custody at this time. He did not have insurance, so it looks like you will have to make the claim through yours if you have it."

"Yeah...yeah I do," I stumbled over my words awkwardly, unable to get over the idea that Frank was involved in something to do with drugs.

"Well here is my card, call me if you need anything."

I took the slim piece of paper mechanically, simply nodding to the officer in response. I didn’t think he realized how much he had shaken the fragile foundations of my world, but I assumed it wasn't in his job to care.

This had to be a mistake...Frank wouldn't do drugs. Maybe it was someone else's backpack in the car, and he didn't know they were in there, but the more I thought about it, I began to realize that I didn't know anything about Frank anymore.

Maybe this Frank does do drugs, and as much as I despised that fact, it didn't lessen my love for him in any way whatsoever. Deep inside, he was still the boy who had found something to love in the worthless shell I used to be, and nothing could change the bond I had with him.

Whatever hell he had gotten himself into, I promised that I would help pull him out, no matter how long it took. I had waited eight years for him to be a part of my life again, and I wasn't letting him go - now he just needed to hang on for me.


	25. I'll be here waiting

I'm not sure how I managed it with how worried I was about Frank, but I guess the lack of coffee and the early morning had been too much for me, and I ended up dozing off in the waiting room.

I jolted awake right before I fell out of the uncomfortable chair, and for the second time that day, I forgot where I was for a few brief moments, but my ignorance didn't last long, and I jumped to my feet, determined to find out what was happening with Frank.

The clock on the wall said 9:55am; I had been here for almost two hours, so someone had to know something by now.

As I approached the desk, I tried to put on what I hoped passed for a smile, but in reality it probably looked more like a grimace. Liz was still manning the computer, but she had gotten rid of the gum - thank god.

"Has there been any change with Frank Iero?" I asked her warily.

Even though I was desperate to know what had happened, I was terrified of what news I was going to receive; worst case scenarios were plaguing my brain, and I tried my hardest to shut them out and focus on her answer.

"Hmm...yeah - okay he is in surgery right now for a brain hemorrhage. Once the doctor is done, he will come out and speak with you, but until then you will just have to sit tight okay?" She rattled off the information like it was no big deal, while I was over here struggling to breathe.

"A brain hemorrhage? Isn't that like a fucking huge procedure?!" I was in full on panic mode now, and I couldn't be bothered to watch my language, even though there were children in the nearby vicinity.

"It is a dangerous condition, but with immediate surgery, the patient can heal with no long term side effects," Liz sighed, and if I was her boss, I would have fired her for being such a bitch, but unfortunately I wasn't, so there was nothing I could do about it.

"They will tell me if anything happens right?" I demanded a bit too pretentiously, but I was pissed and scared, so my bad manners were nothing compared to hers, at least that was how I rationalized it.

"Yes sir they will - like I said before." She began playing with her hair, and I stormed away before I lost my temper completely. Throwing myself back into my chair in a manner similar to a petulant child, I pulled out my phone to text Mikey.

 **To Mikes:** Apparently Frank has a brain hemorrhage...he is in surgery right now.

Mikey's reply was almost instant, apparently he hadn't fallen back asleep after our early conversation.

 **From Mikes:** Fuck man isn't that serious? How did that happen?

 **To Mikes:** Idk...I honestly have no clue what that means for him. I'm gonna Web MD it right now. You and Ray still dropping by later?

 **From Mikes:** Yeah bro we are just trying to kick everyone out of the apartment and then we'll be heading over soon. Did you call mom?"

 **To Mikes:** No not yet...I will do that when I know more. I don't want to get her hopes up and then have something terrible happen.

My mom had been devastated for me when Frank and I had lost contact. I learned later that while I was in the hospital, she had suspicions about his abusive situation at home, and she was furious at his mother's way of dealing with the problem.

She had even helped me search for him later, saying that she wanted to make sure he was okay as much as I did. I really did want to tell her that I had found him again, but there was so much I didn't know, and it was in her nature to bombard me with questions that I couldn't answer right now.

I wished she still lived around the corner so I could ask her to come over and wait with me, but once Mikey and I had moved out, she had gone to stay with Grandma Elena, saying that the house felt empty without us there, and Grandma could use the company. I missed her, but we still kept in constant contact.

My phone buzzed again, cutting off my thoughts of my mother.

 **From Mikes:** Okay whatever you think is best. Hang in there…we will be there soon.

I exited out of my text messages and pulled up my browser so I could search information on brain hemorrhages. I wasn't very knowledgeable when it came to anything medical; my unexplained fear of hospitals had kept my curious mind away from the subject, but now I had no choice but to find out more than I probably wanted to.

I clicked on WebMD, because of course that was the first link that popped up, and I braced myself for what I was about to learn.

 _"A brain hemorrhage is a type of stroke. It's caused by an artery in the brain bursting and causing localized bleeding in the surrounding tissues. This bleeding kills brain cells,"_ the article opened up with, and I was already freaking out.

Killing brain cells...just what I needed to calm myself down. Against my better judgment, I kept reading, only so I could understand what was happening with Frank.

_There are several risk factors and causes of brain hemorrhages. The most common include:_

_-Head trauma. Injury is the most common cause of bleeding in the brain for those younger than age 50._

_-High blood pressure. This chronic condition can, over a long period of time, weaken blood vessel walls. Untreated high blood pressure is a major preventable cause of brain hemorrhages._

_-Aneurysm. This is a weakening in a blood vessel wall that swells. It can burst and bleed into the brain, leading to a stroke._

_-Blood vessel abnormalities. (Arteriovenous malformations) Weaknesses in the blood vessels in and around the brain may be present at birth and diagnosed only if symptoms develop._

There was more, but I stopped reading them, because it was obvious now what had happened to Frank, and I couldn’t believe I hadn't picked up on it sooner.

He most likely didn't have high blood pressure, and the odds of him having an aneurysm were pretty low. The only sensible explanation was all the beatings he had received from his stepfather had managed to cause enough harm to permanently damage Frank's brain.

I literally began to see red, that fucker had put Frank's life in danger too many times, and I swore if I ever saw him again, he was going to pay. It just wasn't fair that he could continue to affect Frank's life years after the initial beatings were done.

I kept scanning the article, trying to tamper down my murderous thoughts aimed toward his stepdad, because he wasn't here, and they weren't helping anyone in this situation.

_"Treatment for bleeding in the brain depends on the location, cause, and extent of the hemorrhage. Surgery may be needed to alleviate swelling and prevent bleeding. Certain medications may also be prescribed. These include painkillers, corticosteroids, or diuretics to reduce swelling, and anticonvulsants to control seizures."_

The more I read, the more worried I became; this was why I never researched anything to do with diseases, it always made me more paranoid. This could fuck Frank up for life, if he even recovered that is.

I couldn't handle the information my brain was trying to process right now, so as much as I didn't want to leave, I found myself rushing outside, desperate for fresh air and a cigarette.

Once I had successfully lit the cancer stick and taken a drag into my lungs, I calmed down almost immediately. I hoped Mikey showed up soon, because I didn't know how much longer I could stay here alone with only my dark thoughts to keep me company.

The shock of finding Frank after all these years was tremendous, and now piling all of this with the drugs and the brain hemorrhage stuff on top of it, I felt like I was being crushed by the weight of everything.

Why couldn't something just go right for once, I mean - Frank and I deserved that right?

It seems like from day one we were cursed to have a tragic end, but I refused to accept that inevitability. I had gotten better, and Frank could too, he just had to.

I wanted to live happily ever after with him, I wanted to wake up every morning to his beautiful face and kiss him again like I dreamed of doing.

I know I was getting ahead of myself, I mean - it was still up in the air if Frank would even survive, much less still harbor any feelings for me, but if I was going to make it through the next few hours, I had to think positively.

I mean - he had come to Jersey, and as far as I knew, he hadn't been here before. Why else would he have done that…unless he was looking for me?

So it's wasn't too crazy to imagine that Frank came searching for me, I have been looking for him for eight years, so it's possible that he could have been doing the same thing.

I just wanted him to wake up so badly so I could finally get an answer to all of these what ifs that were swirling around in my head.

I finished my cigarette and headed back inside, determined to stay calm and composed for Frank's sake. In just a little while, he would wake up, and we would work everything out, I wouldn't let myself entertain any other option.

All those therapy sessions were helping me deal with the sick side of my brain that continuously tried to bring me down, and now that I was thinking clearly, I refused to let myself spiral into a pathetic mess of a person, that wouldn't help Frank at all, and he needed me right now.

Determined to stay strong until I received more news, I got as comfortable as possible, which honestly wasn’t much - these chairs were borderline torture devices - and waited for Mikey and Ray to arrive. Their presence would make the passing of time more bearable, but until then, I just had to keep myself distracted.

I didn’t have my sketchbook on me, so drawing wasn’t an option, instead I reverted to my second favorite past time and began writing a song down in the notes app on my phone. I would sing it to Frank when he woke up…he would like that.


	26. I surrender every dream

Mikey and Ray actually showed up earlier than I had expected, which made the agonizing wait much more bearable now that I was no longer alone. They had brought with them breakfast from McDonald's, and my empty stomach was quickly filled by the fatty food.

We passed the time by reminiscing about old times with Frank, filling Ray in on the majority of it, because back then he and Mikey had just started hanging out, so he was unaware of most of the situation.

We avoided the uncomfortable topics involving if he was going to pull through and the drugs he had been carrying on him, and I was immensely grateful to them for not bringing it up.

I needed to be distracted right now, and thinking back on the happy memories I had shared with Frank was definitely working. It gave me hope that maybe one day soon I would be able to add to my bank of special moments with him.

"Gerard Way?"

Finally my name was called out by the new lady manning the desk, Liz was nowhere to be seen, much to my relief.

"That's me," I hurried over, eager for any new of Frank.

"Frank Iero has just gotten out of surgery, they are transferring him to his room right now, so you will be able to see him soon. His doctor will be out here momentarily to discuss how the procedure went with you."

I released the pent up breath I had been holding during the entire conversation as her words sunk in. Frank had made it, and even though I know it was still possible for something to go wrong, I was convinced that he was strong enough to make it through this.

"Thank you so much Marci," I thanked the new receptionist by the name plastered to her shirt, since she had been much more courteous than Liz.

I returned to my seat, relaying the news to Mikey and Ray, who both beamed in excitement. It meant the world to me that I had my brother's support in this, it would be so much more difficult to bear without his understanding presence.

A few minutes later, I had to stifle a chuckle when I spotted a familiar eyeliner wearing doctor striding toward me.

"Well if this isn't just like old times!" Doctor Wentz joked when he came within earshot.

After I had been released from Laurel Hills, Pete and I had actually become something resembling friends, since his boyfriend had become my therapist, we had stayed in contact and we hung out every now and again. I knew he worked at this hospital, but I hadn’t expected him to be the one performing the surgery on Frank.

"They should have told me you were treating him Pete, then I wouldn't have been half as worried!" I exclaimed before pulling my friend into a hug, which he eagerly returned.

"I actually was just about to leave when they brought him in. I heard his name, and since you never shut up about him, I demanded to be the one to do the surgery. It helped that I already knew what caused it too."

"It was from his stepdad wasn't it? All those beatings fucked with his head?" I asked, curious to see if my guess had been correct.

"Yep you hit the nail right on the head…oooh - maybe not the best choice of words there, but you get my point. The last time he was in here, I discovered the bleeding on his brain, but it was minor at the time. I told him to be careful of it, but car wrecks aren't exactly something you can predict." Pete shook his head sadly. 

"So - is he going to be okay?" I needed to hear it from his mouth before I believed it absolutely.

"Yeah - he should pull through just fine. I managed to reduce the swelling, and I will put him on medication to keep it down when he wakes up. He might have a few small seizures until it heals entirely, and there is a chance he might suffer some slight memory loss, but luckily you got him here just in time before any further damage happened. If you want to come wait in my office until he can receive visitors, I'm totally cool with that. The chairs are much comfier in there."

Relief flooded my body at the positive news, and I finally relaxed for the first time all day.

"I could kiss you right now Pete - I swear. Thank you so much for staying to help him," I gushed happily as he led the way to his own personal office.

I waved to Mikey and Ray, who had motioned to me that they were going to stay behind for now, probably to get more food from the cafeteria, or go suck face, or something.

"Whoa back up lover boy, these lips belong to Patrick. But seriously - it was no problem, I mean - this is the elusive Frank Iero we are talking about. I couldn't take the risk that some newbie would fuck up his procedure."

Pete was a cocky little shit, but it was understandable, he was the youngest surgeon in Jersey, and probably one of the best too, so he sort of deserved to have a big head.

"Thank you again Pete…for saving him. It means a lot to me."

We had reached the wooden door embossed with his name on it by now, and he pushed it open, revealing a large desk and quite a few chairs, along with some filing cabinets lining the walls.

"It's kind of in my job description, but seriously though - how did you find him? Last I heard, you still hadn't discovered any trace of your mysterious boyfriend." Pete made himself comfortable in the cushy chair behind his desk while I settled into the one facing across from him.

"Well there isn't much to tell...I have no clue what he is doing here honestly. I was at just leaving Mikey's place when he hit my car, and I basically had a heart attack when I realized it was him. He was unconscious when I found him, so I didn't get to talk to him at all..."

"Fuck man - that's like destiny or some shit."

I laughed out loud at Pete's language now that we were behind closed doors, how he ever managed to appear professional all day eluded me.

"I know...I can still barely believe it. I am so ecstatic, but at the same time I'm terrified. He's not the boy I knew all those years ago, and I don't know what is between us still - if anything." I voiced my inner fears to my friend, knowing he couldn't help, but it felt good to get them off my chest.

"I'm sure he still feels something for you, I mean - what other reason would he have to be in Jersey besides you? Once people leave here, they usually don't come back." Pete smirked, and I had to admit he was right.

"I was sort of thinking the same thing, but I didn't want to get my hopes up," I confessed with a soft smile.

"There is one other thing you should know though. His tox screen was off the charts Gerard. I mean - name basically any drug you can think of, and it was probably in his system, besides cocaine that is. I don't know what shit he has gotten himself into, but I'm more worried about his addictions right now than the brain hemorrhage." Pete looked guilty, as if the test results were somehow his fault, but thanks to the officer's information earlier, I had already known about this.

"Yeah - the cop that met us at the crash told me he was carrying...I was just praying that it was for someone else, or he didn't know it was in the car or something. What does this mean for him?" I could hear the fear in my voice, but let's face it - I didn't know anything about drug addiction and its side effects except that they were all bad.

"Well - all legal ramifications aside, withdrawal symptoms are a bitch, and if he wants to get clean, it's going to be a long hard road. If he doesn't - then well...he probably isn't going to live past thirty at the rate he is going. I just thought you should know." Pete gave me a compassionate look, and I tried my best to smile at him, but it was really more of just a twitch of the lips. That was the best I could muster up at this moment.

"Thanks Pete. I know this won't be easy, but if he wants me to, I will help him through this."

I would do anything for Frank, he helped me get clean from all of my past addictions, and I knew I could do the same for him.

"It will be a difficult, but having someone like you there will be a big help," Pete reassured me while unbuttoning his white coat and throwing it over the back of his chair.

"I hope so..." I mumbled softly, unsure if Pete could even hear me.

"Don't lose faith in the little dude now, he has been through a lot, but so did you, and look at you know." Well I guess he did hear me after all then.

"Yeah - you are right. I'm not giving up on him, not now, not ever."

"That's the spirit! Well I am sure he is settled into his room by now. He is probably still knocked out because of the meds, but you can go sit with him if you want. I need to go soon, I promised Patrick I would be home for lunch with his parents." Pete grimaced, and I couldn't help but laugh at his obvious distaste of the situation.

“Well that sounds like an exciting afternoon,” I teased him.

“Shut up…just wait until you and Frank hook up again, and he is dragging you to painful events against your will. I will never let you hear the end of it,” Pete fired back as we walked out of his office. 

“I am looking forward to it.”

We stopped in front of a door marked Room #156, and my breath caught in my throat. This was it…Frank was inside there, after all these years, my struggle to find him was over.

“Well - here we are. Visiting hours are until ten, and I’ll be back to check on him tomorrow. For now, Doctor Leto is monitoring him, so he is in good hands. Call me if he wakes up though.”

“You will be the first to know. You are the best Pete, seriously.” I was so grateful for everything he had done, and I couldn’t think of any words sufficient enough to truly thank him.

“I know, and don’t worry, I will tell Mikey and Ray where you are on the way out.” Pete waved before retreating back down the hallway, leaving me alone in front of the door to Frank’s room.

I was so nervous to go in there, even though he was still asleep, and I wouldn’t be able to talk to him for some time. Just the fact that he was really truly here still felt like a dream, and I was terrified that I would wake up at any moment and find myself back in Mikey’s apartment.

Before I could freak myself out any further, I shoved the door open quickly and entered the room, the sound of the heart monitor greeted me, bringing back old memories of my own stay in the hospital all those years ago.

And there in the bed was Frank - he wasn’t a dream or a hallucination I had created out of loneliness, and it wasn’t until now that I realized how worried I was that maybe I was mistaken; maybe I had just wanted to see Frank so badly, I had projected him onto the stranger who had hit me.

But no - this was him, I knew it without a doubt. He looked different sure, but the familiar facial features were all there, accompanied by the small scar on his hairline from where his stepdad had hit him with a beer bottle for the first time.

I delicately perched on the chair next to his beside, afraid to move too quickly just in case I shattered this moment, my first real encounter with him in over eight years. My eyes drank him in like a man dying of thirst, and I absorbed every minute detail of his changed appearance.

His hair had grown out, curling slightly at the edges, and I could tell it had been some time since he had maintained it. The dyed black locks were slightly faded, and I could see his natural brown hair peeking through the roots.

My original observation of him was even more apparent now that he was laid out on the stark white bed, he was almost dangerously underweight, and his skin had a sallow tone that worried me more than I wanted to admit, even to myself.

I realized this was probably because of the drugs, and I made a mental vow to him to help him get clean, because I couldn’t lose him to something like this now, and I didn’t want to watch Frank destroy himself.

Maybe the biggest change was the tattoos adorning his body, his arms and hands were covered with them, which made me curious if he had any more hidden beneath the hospital gown. The scorpion on his neck was my favorite of the ones I could see, it just seemed to suit him for some reason, and I ran my thumb over it gently.

He didn’t react at all, but I hadn’t expected him too; I didn’t know how long he would sleep, but I knew the drugs they used to knock you out for surgery took a long time to wear off.

I wasn’t leaving until he awoke though, visiting hours be damned. I wanted to be the first thing he saw when he opened his eyes, because if I wasn’t there, then he would be left alone and maybe afraid in a strange hospital with no one to comfort him, and I refused to let that happen.

I just prayed that he recognized me, and most of all - that deep down somewhere in his heart, he still harbored feelings for me. I knew it was unrealistic, but I cared too much for him to hide my emotions for long, and if he didn’t return them, I didn’t know how I would react.

I would always be there for Frank, whether he need a friend or a boyfriend or just a helping hand, but I didn’t know how long I could suppress my love for him, and I was terrified that he wouldn’t be able to return the sentiment.

But none of that mattered right now, because Frank was here, and he was alive, and the fact that I had found him really was like destiny had intervened in our lives. Maybe this one time, things would go in our favor, and we would have one of those storybook endings that I always adored.


	27. So dream on

Hours passed, and still Frank slept soundly; both Pete and Dr. Leto had assured me that this was perfectly normal, his body was malnourished, so it would take longer for him to recover than a healthier person, but I was still scared.

Mikey and Ray had retired earlier on, demanding that I spend the night at their place because they didn't want me alone right now, and honestly I didn't blame them. I finally caved, even though I didn't want to intrude, I knew they were just worried about me, and I didn't mind the company.

It was nearing nine in the evening now, and I was starting to succumb to sleep, leaning my heavy head against Frank's bed wearily. I didn't want to give up and leave, I still had an hour left before visitors would be forced to vacate the hospital, and I planned to use up every minute of it.

Still - keeping my eyes open was so hard, it felt like someone had tied weights on my eyelids while I wasn't looking. Reluctantly I let them close, I wouldn't fall asleep, I would just rest my eyes for a minute; what I really needed was another coffee, but I didn't want to leave Frank's room right now just in case he woke up.

I was just beginning to drift off when a hoarse cry snapped my head up, shocking me awake instantly.

My eyes shot to Frank's slumbering form; his posture had changed drastically in the span of a few seconds, instead of the relaxed state of sleep he had been in all night, his entire body had tensed up, and small cries slipped past his lips. 

I didn't know what was wrong, but he appeared to be in pain, so I kneeled next to him and gathered him into my arms protectively.

"Shh Frankie - it's okay..." I whispered, but he gave no sign that he heard me.

Sleep was still wrapped around him, and I didn't want to wake him harshly in case I frightened him.

"Please no..." he whimpered so softly I barely made out the words.

If I had to guess, I would say he was having a nightmare, a terrible one from the looks of it, and I knew it only made it worse to be snapped out of those violently. Not knowing what else to do, I hugged him tighter, stroking his sweaty hair away from his gorgeous face.

"Frank - please wake up. It's okay…you are safe now," I pleaded when he began to shake life a leaf in my arms.

With a strangled gasp, his eyes flew open, and I was met with an expression of sheer panic.

"No!" Frank screamed at the top of his lungs while shoving me away from him feebly.

Shocked, I retreated back to my abandoned chair by his bedside, attempting to hold back tears. Out of all the reactions I had prepared myself for when Frank awoke, this wasn't one of them. I shouldn't have gotten in the bed with him, that was too forward, even if I hadn't meant it that way at all.

"I'm sorry..." I choked out, but Frank wasn't listening.

His eyes were darting around the room frantically, his chest rising and falling rapidly as if there wasn't enough air in the room.

"Fuck...where I am?" Frank groaned, dropping his head into his hands, which were shaking erratically.

"You are in the hospital Frank," I spoke delicately, not sure how to treat this new Frank that didn't seem to want me around.

"Wait...I know that voice...Gerard?"

His voice was hopeful and terrified all at the same time, and I realized he hadn't been fully awake until just now. As I watched, the last remnants of the dream slipped away from him, and he raised his head, piercing me with a searching gaze.

"Yeah Frankie, it's me."

"Am I still dreaming?" Frank sounded so scared that I ached to hold him again, but I didn't dare.

“No you aren’t, it’s really me.”

And then Frank collapsed into sobs, and I couldn't resist cuddling up against his side and holding him gently. I could never just sit and watch Frank cry, it hurt me so much to know he was sad, and sitting there doing nothing was torture.

I didn't say a word, somehow knowing that Frank needed to let this out - whatever this was. Eventually his sobs quieted, and much to my relief, he snuggled closer into my side.

"It's going to be okay Frankie," I promised when his red rimmed eyes met mine.

"You are real...and you aren't going to disappear or leave me are you?" Frank asked warily.

"If I had my way, I would never let you out of sight again," I chuckled, trying to make a joke out of it, even though it wasn't that far off from the truth.

"Fuck Gerard - I'm so sorry I pushed you away, I didn't know it was you, and I was dreaming…I didn't mean it. I have been alone for so long, and everything is so fucked up, and I'm fucked up, and I'm so scared." Tears were forming in his eyes again, and I hurriedly wiped them away.

"It's okay Frank, you don't have to talk about it right now. I've got you, you're safe."

I felt his body relax in my embrace and I began to hum soothingly, remembering how much that used to calm him down. Apparently it still worked, because it wasn't long before he was slumbering peacefully again, resting his head on my chest.

My thoughts were a whirlwind of confusion, elation, contentment, and worry.

Holding Frank in my arms again was better than any memory could convey, and I had missed this more than I realized, but the bliss of our reunion was overshadowed by whatever demons Frank was carrying with him, and I was desperate to know what had shaken him so badly, but at the same time I knew I couldn't press him.

This Frank was fragile, one more push and he might shatter completely, and I refused to be the one to break him.

"Gerard?" Dr. Leto poked his head into the room, invading my private time with Frank. When I glanced at the clock, I saw that it was already ten o' clock, which meant that our time together was up for tonight.

"Do I have to leave?" I whined like a two year old, but I didn't care about my dignity right now, I just wanted to stay with Frank.

"I'm sorry, but yes. I wish I could let you stay, but my shift is almost over, and if Doctor Shultz catches you, she would skin me alive," Dr. Leto chuckled.

"Okay...just let me leave him a note really quick so he doesn't think I deserted him."

Hastily I scribbled an explanation of where I had gone and that I would be back in the morning on the notepad next to Frank's bed, turning it toward him so it would be the first thing he saw when he woke up. Pressing one last kiss to his forehead, I followed Dr. Leto out of the room silently.

"So I take it he woke up for a bit?" he asked once the door had closed behind us.

"Yeah - only for a few minutes though. He was having a nightmare, and he was really out of it. He didn't even recognize me at first," I sighed out.

"Well that's not uncommon, everyone reacts to the anesthesia differently, so I wouldn't worry about it," he reassured me.

"I know...I just worry about everything when it comes to him." I tried to laugh at myself, but it came out as more of a choking sound.

"He will be okay Gerard, he's in good hands," Dr. Leto clasped me on the shoulder in a caring gesture.

"Thanks. I'll be back tomorrow okay?"

"Try and get some sleep first," he chided before we parted ways at the entrance to the hospital.

He was right, I needed sleep; I was so tired I probably couldn't have driven, so I guess it was a good thing that I didn't have a car at the moment.

I hailed a cab which took me to Mikey's apartment instead, spending the short ride dozing off and reliving the way it had felt to hold Frank again after all these years; even if it had been purely platonic, it had still been amazing.

I missed him already, and we had only been separated for a few minutes, but after everything that had happened to us - can you blame me? I was antsy being parted from him, if anything happened to him while I was away, I would never forgive myself.

It didn't matter that my presence wouldn't help at all if his condition worsened, but I had promised him I wouldn’t leave him. What if he took this as me breaking my word to him?

By the time I reached Mikey's front door, I had wound myself up so tightly I was about to snap. I needed to be back at Frank's side, and it was killing me that I had left him without a physical goodbye. The note didn't seem good enough anymore, and I regretted not waking him, but it was too late to redo anything now.

Deep down, I realized I was overreacting, but I couldn't calm myself down; I felt like I had already made a giant mistake in winning back Frank's trust, and it hurt like a physical wound.

I hadn't even noticed Mikey opening the door until his skinny arms wrapped around my shoulders and pulled me into a comforting hug. He always seemed to know just what I needed, and right now that was someone to take care of me while I had a mini meltdown.

He didn't ask me any question, even though I was sure they would come later; he simply led me inside and laid me down on the couch, watching over me as I proceeded to bawl my eyes out.


	28. We'll carry on

I awoke with a much more positive attitude; after I had cried myself out last night, Mikey and I had stayed up until three in the morning, talking about everything from my insecurities to what I hoped would happen now that I had Frank back in my life.

Even though I had barely slept, I felt refreshed and invigorated, but most of all I just wanted to return to Frank's side.

Mikey made me eat a decent breakfast before he finally gave in and drove me to the hospital, for some reason he wouldn't let me drive myself, even though my car was at his house and it still worked perfectly fine, but I was too eager to waste time arguing with him.

I was basically bouncing with excitement by the time he pulled up in front of the hospital entrance. I just couldn't contain all my nervous energy, so even though I probably looked like a five year old, I didn’t even attempt to stop my erratic movements.

"Bye bro, I'll pick you up after I get off okay? Call me if anything changes," Mikey reminded me.

"Of course I will, now get out here before you are late to work." I shooed him away with a laugh before heading inside, practically running to the floor Frank was staying on, with only a brief stop to sign in at the reception desk.

When I entered the room, Frank's eyes were closed, but they opened a crack when I stepped up to his beside.

I couldn't resist the broad grin that spread across my face, just being around Frank made me happier than I had been in years; not that I had been unhappy before, but he enhanced everything simply by existing.

"Hey Frank," I greeted him shyly, unsure how long he had been awake, and if he had noticed my absence or not.

"I missed you," Frank admitted, and I swear - my heart almost burst at those words.

"I'm sorry I left; I know I said I wouldn't, but visiting hours were over, and they wouldn't let me stay. Did you see my note?" My words came out shaky and fast, I didn’t know why I was nervous; Frank obviously wasn't mad at me, but that didn't erase my fear.

"Yeah I did. I'm just glad you came back, I was kind of worried that you wouldn't."

"I promised you Frank, I am not leaving you ever again okay? Not unless you ask me too."

I sank down in the chair placed by the bed, my hand itched to clasp his own, but I kept them firmly twisted in my lap.

"I know it's just...fuck - this is so weird isn't it?" Frank changed whatever he had been going to stay mid-sentence, and I didn't press him on it, even though I was insanely curious.

"Yeah it is, kinda like a dream huh?" I chuckled to myself.

"More like the best fucking dream ever."

We sat in silence for a few moments, just enjoying being in each other's presence for the time being. Finally I broke the quiet atmosphere, even though I was wary of doing it, I had a lot of questions that were bouncing around in my brain, and I was desperate for answers.

"Frank...can I ask what happened? After you moved - I mean?" I tried to fake an air of nonchalance, but my hands were shaking so badly, I had to sit on them to hide it.

"Well um...did you ever get my voicemail?" Frank drew his words out slowly, and I simply nodded in response.

"So you know I moved out of my aunt’s house, well after that - my mom took my phone away when she caught me calling you, she didn't give it back for ages either. So I could only call you from other people's phones I managed to borrow, but I couldn't remember Laurel Hills number, and I didn't write it down like an idiot. So I called your cell a lot, probably once a week for months, but you never answered. I kind of just assumed that you had moved on…so I stopped, I didn't want to hold you back from happiness." Frank refused to meet my eyes, and I could tell he was choking back tears.

"Hey don't cry..." I touched his shoulder softly, causing him to flinch slightly before he turned his body into me, seeking comfort - which I readily gave him.

"I'm sorry - it's just…I haven't talked about you in years, I haven't even allowed myself to think of you, because it hurts - it still fucking hurts so much, and I just buried it all away and pretended I was fine. Now you are here, and I still can't believe this is real, I mean - fuck - am I dead, because this must be Heaven, but it can't be…because I still hurt, and I am so fucked up now, and I don't even know what to do, or what we are, or why you are here, and I just...I can't..."

Frank began full out sobbing at this point, and it broke my heart in two. I wrapped my arms around his small frame and began rocking him back and forth gently, stroking his hair as he continued to cry against my chest.

"Fuck - I don't know what's wrong with me, I have cried more in the past two days than I have for years," he tried to laugh at himself, but it came out as more of a hiccup.

"It's okay to cry Frankie, I don't know what you have been through, but I'm sure it hasn't been easy," I assured him.

"Frankie, I loved when you used to call me that," he smiled to himself.

"And I loved when you called me Gee."

"So…will you tell me what happened with you, why you never answered my calls?"

Frank gazed at me with a guarded expression, and I was more than ready to explain to him what had transpired on my end of things.

"Frank - I never intentionally ignored you, I never moved on and decided to cut you out. They kept me in Laurel Hills for much longer than I originally thought, six months in fact. I kind of had a breakdown after you stopped calling, and it set me back quite a bit in the recovery process. So yeah...I didn't have my phone on me the whole time, it was just kept in a lock up somewhere. When I got out, I saw your calls and messages, but your phone was disconnected, and I couldn't get in contact with you. I even called your aunt, but she wasn't sure where you had gone either. I never stopped looking for you Frankie - I promise. It was just so impossible, I didn't know what else to do, and nothing was giving me any results. I even made my New Year’s resolution..." I cut myself off before I could go any further, I didn't want to embarrass myself or make Frank uncomfortable.

"What was your New Year’s Resolution? Please tell me?"

Fuck - I couldn't deny him anything when he looked at me with those puppy dog eyes.

"It was to find you...I swore that this year, I wouldn't rest until I at least made sure you were happy."

I kept my gaze trained on my hands, too scared to meet his eyes in case I saw rejection in them.

"I came to find you too, for the same reason actually," Frank chuckled softly.

"Well here I am."

"I thought I had missed my chance, I went to your house, and when I found out you didn't live there anymore, I almost lost it."

Frank's eyes were filling with tears again, and I pulled him even tighter against my chest.

"I'm not making you uncomfortable am I?" I whispered softly.

As much as I loved holding Frank in my arms, I didn't want to push him too fast if he wasn't ready. I still had no idea if he had retained any feelings for me at all, and I was too scared to voice the question.

"Not at all." Frank snuggled deeper into my hold as if to prove his words.

"So when are they letting you out of here?" I asked quietly.

"Sometime today, as long as all of my test results come back okay," Frank mumbled, his voice muffled in my shirt.

"Well...um...I don't know if you have a place to stay, because if you do then just ignore me, but you can stay with me if you want to."

Oh god - I sounded like a teenager asking someone out to the prom with how badly my voice was shaking.

"I would love that Gerard...but..."

"No it's okay, I'm sorry - I just thought I would offer, please don't feel like you have to."

I kept talking so I wouldn't have to hear Frank say no, I just didn't think my fragile heart could take that.

"Gerard - will you shut up for two seconds. I'm not saying no, I'm just trying to explain something to you." Frank rolled his eyes at me, and I clamped my mouth shut.

"I want to stay with you - I do, but there is a few things you should probably know about my...uh...situation first."

"You can tell me anything Frank." I tightened my hold on him when he remained silent for over a minute.

"I...um...I'm kind of homeless right now. I was living in New York with my mom, but I have been crashing with my friend for the past few months. I might have stolen his car to get here, so he probably wouldn't take me back, but I don't want to go to New York anyway. So if I stay with you, it might be for a little while, at least until I can find a job and stuff." Frank's cheeks blazed red with embarrassment, and I couldn't help but think how cute he looked like this.

"Frank - my house is your house for as long as you need it, well apartment actually, but you get the idea."

"Thank you, seriously - I don't deserve this Gerard." Frank threw his arms around me in a crushing embrace.

"Yes you do Frank, you deserve the world," I whispered so softly that there was no way he could have heard me.

"There are a few more things you should probably know if I am going to be staying with you, just so you don't freak out." Frank was worrying his lip between his teeth now, and he seemed incapable of continuing.

"Is it about the drugs Frankie?" I asked in a hushed voice.

"You know about that?" A shocked expression flashed across his face before he turned away from me.

"Yeah...the cop who came to the scene of the accident found them in your car. It's okay Frank, I won't judge you, I just don't understand why you would turn to them." I waited with bated breath, desperately hoping that he would open up to me.

"I wanted to forget...to feel happy for just a little while. I never meant to get in so deep, I just spiraled I guess, and I never had a reason to stop." Frank's voice wobbled, and he had to stop speaking to choke back tears.

"Well - if you want, I can help you stop, I know it will be hard, but I'll do everything I can to make it easier on you."

I was worried I had pushed him too far, but if he was staying with me, I had to at least try to get him off the drugs, there was no way I could sit back and watch him destroy himself.

"I'll stop Gerard, for you - I will quit everything." He turned back to face me, sporting the biggest smile I had seen on him yet.

"I will be there every step of the way," I reassured him.

"There is one more thing you should know - I have nightmares, like you saw last night. I wake up screaming sometimes, so just don't freak out or anything okay?" Frank was trying to feign a casual attitude, but I could see through his facade instantly.

"What are the nightmares about baby?" I winced at my slip up, but Frank didn't seem to notice, he was too busy staring into space.

"Uh...I don't think I can talk about it yet Gee, I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry, just know if you ever need to talk - about anything, I will always be here okay?"

As I was speaking, I tried to get into a more comfortable position, my ass was half off the chair because of the way I was holding Frank, and I felt like I was about to fall to the floor at any moment.

"You will be the first to know when I'm ready." Frank smiled before scooting over and patting the spot next to him, inviting me to join him in the bed; obviously he had noticed my precarious position and took pity on me.

“So you are clean now?” Frank asked, pointing to my arms which now contained only faded scars instead of the angry red marks they used to.

“Yep, eight years now,” I exclaimed proudly.

“Gerard - that’s amazing! I knew you could do it!”

And just like that, we were talking again like nothing had changed; like we hadn’t been separated for ages, and it was easy to pretend that we were still together, and not basically two strangers.

We spent the next few hours catching up on everything that had transpired since we had been apart while cuddling on the uncomfortable hospital bed. It was obvious that Frank was glossing over a lot of things, but I knew he would tell me eventually, and prying would only drive him further away from me.

We never did talk about our feelings - whatever they were now, but I was willing to wait. Frank was going to be living with me for the foreseeable future, and I had plenty of time to work up the courage to tell him how I felt.


	29. So give me all you've got

I could have sat there with Frank in my arms for ages and never gotten bored, but our time together was interrupted, as I knew it soon would be, but instead of a doctor like I had expected, a police offer entered the room with a grim look on his face.

Suddenly I remembered the less than ideal situation Frank had gotten himself into; I had been so worried about his health, that I had completely forgotten that he had been found with a decent amount of drugs in his possession.

"Which one of you is Mr. Iero?"

I heard Frank sigh when the police offer botched his name, and I had to suppress a giggle.

"That's me," Frank spoke up, and I removed my arms from around him reluctantly.

"I'm Officer Ross, I just need to speak with you for a second - if that is okay?"

This officer seemed much nicer than the initial one who had found the drugs in the first place, and I was crossing my fingers that he would be lenient with Frank.

"Yeah - that’s fine."

I could feel Frank tense up next to me, so I slipped my hand into his underneath the thin sheet.

"Well, as I'm sure you know, we found drugs in the car that you were driving. Luckily you were just under the amount where we would have to assume you were intending to distribute them, but I have to ask - were you planning on selling them?"

"No sir, they were mine; I wasn't sure how long I would be away from home, so I took more with me than I usually would." Frank's face was honest and open as he replied, and I hoped Officer Ross believed him.

"Okay good, then this will go a lot easier. Basically the max fine for something like this is up to one thousand dollars and six months of jail time, but with your situation, and the fact that you weren't caught selling, we have lessened the sentence considerably. All you are looking at is a five hundred dollar fine, and you will be on probation for six months - instead of in jail, but this means you have to get clean; if you fail even one drug test, you will have to serve the rest of your sentence in jail."

"I understand, I was planning on quitting everything anyway...but I don't have any way to pay the fine until I get a job. How long do I have to scrounge up the money?" Frank's face fell, and I wanted to soothe the lines of worry away forever.

"Don't worry about the fine Frankie, I'll cover it," I spoke up. There was no way I was letting Frank get in trouble just because of something as superfluous as money, luckily I had a pretty well stocked savings fund, so this wouldn't set me back far at all.

"Gerard no! I can't let you do that for me, you have already done enough."

"Don't even try to argue with me, because my mind is made up; if it really bugs you so much, you can pay me back eventually, but I don't want you throwing yourself into a job right now just to get the money, you need to heal first." I crossed my arms over my chest stubbornly, staring Frank down until he finally dropped his eyes.

"Fine...but I am paying you back," Frank grumbled sullenly.

"Okay - well if that's settled, then all you have to do is show up at the courthouse on the twenty first, they will assign you your probation officer, and you can pay your fine while you are there. Just be careful okay? I don't want to see you again anytime soon."

Officer Ross stood up, and I let out a sigh of relief at how well the meeting had gone.

"Thank you, and I will," Frank promised.

Frank sagged against me as soon as the door closed, and I put my arms back around his slim waist.

"Well that went better than I hoped." I smiled down at Frank, but instead of being happy like I had expected, he was almost on the verge of tears again.

"Fuck...I'm such a fuck up Gerard, I don't know why you are even bothering to help me," he choked out brokenly.

"Frankie - don't say that, because it isn't true, not at all. You made some mistakes, but that doesn't mean I am going to cut you to the curb, what kind of hypocrite would that make me? Do you remember how messed up I was when I was in high school, and did you ever give up on me, or write me off as a lost cause? No - you didn't, and I won't give up on you either, not now, not ever."

"Well that's because I loved you...and you couldn't possibly still love me now, so it’s different."

His sure tone of voice cut me to the core; Frank really didn't believe that it was even remotely possible that I still loved him, not even after all the hints I had been pushing his way.

I weighed my options quickly; if I told him how much I still cared, he might get freaked out, or feel pressured into something that he wasn't ready for, but if I hid it away, it would eat at me the entire time, and it would be that much harder to tell him the longer I put it off, so I decided to take the plunge, even though I was terrified.

"But I do Frank...I do still love you. I know this is crazy, and I'm pathetic for never getting over you, but fuck - I couldn't. I tried - I really did, but you left this void in my heart that literally no one could fill. I don't expect you to love me back, but I don't want to lie to you and pretend I feel nothing, when really I feel everything for you. So now do you believe me when I say I will be here for as long as you want me? I waited eight years to find you again, and now that you are here…it's like my heart is going to explode with how happy I am, and I can't even believe that this is happening, and..."

Frank cut me off my pressing his lips against mine in a chaste kiss, and oh my god - I think I died and went to Heaven, because it was even better than I remembered; he still fit perfectly with me as if we were two pieces of a puzzle, and I literally melted against him.

"I love you too..." Frank whispered as we pulled apart.

"You don't have to say it if you don't mean it Frank." As much as I wanted to hear those words, I had to make sure he wasn't just telling me what I wanted to hear.

"But I do, fucking hell - I mean it, and I will say it a hundred times until you believe me. I tried so hard to pretend I didn't, but I was just lying to myself, and I knew it. Gerard - you are so special, and no one could ever replace you, and I am the luckiest guy in the world right now, because you should have moved on years ago, but I am so fucking happy that you didn’t." An enormous smile split his face in two, and I couldn't resist leaning forward to kiss the tip of his nose.

"So Frank...does that mean you want to be with me?" I cursed my inner awkward teenage girl for making me sound like an idiot once again, but that was what Frank made me feel like, and I couldn't help it.

"Yeah I do, if you are willing to try and love this fucked up person that I have become that is."

"Frank - I would love you even if you were a male prostitute that ate cats for lunch, so shut the fuck up." I punched him playfully in the shoulder.

"Seriously though Gerard, it's not going to be easy; I mean...I...um...well basically - a lot of shit has happened, well I already told you that, uh..." Frank stammered nervously.

"It's going to be okay, I promise. If I ever do anything that makes you uncomfortable, or you want me to back off, just tell me." I didn't know what else to say to make him believe me, but he had to understand that he meant the world to me.

"I trust you Gerard - I do, I just feel so bad for all the shit I have put you through already, and I have only been here for two days," he chuckled grimly.

"Well you already hit my car and scared the shit out of me by almost dying, so it can't get much worse," I joked lightly.

"When you put it that way, I guess you are right."

Just then the door opened again, and this time Pete waltzed in, giving me a cheeky grin when he saw us snuggled together in the bed.

"Well Frank - you are officially free to go once you sign this form." He held his clipboard out to Frank along with a pen.

"Thank god - I hate hospital food," Frank grumbled as he scribbled his name at the bottom of the page.

"Oh come on now, the pudding is delicious!" Pete put a hand over his heart as if he had been wounded, and I rolled my eyes at his antics.

"You are such a drama king," I laughed, seriously I didn't know how he managed it, it was impressive really.

"Oh honey - you know you love it. Well anyway, your test results came back perfect, but you need to be under supervision for the next week just in case."

"He's going to be staying with me, and I am still out of school for winter break, so I will watch him."

Pete waggled his eyebrows at me, and I scowled at him in return. Luckily Frank didn't notice, he was too busy struggling back into his clothes now that he didn't have to wear that stupid hospital gown anymore.

"Well that takes care of that. Just one more thing, I am going to prescribe him some pills that should help lower the swelling on his brain faster, but it is possible that he might have a seizure or two before it is completely healed. If he does, just keep him safe and don't let him hurt himself, and if they last longer than five minutes, then call me okay?"

"Will do, can we go now?" I asked eagerly.

I had never lost my dislike of hospitals, mostly because they were full of needles, and I was ready to get out of here.

"Yes you can eager beaver, let poor Frank get his pants on first though."

"What the fuck Pete, no one says eager beaver anymore!” I exclaimed, while Frank snorted with amusement.

"Well I do, so suck it Way!" Pete snapped his fingers, and I dropped my face into my hands to stifle my laughter.

"So I assume you two know each other?" Frank asked curiously while buttoning up the aforementioned jeans.

"Mhmm, and you know me too, you just don't remember. I treated you the last time you were in here with your broken ribs." Pete pointed to his name tag, even though I doubted that would help Frank remember him.

"Wait...you are eyeliner doctor? What happened to your hair?"

The last time Frank had seen Pete, he had black hair, but for some unknown reason, he had cut it and dyed it blonde last year.

"Eyeliner doctor? Oh my god - I am so making a badge that says that! And about my hair, well I wasn't feeling it anymore, I guess I had to grow up eventually," Pete shrugged.

"Damn - this is crazy, I wonder who else I am going to run into today," Frank laughed as he slid his hand into mine, causing me to blush furiously.

"Get out of here you two, my hair has been insulted enough for one day - thank you very much."

"Bye Pete," I called out as Frank all but dragged me out of the room, but not before I saw Pete giving me the thumbs up while thrusting the air, seriously why was I his friend again?

As we exited the hospital - hopefully for good this time, Frank and I had spent more than enough hours inside of those doors - I felt as if my life was beginning anew, and I couldn't wait to experience everything with Frank.

I wasn't fooling myself, and I was well aware that it wouldn't all be sunshine and roses, but I meant what I said earlier; I was ready to face any hurdle as long as it meant that I got to keep Frank by my side.


	30. It was a lie when they smiled

Like the idiot I was, I forgot that Mikey had driven me to the hospital, so we had no way to get back to my apartment until my brother got off of work.

Luckily for us though, there was a coffee shop within walking distance, so we wouldn't have to spend our time waiting back in the dreary hospital. Frank's face lit up at the mention of coffee, and I didn't blame him; hospital coffee tasted like sludge, and that was putting it nicely.

"I can't remember the last time I had decent coffee," Frank sighed gratefully as he basically drained his entire cup in one go.

"That friend you were staying with didn't have coffee?" I was curious to know how Frank had been living these past few months, and I hoped my subtle attempts at revealing some of his past wouldn't upset him.

"Nah - he wasn't that big of a coffee drinker, he didn't even own a coffee machine!"

"What kind of person doesn't have a coffee maker?" I exclaimed in mock horror.

"Well - I mean…he was my drug dealer, so he had other ways to pep himself up," Frank chuckled softly.

"You were living with your drug dealer?" I tried to tone down the shock in my voice, but I failed miserably.

"Don't get me wrong, he was a really nice guy. I mean - he took me in without me even asking, he just found me on the streets and offered out of the blue. He was actually more caring than anyone in my life has been lately."

My feelings toward this guy softened slightly, I mean - anyone that protected Frank when I couldn't be there must be an okay guy.

Conversation kind of died off at that point, I couldn't think of anything else to say because I couldn't stop contemplating all the terrible things that Frank was so obviously hiding from me. I knew he needed time to be able to discuss them, but I didn't seem to be able to focus on anything else at the moment.

Luckily, my phone buzzed just then, giving me the perfect distraction from my thoughts.

"Mikey is on his way over," I informed Frank after skimming over the text he had sent me.

"Good, I want to take a shower and change out of these clothes."

"Well luckily my apartment does come equipped with a shower," I tried to joke, but come on - even I knew that was the worst attempt at humor in the history of the world.

"Hey Gee..." Frank trailed off while refusing to meet my gaze.

"Yeah baby, what's up?" I internally squealed when his face lit up at my use of a pet name.

"I...well - um...I don't have any clothes besides these, well actually, I don't have any belongs besides what I had in my backpack, and that's all locked up in police custody right now I assume."

His cheeks flamed red in embarrassment, and I reached across the table so I could capture his hand in mine. He flinched slightly at my touch, but before I could pull away, he laced our fingers together, so I left my hand where it was.

"Frankie - it's fine. You can borrow some of my clothes tonight, they might be a little big, but I'm sure I can scrounge up something that will fit you. Tomorrow we can go down to the station and get your stuff, and I will take you shopping for whatever else you need."

"You really don't have to do that for me Gerard, it just makes me feel like a burden." Frank kept his eyes downcast while he spoke, and I wanted him to look at me so I could see the emotion in them.

"Don't think like that - please don't, because it isn't true, not in the slightest. I want to do it for you because it makes me happy. You can't go around wearing my hand me downs all the time, and I kind of love shopping, so just indulge me okay?"

Finally Frank met my gaze, and even better than that, he was smiling.

"Fine, but only because you want to go. I swear - I will make this all up to you one day okay?"

"You just being here with me has already more than made up for it."

I winced at my cheesiness, but fuck it - it was all true, and when Frank leaned across the table and kissed me softly, I knew he didn't mind it either.

Mikey walked in not long after, and it was heartwarming to watch Frank's face light up at the sight of him. They had been close friends too, and I knew Mikey had missed having him around - not as much as I did - not by a long shot, but still it was amazing seeing two friends being reunited.

I felt like everything was falling perfectly into place now that Frank had been reintroduced to my life, and I couldn't keep a giant grin from spreading across my face the entire way home.

We said our goodbyes to Mikey before I led Frank up to my apartment, and I mentally added the fact that I would need to make Frank his own key to my ever growing to-do list. Frank kept glancing around at everything like he had never seen an apartment complex before, but then I realized that he was probably not used to decent living conditions, and my heart sank into my stomach.

"Well this is it, home sweet home." I gestured as I opened the door.

Frank followed me inside, his eyes taking in everything from the couch I had gotten from good will, to my art that decorated the walls.

"Is that me?" Frank asked tentatively, pointing to a sketch that was indeed of him.

I panicked slightly, in all of my excitement at bringing him home, I had completely forgotten that my Frank themed artwork was all over my place; luckily most of it was contained in my room, so hopefully he wouldn't think I was too creepy.

"Uh yeah...sorry - um...I'm going to school for art - remember, and one of our projects involved sketching a person who was important to us and stuff...so I drew you."

I was lying out of my ass; I just drew Frank because it was a way of keeping his memory alive, but he didn't need to know that yet.

"Wow Gerard, I thought you were a good artist in high school, but you are even better now."

I blushed at his unexpected compliment while I thanked god that he wasn't freaking out at my odd tendencies to draw him. Still - I needed to get into my room and hide the majority of my artwork before he managed to see anything else.

"Well uh - why don't you make yourself comfortable while I go find you some clothes, then you can take a shower or something," I babbled out nervously.

"Sounds good, and Gerard, thank you again for taking me in. Seriously - it means so much to me."

"You don't have to thank me Frankie, I'm just glad you are back."

I pecked his lips quickly before disappearing into my room; I heard the TV flick on, and I breathed a sigh of relief that he hadn't followed me in here.

Moving quickly so he wouldn't get suspicious, I removed all of the sketches that had plastered my walls before stowing them away carefully in a box, which I then shoved under the bed.

I still had to find something that would fit Frank, and luckily I procured an outfit of Mikey's that had somehow ended up in my apartment; my brother was thinner than me, so hopefully Frank wouldn't be drowning in his clothes.

"Hey baby, I got some clothes," I called out, but when I reentered the living room, I discovered Frank sprawled out on my couch, sound asleep.

I didn't have the heart to wake him when he looked so peaceful, so I let him be; he could take a shower later, right now he needed rest more.

I kept myself busy cleaning up the apartment and making a dinner for Frank and I; I wasn't sure if he was still a vegetarian or not, so I prepared noodles just to be on the safe side.

Everything was almost ready, I was just waiting for the sauce to heat up, when an ear splitting scream broke the previous silence.

"Frank?" I rushed into the living room, all thoughts of dinner forgotten, only to find him still asleep on the couch, but this time it wasn't a pleasant slumber; he was twisting beneath the blanket I had tucked around him, and his face was scrunched up as if he was in pain.

I realized that he was having another nightmare; he had warned me about this, but now that it was happening, I didn't know what to do. I couldn't just sit by and watch him suffer under the grip of whatever terror his mind was assaulting him with.

"Baby - please wake up..." I called a little louder, but he showed no sign that he had heard me.

I remembered how he had reacted to me touching him last time, and I didn't want to elicit the same behavior as before, but I had to wake him up somehow.

"Frank, it's Gerard, you need to wake up now."

I shook his shoulder as I spoke, not too roughly - I didn't want to hurt him, but enough that his eyes flew open rapidly.

"Don't fucking touch me Andy!" Frank cried out in a terrified voice, and then his eyes fell on me, and his entire body just collapsed. It was like the dream had drained of him of all energy, and he deflated on the couch in a ball of misery.

"Gerard...fuck...I'm sorry..." Frank mumbled with his face pressed into the cushions, making it difficult to understand what he was saying, but at least he recognized me now.

"It's okay baby...can I hold you?"

"Yes please..." he choked out.

So I did just that, curling up on the couch with my arms firmly wrapped around him. He didn't cry this time, he just lay there silently, and I didn't say anything to break the calmness of the moment; I had enough to think about as it was.

Instead I began stroking his hair, making sure that he saw my hand moving so he would know it was me touching him, and not some remnant of the dream; I didn’t want to startle him again.

Because it was painfully obvious what had happened to Frank now, I knew it, and I was pretty sure he knew that I knew it too. Still he didn't utter a word, and I wasn't going to voice my suspicions either, not until he was ready to tell me himself.

Honestly I didn't want to say what I was thinking out loud, it hurt too much to even consider it, but now that I knew - or at least I was ninety nine percent sure that I did, I couldn’t stop the thought from running through my brain until it consumed everything else.

_Frank had been raped…_

There was no other conclusion that I could come to, and it made sense: it explained the way he flinched away from me unless he was aware that I was there, why he was so nervous about being in a relationship with me even though we still loved each other. I ached to tell him that it didn't matter to me, that I still loved him, and I didn't view him any differently than before.

But I didn't, because Frank obviously wasn't ready to talk about it, and I needed some time to process it myself. My blood was figuratively boiling at the thought of someone committing such a horrendous act, and to my precious Frankie. If I had any idea who this Andy was, I would have gone after him and torn him limb from limb with absolutely no remorse.

That wouldn't change anything though: it wouldn't erase what had happened to Frank, it wouldn't fix the damage that had been done, honestly all it would do - besides making me feel better - would be to get me arrested, so it was probably better that this guy’s identity remained a mystery to me.

Frank had relaxed by now, he was snuggling against my chest and running his hand absentmindedly over mine. I knew I had to be careful with this situation if I was going to help Frank heal, and I was determined to do just that. He had been broken, but I would fix him, no matter how long it took.

"I made dinner, does noodles sound good?" I asked before pressing a soft kiss to the top of his head.

"Anything that isn't hospital food is perfect." Frank smiled up at me, I could practically feel the relief oozing from him, and I knew I had taken the right course of action for the time being.

"Well come on then, before it gets cold." I grabbed his hand and pulled him into the kitchen, making him sit at the table as I served up the thankfully not burned food.

"Thank you Gerard," Frank mumbled around a mouthful of noodles.

I knew he wasn't just saying thank you for dinner, or for a place to stay; he was saying thank you for not prying, for letting him pretend nothing had happened for a little while longer.

"Stop thanking me and eat, you are way too skinny and I am going to change that."

"So you are a chubby chaser huh?" Frank winked at me, and I snorted so hard I swear - a noodle almost came out of my nose.

"Nah - just a Frankie chaser."

"Oh my god Gerard, you are so fucking corny," Frank giggled.

"Oh shut up, you know you love it," I swatted his arm playfully.

"Yeah I do," Frank grinned before digging back into his meal.

And even though everything wasn't okay, actually it was pretty fucking messed up - for Frank at least, my world seemed perfect in this moment. I mean - Frank was back in my life again, and he may be battered and bruised, but he was here, and he was mine, and that would just have to be enough for now, because it was more than enough for me - actually Frank was everything to me.


	31. Let me be the one to save you

I awoke in the middle of the night, the intense pressure on my bladder refusing to let me stay comfortably cocooned in my bed for a moment longer, and no matter how much I didn't want to move, I had to - unless I was willing to use my bed as a toilet - which I wasn't. I may be lazy, but I wasn't that bad.

With an over exaggerated groan, I dragged myself out of bed and headed toward the bathroom, glancing at the couch to see Frank still sleeping peacefully, much to my relief. I had offered him the bed, but he refused, and as much as I wanted to sleep with him - just sleep - not do anything else, I didn't want to push him into something he wasn't ready for, and he hadn't mentioned it either.

I was washing my hands when I heard a loud thump coming from the living room. Leaving the water running in my haste, I bolted out of the bathroom, only to be met with the sight of Frank seizing on the living room floor, his head dangerously close to hitting the leg of the coffee table as his body convulsed.

"Frankie!" I cried out as I rushed to his side. I realized that I might scare him when he awoke to an unfamiliar pair of arms around him, but I was much more worried about the possibility of him hurting himself than anything else right now.

Remembering Pete's advice, I clamped his shaking body against mine, holding his arms and legs as still as I could so he wouldn't hit them against anything.

I checked the time on the wall, needing to judge how long the seizure lasted so I would know when it was time to call Pete, but luckily Frank's tremors ceased after only two minutes.

When his limbs lay completely still, I began brushing his hair back, searching for any injuries that might have been obtained when he fell off the couch, but he appeared unscathed. No bruises or cuts marred his face, and the fall had been a short one - thank god.

"Baby?" I whispered softly.

He hadn't stirred in over a minute, it appeared that he had simply fallen back asleep, if he was ever awake that is, but I had to make sure he was okay. I wracked my brain, trying to remember if he had taken his medicine before bed, but I couldn't recall seeing him down the pills. I cursed myself silently, I should have made sure he had before I fell asleep, but today had been so overwhelming that it had slipped my mind.

"Frankie - can you wake up for me?" I spoke a little louder, shaking him slightly in an attempt to get a reaction out of him.

"Gee...?" Frank's groggy voice was music to my ears, and I was ecstatic that he hadn't panicked at my presence.

"Yeah baby, it's me."

"Why am I on the floor?" he asked, sounding more awake now than he had a second earlier.

"You had a seizure and you fell off the couch, I just wanted to make sure you were okay, so I woke you up," I explained to him.

"Oh shit...I didn't take my pills," Frank groaned, burying his head in my chest.

"Come on sugar, let's get them now before you go back to bed."

I led him into the kitchen, where we had left the bag of medicine earlier and then promptly forgotten about it. After pouring a glass of water and making sure Frank took the appropriate dose, I finally relaxed. He seemed fine now, he hadn't even been aware of the seizure, and it didn't seem to have any lasting side effects.

"Gee?" Frank questioned softly, rinsing his glass in the sink with his back turned to me.

"What's up?" 

"Can I sleep in your bed instead?" he asked nervously.

"Yeah of course you can, I have slept on the couch more often than not, and it’s actually pretty comfy."

"No - I mean...can I sleep in the bed with you. I want to try it."

"Oh...I'd love that.” A smile split my face in two, causing Frank to grin back.

He followed me into the bedroom, after I returned to the bathroom to turn off the sink I had left running, and I got under the covers first, leaning my back against the wall so he would have plenty of room. As Frank climbed in after me, the bed shifted as it adjusted to his weight, and Frank let out a sigh as he buried his head into the pillow.

"Oh god - your bed is like a cloud, what kind of mattress is this?" Frank basically moaned.

"I don't know, it's like one of those mattress toppers - that memory foam shit, but it's just a plain old shitty box spring underneath," I giggled as he basically melted into the bed.

"Whatever it is, it's heaven," Frank mumbled into the pillow before turning to face me. I couldn't resist brushing back an errant strand of hair that had flipped over his forehead, and he smiled into my touch.

"Sweet dreams Frankie," I whispered.

"Goodnight Gee," he answered, pressing a chaste kiss to my lips before flipping back around and falling asleep almost immediately.

I had a much harder time getting my eyes to shut, Frank's presence was so distracting, and all I wanted to do was wrap my arms around him. I ached to pull him into my chest until I could feel his breath rise and fall, but I didn't; he wasn't ready for that yet, and just the fact that he was sleeping in my bed was a huge sign of trust for him, and I knew that. I just wanted more - so much more, but I was being selfish. I could wait, I would wait for Frank forever. 

Sometime during the night, I managed to fall back asleep, and I woke up to the best sight in the world; Frank's face leaning over me, holding a freshly brewed cup of his coffee in his hand - I could definitely get used to this.

"Rise and shine baby!" Frank cooed, handing the mug to me before grabbing his own from the bedside dresser.

"Somebody is in a good mood this morning," I tried to grumble. This was way earlier than I would have chosen to wake up if I was left to my own devices, but it was worth it, because I got more time with Frank, and I couldn't maintain my grumpy tone.

"I slept so well, I didn't even dream, or if I did - I don't remember it. That hasn't happened in months." Frank beamed down at me, and I smiled at him over the rim of my mug.

"Baby - that's amazing!"

"I know, I think it was because of you."

"Me? What did I do?"

"I just feel safe with you, and knowing you were right there next to me let me fully relax for the first time in forever. I wasn't afraid, because I knew if anything happened, you would protect me." Frank buried his face in his coffee, but not before I caught his cheeks reddening in the most adorable way.

"Because I would, I will never let anything bad happen to you again, not if it’s in my power to stop it."

I was so proud of Frank right then, because he was opening up to me - albeit slowly, but it was just another step in what would be a long process, and I felt undeniably closer to him already.

"I love you Gee."

Frank put his mug down and I followed suit, pulling him into my arms, because I just wanted to feel him. I was still barely getting over the fact that he was real, even though he was here in my bed, only wearing a pair of my old sweatpants that were way too big on him, but he didn't seem to care. I needed to go get him some clothes today, I had washed the ones he had last night, but he couldn't wear one outfit for the rest of his life.

"Where did you go baby?" Frank's voice pulled me out of my random thoughts, and I shook my head to clear them.

"Sorry love, I'm not the best morning person." He giggled slightly, and I pulled him even closer to me.

"I said I love you and you just zoned out there."

"I love you too Frankie, I'm just still trying to process the fact that you are real, and I didn't just imagine you," I confessed truthfully.

"Well if I was imaginary…could I do this?" Frank asked before pressing his lips against my own in a scorching kiss.

I melted into him, savoring the taste of coffee and Frank, which made a delicious combination. I let him be in control, not wanting to do anything to scare him, but he seemed to want this more than I did; moving his lips against mine forcefully until I let out a small gasp, allowing him to slip his tongue into my mouth.

I felt my eyes rolling up into my head at the sensation, it had been so long since I had kissed anyone, and this wasn't just anyone - this was Frank, and that made if all the more special.

He explored my mouth eagerly, only pulling away for air when it became necessary, before diving back in to kiss me again. I was in heaven, the way his tongue slide against mine was absolute perfection, and when he nibbled on my bottom lip, I let out an embarrassing moan, but that just seemed to fuel him on even more.

It took more self-constraint than I thought not to move things further. I may be an awkward virgin, but now that Frank was in my lap, kissing me with so much fervor that my skin felt like it was on fire, my body wanted more - it wanted everything Frank could give me, and it was almost painful to shove down my dirty thoughts.

Finally Frank pulled away, leaving my gasping for air and flushed from the unexpected kiss. His eyes were sparkling with joy, and I loved seeing him this way: pupils slightly dilated and lips swollen from my kiss. He was perfection personified, especially in this moment.

"I missed doing that," Frank sighed out happily.

"So did I." I ran a hand through my hair, trying to calm my body down before I got out of bed and my problem became obvious.

"So what are we going to do today?" Frank asked curiously.

"Shopping - remember, and we need to go get your stuff from the police station."

"Oh yeah! That means I can get my guitar back, I feel naked without her," Frank exclaimed happily.

"Not the same guitar I got you?" I wondered.

"The very one, I named her Pansy," Frank grinned.

"I can't believe you still have it."

"Are you kidding me? It's my prized possession! Now hurry up and get ready so we can go," Frank demanded before darting into the bathroom to get dressed.

As I pulled on my own clothes, I chuckled to myself at Frank's eagerness. He hadn't even been here one day yet, and already he was infusing my life with purpose, a reason to get up in the morning, instead of just the motivation to go to school, and I loved it.

Even after everything he had been through, he was still that passionate, energetic boy that I had first fell in love with, and it warmed my heart that the world hadn't managed to crush that out of him completely.

I think being here was helping him, he was remembering what it was like to be safe, and happy, and carefree, and I wanted to make sure he always felt that way. As he repaired the hole in my heart that was left by his absence, I wanted to fix him. We could heal each other, and I found that beautiful.

It was love - true love, and it could help us through any and all trials that were awaiting us in the future.


	32. Restore the fire and it's burning bright

The next month of my life passed in a happy blur, time seemed to fly by with Frank by my side, and even though I wanted to savor every moment with him, it was a good feeling. He healed quickly from his head injury, and he fit seamlessly into my world, as if I had always been saving a special spot just waiting for him to fill it.

The worst part was watching him struggle with his withdrawals, I hated seeing him shaking; cold sweat plastering his hair to his forehead as he tried to ignore the intense cravings for the drugs he swore he would never touch again.

He was so strong though, he never once attempted to find a way to get his hands on any sort of substance. Whenever the urge was especially bad, he would tell me, and I made sure not to leave his side until he had calmed down again.

Eventually he overcame it though, and I was so proud of him I couldn't find the words to describe it. I knew he could kick his bad habits, I never once doubted him, and I did everything in my power to make it easier on him; making sure he was never left alone with his dark urges, and in the end he proved me right.

I could almost physically see the changes once the ache for his addictions ended; his eyes were brighter, the way he carried himself had altered, he seemed so much more happy and confident overall, and I told him every day how wonderful he was doing.

He still had bad dreams sometimes, but they were few and far between now, and he would always turn to me for comfort instead of shoving me away in fear. We hadn't spoken about what had happened to him yet either, but I knew he would tell me when he was ready, so I never brought it up.

The court date went smoothly as well, Frank passed his first drug test with flying colors, and I knew he would continue to. It was a relief to put that all behind us, and I could tell Frank felt the same.

Frank had even found a job at the used book store down the street, and the fact that it also sold records and CD's was a bonus that neither of us overlooked. I swear - Frank spent half of his paycheck at that place, but I didn't mind, I loved seeing his excited face when he raced through the door, clutching a bag full of whatever treasured he had picked up that day.

I had to go back to school as well, and at first I had been terrified of leaving Frank alone. I always kept my phone with me, just in case he called, but of course I was worried for nothing. Frank was slowly regaining his feet that had been knocked out from under him, and he was beginning to rely on me less and less. That didn't mean he didn't want me though - thank fuck for that, and we still spent every moment together when we weren't at school or work.

Frank was pacing in front of our closet at the moment, trying to decide what to wear to dinner with my mother and Mikey tonight. I had called her to tell her about Frank the night after he had his seizure, and she had been ecstatic that I had finally found him again, but Frank hadn't been ready to see her until he kicked his drug habit. He said he wanted to make a good impression, even though I knew my mother would love Frank no matter what, I respected his wishes.

"Ugh Gee - help me, nothing I have seems good enough," Frank groaned before throwing himself onto the bed dramatically.

"Just pick out something you would usually wear, it's just dinner with my mom, not a meeting with the president of the United States," I giggled.

"But I want her to like me..." Frank whined.

"Honey, she will like you even if you turn up naked, but please don't do that, I don't want to scar Mikey for life."

"Shut up fucker," Frank smirked at me, and I couldn't resist leaning down and pressing a soft kiss to his lips, which he eagerly returned. We hadn't done anything but kiss during the past month, but I didn't mind, I would never get tired of the feelings of his lips pressed against mine.

"If I pick something, will you stop freaking out?" I asked him teasingly.

"Yes!" he squealed excitedly, so I heaved myself to my feet to begin pawing through his clothes. He didn't have much, he had refused to let me buy him more than a few outfits, and even now that he had a job, he chose to spend his money on other things besides clothes.

"Well how about this?" I held up a black t-shirt coupled with a black and white plaid shirt for his approval.

"Yeah that looks good." Frank smiled before jumping off of the bed, snatching the outfit out of my hands so he could go change. He always insisted on getting undressed in the bathroom, but I was used to his quirks by now.

Finally we were ready to go, I had to literally drag Frank out of the bathroom; he was attempting to do god knows what to his hair with an old straightener that Mikey had left behind, and even though I insisted that he looked perfect, he wouldn't listen to me. I honestly found it kind of adorable how desperate he was to impress my mother, it was like we were going on a first date, and he had to win her approval before he got permission to be with me.

Frank clutched my hand tightly in his as we approached the white painted door, I could feel how clammy his palm was, so I pressed a kiss against his cheek, hoping it would calm him down.

"Relax baby, if I didn't know better, I would think you were walking into a dragon's den."

"I'm just so nervous, I mean it's not just your mom, but your grandma too, and I'm not good with small talk...and -" I cut Frank off with another kiss, this time on the lips.

"Trust me, everyone is going to love you. They already do, because I haven't been able to shut up about you, and even if they didn't - it wouldn't matter, because you make me happy okay?

"Okay..." Frank sighed heavily before giving my hand a squeeze.

"Ready?" I asked.

"Mhmm," he nodded, so I lifted my hand and knocked lightly on the door.

I didn't even get a chance to say hello to my mother before she attacked Frank and I, pulling us into a massive hug.

"Oh my boys - I have missed you both! Come in, come in!" My mother exclaimed happily, grabbing both of our hands and tugging us inside.

I had missed her as well; ever since I started school, I hadn't been visiting her as often as I used to, especially since she had moved in with Grandma Elena, which was about a thirty minute drive from my apartment. She seemed so much happier now that she had quit her job and dedicated herself to caring for her mother, no longer was she exhausted by long nights at the hospital, and she seemed so much more alive lately.

"We have all missed having you around Frank, I am so glad you are back," my mother gushed.

"Nice to see you again too Mrs. Way," Frank stammered out.

"Oh Frank, please call me Donna."

"How have you been mom?" I asked her when she finally released us after leading us into the dining room.

"Wonderful baby, thank you for asking. I'll be right back, I just have to get the lasagna out of the oven," my mother informed us before darting into the kitchen.

"Hey grandma," I smiled as she entered the room, pulling her into a hug as well.

"It's about time you brought your young man over Gerard," she beamed up at me in excitement. I waved Frank over and he joined me nervously, twisting his hands together behind his back.

"Grandma, this is Frank. Frank, this is my Grandma Elena."

"Nice to meet you, I have heard a lot about you from Gerard." Frank held out his hand for her to shake, but she just swatted it away, choosing to hug him instead.

"And I have heard enough about you to fill a book," she chortled, causing Frank to blush a bright red.

"All good I hope?" he asked cautiously.

"Oh yes, in my eyes you are already part of the family after everything you have done for Gerard."

"He has done even more for me, I don't think I would be standing here today if it wasn't for him," Frank responded. I wrapped my arms around him in a grateful embrace, and I could feel his body relax in my hold. 

"Gerard - can you get the door? I think I heard Mikey's car pull up," my mother shouted from the kitchen, and sure enough the doorbell rang not even a second later.

Once I had let Mikey in, and Ray as well - apparently Mikey had dragged him along because he wanted him to meet Frank, we all settled down at the table as my mother served up the lasagna, she had even remembered to make a vegetarian portion for Frank.

"So this is the infamous Frank, for some reason I imagined you taller," Ray grinned once introductions had been gotten out of the way once again.

"Fuck Gerard, how often do you talk about me?" Frank blushed again slightly.

"Oh...you might have come up in conversation once or twice," I responded cheekily.

"More like every fucking day." Mikey nudged me in the side, and I ruffled his hair affectionately in response.

"Way to sell me out little bro," I fake pouted.

"Hey - the poor guy should know about your obsession so he can run for the hills while he still has the chance," Mikey shot back.

"Oh I know, but I'm just as crazy about him," Frank cut in, making me grin from ear to ear.

"Love you baby," I whispered in his ear so only he could hear before we began digging into our food.

Frank relaxed almost instantly, everyone was delighted to see him, as if we had been together for years instead of just a month, and he fit perfectly into my family. I never imagined that this day would come, hell - a few weeks ago, I wasn't even sure if I would ever see Frank again, and now look at us.

The night passed quickly, and I couldn't remember ever being happier in my entire life. I was surrounded by the people I adored most, an aura of love and contentment suffused the entire house, and there was nothing I would have changed about this moment.


	33. Words I thought I'd never speak

"Gerard?"

"Yeah?"

I tuned to Frank so I could see him better, even though it was hard to make out his features in the dim room. We were lying in bed together, not quite tired enough to fall asleep, but too lazy to attempt to do anything else.

"I think...I'm ready to tell you about...about what happened to me."

Everything seemed to freeze in that moment except for Frank: my heart stopped beating, I stopped breathing, but I could see the rapid rise and fall of Frank's chest, his hand shaking against mine where they lay interlaced on top of the comforter.

"Frank - you don't have to do that."

Because as much as I wanted him to open up to me, I hated seeing him this way, and if it made him happier, I would honestly be okay if he never told me, since I already kind of knew anyway.

He looked so scared; his face was twisted up as if he were in pain, his eyes refused to stay in one place for more than a second, darting all over the room as if desperately searching for something - anything, but even he didn't know what.

"I need to - if I'm ever going to get over this and be a proper boyfriend to you, then I am going to have to do this eventually," Frank sighed out harshly.

"You are already perfect in my eyes, you don't have to do anything, especially not to please me," I assured him, but his tense posture didn't change at all.

"I think it will help," he finally spoke after a few minutes of uncomfortable silence.

"Okay then." I gathered his small frame as close to my body as possible, trying to provide him any form of comfort I could.

"Well...I mean I think you already know the main thing that happened, but I am going to backtrack a bit, to when I first moved to New York."

I pressed a kiss to the top of his head to let him know that I was there, and that I was listening, because I had seemed to forgotten how to form words.

"Well - we lived in kind of a bad neighborhood, because apartments are expensive in New York, and my mom had a good job…but still. That's how I fell into drugs in the first place, they were everywhere in my high school, and the thought of some pill being able to erase everything was too tempting to pass up."

He paused for a long time, so long that I thought he wasn't going to continue, and I was too scared to say anything in case I shattered the moment completely.

"I'm getting off track already...I'm sorry - this is just harder than I thought it would be," Frank muttered softly.

"Don't apologize baby," I whispered against his hair.

"Well anyway, my mom and I both went downhill at the same time, except she started drinking instead of doing drugs. It got so bad that she lost her job."

"She didn't...didn't do anything to you like your stepdad, did she?" I asked nervously, because this was the first time that Frank had mentioned his mother in his entire stay here, and I had to make sure she hadn't hurt him.

"No...she never hit me. It just hurt watching her fall and not being able to pick her back up. She just stopped caring, but how could I blame her when I did the same thing?" Frank sniffled softly, and I tightened my hold on him.

"Please don't cry Frank, you can stop, it's okay."

"She was still in love with my stepdad actually. I heard them talking on the phone late at night, and I wanted to be pissed at her - I wanted to hate her, but how could I? She had lost the person she loved, just like I had, and even though it was her fault I was separated from you, she had ripped out her own heart in the process, so I understood in a way," Frank continued speaking, ignoring me completely.

"She was trying to replace him I think, she had a guy over almost every night - usually a different one, but she had some she saw quite often. I never really talked to them or got to know them. When they were there, I usually just hide in my room and got high." Frank shuddered violently in my hold, and I knew he was getting close to the end of his tale.

"Well one day...one of them...fuck -"

And then Frank was sobbing, full on bawling against my chest, and I felt like my heart was being crushed beneath the weight of his sorrow. It hurt more than any physical wound, and I couldn't even begin to image how he was feeling if I ached this much, and it hadn't even happened to me.

"He raped me...he just stormed into my room and ripped off my clothes before I could even think to run; my mom was still in the fucking house and everything, but she was passed out or some shit, and it was partially my fault I think, I was high as fuck, if I hadn't been, maybe I could have fought back more, or -"

"Shut up Frank. Don't you dare say that, what happened was in no way your fault, I don't care if you were so strung out you couldn't move. What he did was unforgivable, and I never want you to blame yourself." I was literally seething by this point, but I forced myself to calm down for Frank, he needed me to be supportive and loving, not in a murderous rage.

"I just - fuck - I still can barely believe it happened," Frank hiccupped. His tears were slowly ebbing - much to my relief, but his body was still fraught with tension.

"Were you -"

"A virgin? No, thank fuck for that, I might have followed in my mom's footsteps a bit with the whole _"trying to fuck to forget you thing"_ but that only made it worse."

"Oh Frankie..." I exhaled heavily. I didn't know what to say; even though I had been preparing for this conversation for some time, I was still floored that this had happened to him, it just wasn't fair - not that life is ever fair, but why couldn’t it have spared Frank from this.

"I ran away as soon as he left, that's how Bert found me on the streets. I just couldn't stay there any longer, but I abandoned my mom, and I still feel guilty about that, even though I don't want to."

"You did the right thing Frank, if you had stayed, it could have happened again," I soothed him gently.

"I know...fuck - I just want this to all go away, but even after I ran, I dreamed about it every night. It wasn't until I found you that they started to fade, but I still feel dirty, and used, and worthless sometimes," Frank's voice had become so faint I could barely hear him. I almost wished I hadn't, because his words cut me like knives being pressed into my skin, to hear him say such terrible things about himself was utterly heartbreaking.

"Frankie - look at me." He had pressed his face into my chest, and I needed him to meet my gaze so I could make sure he was truly hearing what I was about to say.

When he lifted his head, I almost shattered then and there; the desolation in his hazel eyes that usually sparkled so brightly was almost too much for me to handle, I needed to erase his pain, because it was mine too, and I didn't want either of us to suffer.

"None of those things are true. You are beautiful, and precious, and if anyone is filthy, it is him for doing those terrible things to you. I can't go back and fix what happened, even though I would give anything to be able to, but it doesn't change the way I see you." I spoke passionately, desperately hoping that he would take my words to heart, because he really was the most perfect person in the world, and the fact that he didn't see that was a tragedy.

"How can you say that?" he asked hoarsely.

"Because it's true - I love you Frank, so much that I can never truly explain it to you with words, if only I could show you. I wish you could see yourself through my eyes, then you would understand." I felt tears forming, but I refused to let them fall, I didn't want anything to obscure my view of Frank.

"Can you show me?" Frank asked timidly, twisting the hem of his t-shirt nervously in his hands, which I just now noticed had stopped shaking.

"How?" I was puzzled by his request. I just told him that I didn't know how to show him how much I loved him besides continuing to do the usual things I did every day.

"Uh..." Frank blushed bright red, and it was only then that I understood his meaning.

"Oh! Frank I..."

"No - it's okay, I shouldn't have asked, it was stupid of me...I mean - who would want to have sex with me after I just told them that I was raped," Frank turned so his back was facing me, ripping out of my arms angrily.

"Frank - no! That's not what I meant at all; I do want to - fucking hell - I really do, it's just that...I'm - I'm a virgin..." I stammered awkwardly, tonight was apparently turning into an unexpected confessional.

"You are?" Frank flipped back around with a look of surprise plastered on his face.

"Yeah I am, don't look so shocked," I giggled nervously.

"But you are like...twenty-five? How many times a day do you jack off?" Frank chortled, and I laughed along, glad that the somber conversation had finally taken a lighter turn, and even though I knew Frank was just masking his pain with humor, I let it slide for tonight. He had already opened up more than I thought he would, and he wasn’t going to magically heal now that he had confessed to me.

"Shut up Frank...I mean you live here, you would know."

"Maybe you just wait until I'm at work huh?" Frank teased, snuggling back into my side as I tried to hide my rapidly increasing blush with my hair.

"You are such an asshole..." I huffed, which only caused him to grin even more.

"Seriously though Gerard, you never found anyone you wanted, not even once?" Frank gazed at me with curious eyes, and I shifted uncomfortably on the bed.

"No I didn't. No one held a candle to your flame," I admitted in a shaky voice.

"Gee...that is...just wow. I fucking love you." Frank looked like I had just told him the sun was green or something; like he didn’t believe me at all, but he wanted to, and the spark was back in his eyes now - thank god.

"I fucking love you too, and I always will," I leaned closer to him, pressing a soft kiss to the edge of his mouth before pulling away slowly.

Frank didn't move for a moment, his eyes were closed and his expression was relaxed. He looked truly happy in that moment, and all the previous stress from before had drained out his body.

"I want you Gerard," he uttered softly before turning back to me, grabbing the sides of my head and pulling me back down to his mouth eagerly.


	34. The collision of your kiss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This entire chapter is just smut, so if you want to skip it, you won’t miss anything important to the story. Those with virgin eyes have been warned.

Frank kissed me like he was drowning, and I was the only thing keeping his head above water, and as much as I wanted to jump blindly into this, I had to make sure this was what he really wanted, because if I did something wrong and ended up hurting him, I would never be able to forgive myself.

"Frank...wait a second." It was so hard to pull myself away from him, because I really did want this. My entire body was screaming at me to shut up and kiss him again, but I couldn't give in to my hormones.

"What?" Frank asked breathlessly, staring up at me with lust filled eyes.

"Are you sure about this, because you don't have to do this for me; I only want this if you do. I waited twenty-five years to have sex, believe me - I can hold out a little while longer," I chuckled softly.

"I -" Frank paused for a moment, scrunching up his noise in thought, and I sat by quietly, because he needed to really think about this, and I didn't want to distract him, or sway him one way or the other.

"I do Gerard, and not just because I want to make you happy, even though that is a bonus. I just want to move on from what happened, and you have already helped me so much with that, so I trust you with this - with me, because I'm not afraid when I'm with you, and I know you would never hurt me. I have been thinking about this for a while, and I'm sure okay?" The look on his face was deadly serious, and I nodded in acquiescence.

"So can I kiss you again now?" Frank giggled, and I took the initiative to quickly reattach our lips.

Frank kissed back hungrily, and I kept it at that for now. I loved kissing him, he was so unrestrained in the way he pressed his lips against mine, the thorough way he explored every inch of my mouth with his tongue, the way his fingers tangled in my hair - pulling occasionally, causing me to moan into his mouth.

With shaking hands, Frank began to tug at the bottom of my t-shirt, and I helped him slip it off, throwing it onto the floor already littered with dirty laundry I had neglected to pick up. I reached towards his top slowly, sending him a questioning look, and when he nodded, I gently removed it from his body before returning to kissing him again.

I ran my hands over every inch of exposed skin I could reach, luxuriating in the feel of it. This was nothing we hadn't done before; we had spent numerous lazy afternoons making out shirtless on the couch, but this felt different, because I knew we were going to go farther, which made every single sensation heightened.

I was scared to take the next step though, Frank and I had never gone any farther than this; in the past, every time my hand had accidentally slipped below his waist, he had flinched violently, causing me to move away quickly, and he had never attempted anything with me either.

Frank actually made the first move, he seemed much less frightened than I was, even though it should have been the opposite, but even so, it was his fingers that snaked under the waistband of my boxers, gently brushing against my quickly growing hard on.

" _Ooh -_ " I gasped in surprise. This was the first time I had ever had someone touch me - besides my own hand of course, but that wasn't even comparable. Frank's simple stroke already felt better than anything I could ever do to myself.

I felt Frank smirk against my lips, he seemed to be quickly gaining confidence, even though his fingers still shook slightly as he pulled my boxers all the way off before wrapping his hand around me and pumping slowly.

My eyes rolled up in the back of my head as he continued his movements; this was supposed to be about Frank, but I couldn't help but loose myself in the pleasure of the moment for just a few more seconds.

When I gently place my hands on Frank’s hips, his movements ceased completely, and I held myself motionless as well. Frank was trembling under my touch, but I didn't remove my hands, and eventually his tremors eased, and he nodded his head slightly, telling me to continue.

I hooked my fingers in the fragile material that was separating us from skin to skin contact, causing Frank to squeeze his eyes shut tightly, but I didn't want that; I wanted him to see me, to know that it was me touching him, and not someone else.

"Look at me baby," I cooed softly, and he warily opened one eye, peering down at me nervously.

"Can you keep talking to me? It helps." Frank gulped audibly, and it was apparent that his earlier confidence had been a facade, or his terror was bleeding through the fragile shield he had put around it now that he was the one being touched.

"Of course love," I whispered in his ear before nipping on the shell, causing him to throw his head back slightly.

"You are doing so well baby, you are so perfect - so beautiful." As I spoke, I slowly inched his boxers down, slipping them over his legs carefully.

"Is this okay baby?" I asked as I skated my fingers up his thighs. He had begun to shake again, but his eyes were still wide open, staring down at me trustingly.

"Yeah, it's - it's nice," Frank breathed out deeply, but it was obvious he was slightly uncomfortable, so I decided to try something else instead.

I scooted closer to him, and he leaned in for a kiss, which I gladly gave him. As I felt him begin to relax, I moved down his jawline, pressing soft kisses everywhere my lips landed before I moved lower to his neck, sucking softly on his heated skin.

" _Ahh -_ " Frank hissed, his eyes fluttering closed as he tilted his head to the side, giving me more of his neck to mark up. His hands wrapped around my middle, pulling me closer to him eagerly.

I took this opportunity to run the tips of my fingers lightly over the head of his cock, which was brushing against his stomach as if it was begging for my attention. He gasped loudly, but that was it, so I did it again, letting my hand linger for a few seconds more. I continued this pattern until he was panting heavily, his hips pressing upward, trying to find more of my touch.

"Fuck Gerard…do something. I promise I won't break," Frank moaned out loudly, and I couldn't restrain a broad grin from spreading across my face.

"Are you sure?" I pressed, leaning over so I could reach the dresser where I had stored some recently bought lube and condoms. I hadn't expected this to happen so soon, but it never hurt to be prepared, and I was so glad I had the foresight to get some. Frank's breath hitched in his throat when he saw what I had grabbed, but he bobbed his head rapidly.

"I'm scared, but I don't want to stop. Please Gerard, keep going."

"I will baby, just be patient." I continued to mutter random nothings to him, trying to keep him calm as I lubed up my fingers. He watched my every movement; I could see fear in his hazel eyes, but also love, and trust, and hope.

I gently spread his legs, noticing the way every one of his muscles tensed up, but he didn't fight me, even though I could see the mental effort it was taking him not too - it was written all over his face.

"Just look at me baby, it's okay - it's just me. You are doing so well." Once Frank's eyes locked with mine, I gently inched one finger inside him, pressing my lips to his at the same time. He moaned softly into my mouth, shifting his hips slightly so it was easier for me to continue the motions with my finger.

"More please..." Frank gasped, the terror was quickly leaching out of his eyes, replaced by lust and adoration instead.

"God you are so beautiful Frank," I sighed as I sunk another finger into him, scissoring them gently. I may have been a virgin, but I knew the semantics at least, and by the sounds Frank was making, I was doing something right.

"Gerard - _oh_ fuck," Frank hissed, pushing back onto my hand, making sure to keep eye contact with me the entire time. As I watched, his pupils dilated, and his entire expression became lax with pleasure. Even the trembling in his hands had ceased, they clutched my hips tightly as he continued to ride my fingers.

"I'm ready...please Gee," Frank whined desperately. Preparing myself as quickly as I could - not wanting to make Frank wait too long, I was soon ready and pressed up against his entrance.

"Look at me baby, don't close your eyes okay?" I said, running my fingers gently through Frank's hair until he granted my request. He was trembling softly again, but his eyes remained clear and unclouded by fear.

"I love you - _oh fuck_..." I hissed out as I pushed my way into him slowly.

He was so tight - oh so tight; I could barely catch a breath, I was too overwhelmed by the foreign sensation of being encased inside of Frank, and in my momentary distraction, I had closed my eyes, breaking the connection we had maintained this entire time.

Immediately Frank began to whimper softly; as soon as the sound reached my ears, my eyes snapped back open, and I moved my hands to cup his face so he couldn't look away from me.

"I'm sorry baby, I'm here - it's okay. Do you want me to stop?" I gasped out breathlessly.

"Don't stop, just please keep looking at me, keeping talking to me," Frank answered in a shaky voice, so I did just that.

As I began to move in and out at an agonizingly slow pace, I never once removed my gaze from Frank's.

"Fuck baby, you feel so fucking good," I groaned loudly as Frank wrapped his legs around me, pushing me even deeper inside of him.

" _Ooh shit_...Gee - _fuck_...right there. _Oh fuck_ \- do that again," Frank exclaimed when I thrust back in, slightly harder than before.

"You like that?" I teased, rubbing against his prostate instead of continuing my in and out movements.

" _Ahh...fuck_ \- harder please," Frank moaned loudly, his body shaking again, but this time from pleasure instead of from fear.

I gave him what he was asking for, increasing my pace as I continued to ramble to him about how gorgeous he looked all spread out for me, about how much I loved the noises he made, about how much I loved him, and anything else that popped into my pleasure filled brain.

Frank reached down and began stroking himself roughly, but I quickly slapped his hand away, replacing it with my own, pumping him up and down in time with each of snap of my hips.

"Don't stop Gee...I'm so fucking close -" Frank hissed, and I was too. I was actually surprised I hadn't come already, because this felt so fucking good - I had been close from the moment we started, but I wanted to see Frank come undone first.

"Come on baby, I want you to come for me - I want to see your face," I whispered, clutching his hip with my free hand so I could pull him even closer to me.

"Gerard!" Frank borderline screamed out my name as he came all over his stomach, his legs trembling wildly, falling from their position around my waist as if he didn't have the strength to hold them there anymore. Seeing him completely lose it underneath me was the final shove I needed; I came so hard I swear - I blacked out momentarily before collapsing against Frank's chest.

"I love you...I love you so much," I mumbled against his skin. I was too tired to move, my entire body was tingling all over, and Frank seemed to be in the same state.

"Gerard...that was amazing," Frank sighed out happily, and a weight lifted off my chest, one that I hadn't even been aware of, but hearing Frank say that released my hidden worries that maybe I hadn't been good enough for him, or maybe I had hurt him and he just didn't want to say anything, but I knew he wasn't lying to me, just like I knew that we had just taken a giant step in strengthening our relationship.

"You are the one that's amazing," I smiled to myself softly, still trying to process what had just happened. I had sex - with Frank, and it was better than any fantasy my mind had produced.

"Thank you Gee." Frank pressed a soft kiss to my forehead, but I leaned up so he could leave another on my lips instead. With a slight groan, I disentangled myself from Frank, grabbing one of our discarded shirts and throwing it to him so he could wipe his stomach before disposing of the condom and returning to bed.

"Did you seriously just thank me for having sex with you?" I joked, but I knew what he meant. I just wanted to hear his laugh, and I wasn't disappointed.

"Seriously though, that was - I don't even have words," Frank sighed in contentment, wrapping his arms around me lazily.

"So I guess for a virgin, I didn't do too bad?" I teased.

"If I didn't know you better, I would think you were lying, that's how good you were," Frank grinned up at me.

And his smile had changed - just a bit, and to anyone but me it wouldn't be noticeable, but I knew Frank so well that I caught that slightly higher upturn of his lips, how it came more freely to his face then before, and I knew I was fixing him. Piece by piece, I was gluing him back together, and that was the best feeling in the world, even though the sex had been pretty damn close.


	35. The words aren't coming out

Frank became a bit of a sex addict over the next couple weeks, but I would be lying if I said I was complaining. He would come home from work and literally jump me on the couch, and I loved the fact that he had become this comfortable with me so quickly. He had healed so much in such a short time, and it was astounding.

Each time we were together, his fears would abate bit by bit: his hands longer shook with nervousness, and he had stopped flinching at my touch completely. He even topped last time, which was something he had been completely opposed to at first, but now that it had happened, I wanted to experience it more often.

Everything in our lives was basically perfect, and I never stopped being grateful for Frank's presence. He was my happiness personified in a five foot four package, and I loved him so much sometimes I felt like I was going to explode from the intensity of my emotions.

"I think I should call my mom, just to make sure she's okay," Frank mumbled out the blue one day after another spontaneous sex session.

"Yeah?" I asked, pushing his sweaty hair away from his forehead gently.

"I just want to let her know that I'm safe and happy."

"Why now?" I questioned curiously.

"I think it was just too many memories before, I couldn't think of her without thinking of him, so I just pushed it to the back of my mind - you know?"

"Yeah - I understand. Well if it will make you feel better, then go for it," I encouraged him, pressing a soft kiss to his cheek.

"I am going to go call her now before I chicken out." Frank stood up, pulling on a pair of jeans before heading into the kitchen where he had left his phone charging.

I decided to stay in our room to give him some privacy; he didn’t need me hovering over him as he talked, and if he wanted me, then he knew where to find me.

I liked the way that sounded in my head, our room.

My eyes were just beginning to drift shut when - ironically enough, my phone began to ring, and it was my mother's caller id that flashed across the screen.

"Hey mom," I greeted her happily. Frank and I had stopped by just last week, but I missed her already, and we were planning another visit soon.

"Hey baby, are you busy?" She sounded nervous, which didn't fit her carefree nature, and my guard was instantly raised.

"Not at the moment...I was going to walk Frank to work in an hour though. Why? Is something wrong?”

"Well no, not exactly. I was just wondering if there was any way you could stop by, maybe after you drop Frank off?" Her voice was literally shaking as she spoke. Her fear was infecting me like a virus, and I just wanted to understand what was going on.

"Um - yeah I guess I can, but what is so important that you can't just tell me over the phone?" I pressed for more information. I was already freaking out internally, and I don't think I could wait a few hours for her to tell me what was happening.

"This would really be better to talk about in person..." she trailed off guiltily, and I resisted the urge to yell at her just to tell me what the fuck she was going on about.

"Fine...but do you promise to explain everything when I get there?" I demanded in a slightly childish tone.

"I will baby. I'll see you soon." And with that she hung up before I could press her for any more hints about what had gotten her so upset.

I threw myself out of the bed, suddenly unable to lie still for a moment longer. I dressed quickly, running a brush through my tangled mass of hair a few times before giving up on it entirely. I really needed a haircut, but Frank seemed to like it long, so I had been putting off a trim for now.

When I walked into the kitchen, Frank was still on the phone with his mom, so I headed into the living room, switching on the TV and flipping channels aimlessly.

"Bye mom, love you too." I heard Frank say from the other room, and seconds later he was joining me on the couch.

"How did it go?" I asked out of curtesy, because I could already tell by the smile on his face that it had been a good conversation.

"Way better than I thought it would," he grinned, leaning into my side before he continued to speak.

"She freaked out on me at first of course, basically bit my head off for disappearing and then not calling for so long. I didn't explain to her why I left - I'm not ready for that, but she just seemed happy to find out I'm alive."

"Well she better be, if you vanished one day, I wouldn't rest until I found you again."

"You proved that point." Frank kissed me quickly on the lips, and I smiled against his mouth.

"Yeah - I guess I did huh?"

"Anyway, we talked for a while, and she's happy Gee, like truly happy. She's back with my stepdad; I was kind of shocked at first, but then I realized I have been gone for like six months, and I may hate him, but if he makes her happy, then whatever - at least I don't have to live with him."

"Just hope I never run into that fucker...she wouldn't like him after I was done with him," I muttered sullenly.

"You are cute when you go into protective mode," Frank chuckled quietly.

"That guy is an ass, and nothing will change my mind on that." I crossed my arms over my chest stubbornly.

"I am not arguing with you love. Oh, and I told her about you," he added casually.

"Really - like...that we are together?" I stammered out in surprise.

"Mhmm, she was totally cool with it, not that her opinion matters, but it was kind of nice to hear her apologize for all the shit she said about you in the past."

"I kind of wish I could get a recording of that." And I really did; I couldn't imagine Linda Iero apologizing to anyone, especially not me.

"Well you might be able to hear it in person. She wants to meet up soon, she moved back to Jersey apparently. I told her I would let her know when I was ready, I'm not sure if I want to face her just yet."

"Take all the time you need baby, you don't owe her anything," I reassured him.

"Well I should probably go get ready for work," he sighed before heading into the bedroom, and I followed close on his heels.

"Speaking of mom drama, my mother called me a little bit ago, she wants me to come over and talk about something." I looked away as Frank changed, he still wasn't one hundred percent comfortable being naked unless we were actually having sex, but he was so much better than when I had first found him. He didn't have to change in the bathroom anymore, which was a big step for him.

"Oh yeah? Do you have any idea what it's about?" His voice came out muffled, probably because he was pulling a shirt over his head, but I still understood him.

"Not a clue...that's why I'm so nervous. My mom doesn't do stuff like this, she is always so open and honest, so I'm worried it is something really terrible.”

"When are you going to see her?"

"As soon as I walk you to work, she wanted to talk today for some reason, and the sooner I figure out what this is, the better."

"Well I'm sure it's nothing, but text me as soon as you find out, now you have me curious too.”

\-------------------------------------------

A little over an hour later, I rang the doorbell to my mother's house, shifting from foot to foot in agitation when it seemed to take her ages to come to the door.

"Hey baby." She graced me with a sad smile before beckoning me to follow her inside.

"Mom - what's wrong?" I asked as soon as my feet crossed the threshold. I needed answers now, or I was going to spontaneously combust.

"Would you like something to drink?" She ignored my question completely, burying her face in the fridge in a poorly masked attempt at hiding her expression from me.

"No...what I want is for you to tell me what the fuck is so important that you were too scared to tell me over the phone." I never spoke to my mother that way, but I was so angry at her evasion that it just slipped out, and I immediately regretted it.

"Mom I'm sorry, I didn't mean that," I apologized, but she didn't seem upset at all, or at least - not any more upset than she had been already.

"Oh honey, it's okay, I'm the one that should be sorry. I just don't know how to tell you this..."

"Just spit it out, it can't be worse than not knowing," I offered helpfully.

"I'm trying," she sighed, sinking into one of the chairs set around the kitchen table tiredly.

"Hey where's Grandma?"

I had suddenly noticed how quiet the house was, and Elena wasn't one for midday naps, she was always up and about doing something whenever I had come over. My mother's face fell instantly, and my heart stopped beating in my chest.

"Oh my god...don't tell me something happened to her," I gasped out, unable to breathe properly because of the fear that was gripping my throat.

"Yes - something happened, but she is okay, just in the hospital right now," my mother admitted quietly.

"Why? Did she fall? Is she going to be okay?" I snapped my teeth together to give my mother a chance to answer my incessant questions.

"Gerard honey, just shut up for a second and listen to me. This isn't going to be easy to hear, but please try and stay calm," she pleaded desperately, so I clenched my jaw together and did my best to stay silent.

"Elena has been sick, for quite some time now...I know I should have told you sooner, but I was so scared it would interfere with your recovery process, so I decided to keep it from you. I know I shouldn't have, but she was doing so well, and now…well she is getting worse again," my mother explained shakily, but that wasn't good enough for me, because I was still confused.

"Sick - like how...and how long has she been like this?" I questioned in a shaky voice.

"It started about eight years ago, right after you were released from Laurel Hills."

"What started...?” I don't know why I asked, because I think I already knew, and I really didn't want to hear her say it, because that would make it all too real, but I pressed her anyway.

"Elena has cancer baby..."

If she said anything after that, I didn't hear it; I had been sucked into a black hole created by my mind to protect me, because this couldn't be happening…this wasn't real. Elena wasn't dying, I refused to believe it.

"You're lying..." I whispered softly.

"I wish I was -"

"LIAR!" The word tore its way out of my throat. It hurt to speak, fuck - it hurt to breathe, but I had to deny this, because it was unacceptable.

"Gerard - please stop this." My mother had tears in her eyes now, but I couldn't bring myself to care. She was hurting me with her lies, so it wasn't my fault it she was upset by my reaction.

"I know this is hard to hear, but -"

"Don't! Just don't! Don’t talk to me, don't even look at me!" A small part of me realized that I was acting completely irrationally, but something inside of me had snapped, and I had lost all sense of right and wrong.

Before I could give her an opportunity to feed me any more vulgar lies, I stormed out of the house, bypassing my car entirely. I couldn't sit in an enclosed vehicle right now, and in my mental state - I probably shouldn't be driving anyway, so I just kept walking, until that wasn't enough anymore, so I started running.

I ran until my breath came in painful gasps, and I couldn't continue my pace any longer because of the cramps in my legs, but I wanted to keep going. I still hadn't escaped my mother's words, and I hadn't distanced myself from the cold pit of fear that was slowly expanding in my gut; I could never run that far, but fuck - I wanted to try.


	36. Drinking by the mausoleum door

I ran for as long as I could before my legs gave out on me and I collapsed completely, but it wasn't enough, my mother's words were still chasing me relentlessly, and I needed to escape them somehow.

_Cancer...cancer...cancer..._

I needed to think of something else - anything else, but it was like that game little kids played, when they told you not to think of a pink elephant, but once someone had planted the idea in your head, it was impossible not to envision just that, no matter how hard you tried.

When I glanced at my surroundings, I didn't recognize a thing, I was well and truly lost, but I really didn't give a fuck, it would just make me harder to find, and that was just fine with me.

From what I could make out, I had stopped in a park of some sorts, it was small and the few swings and metal slide were rusted. An air of abandonment hovered about it, and it seemed as if no children had played here in quite some time, its existence completely forgotten by anyone but me.

Darkness was encroaching quickly; I must have ran for much longer than I was aware of, but my legs had stopped cramping a bit, so I pulled myself to my feet slowly, wandering in a random direction, trying to ascertain where I had ended up.

I wasn't ready to head home - not yet, because then I would have to face my mother, and even if I was, I had no idea how to get there, so I continued to walk aimlessly, glancing at the run down shops as I passed.

She just had to be lying, Grandma couldn't have cancer, but I knew my mother wouldn't play such a cruel joke on me, which meant it had to be true, but if I accepted that she wasn't just feeding me falsehoods, I would have to come to terms with the fact that Elena was truly dying.

The rational part of my mind was trying to reason with me; Grandma Elena was getting older, and if it wasn't this that killed her, old age would have done it eventually, and I should have been preparing myself for this inevitability a long time ago, but the thought hadn't even crossed my mind.

Grandma had always been the one constant thing in my life that I could depend on, whenever I had a problem, it was her I turned to for advice, and she never failed to say just the right thing to cheer me up.

But more importantly, it was always her that encouraged me to chase after my dreams, no matter how ludicrous they seemed at the time, and that meant more to me than words could ever say.

She had been there for me from the very beginning, dropping everything to help my mother raise Mikey and I when my dad had left, and she had become an integral part of our lives ever since.

It was her that I had spent the most time with after my stay at Laurel Hills, and I don't think I would have recovered half as well without her supportive presence. She was the one who comforted me when the urge to cut became overwhelming, the one who held me when I missed Frank so much I wanted to give up.

She had been the person who made me realize I could draw, the one who pushed me to attend art school, the one who told me to never get up on anything: not my aspirations to become an artist, not on Frank, and she had never let me down.

After I had moved out on my own, I saw her considerably less, but I knew she was always a phone call away if I needed her. She had become more of a mother to me than anything else, not that I begrudged my mom for not being there; she was an amazing woman who worked hard to support her sons, I just connected with Elena more for some reason.

Imagining life without her almost brought me to my knees with agony. I stumbled to a stop, trying to push all of my dark thoughts away, but for the first time in ages, I couldn't do it. The voices were overwhelming me with their intensity, as if their prolonged absence had only made them stronger upon their return.

_She doesn't deserve to die..._

_If anything it should be you..._

_You need to suffer..._

_You didn't even care enough to notice..._

And I couldn’t argue with them, because now that I thought about it, Grandma had been losing weight, even her skin had appeared more sallow the last time I had seen her, but I had brushed it all off, chalking it up to her increasing age, never once even considering that something could ever be wrong, because Elena was so strong, I always imagined her living into her hundreds.

The voices continued to assault me, making me desperate to do something - anything to shut them up, but what could I do, except for fall back into the bad habits I had struggled so hard to break?

I glanced up through tear stained lashes, only to discover that I had stumbled to a halt in front of a liquor store, as if the universe was providing me the answer to all of my problems in the form of a clear bottle of liquid which would silence the voices, at least for a little while.

I tried to resist - I really did. I stood outside of the glass door for ages, debating if I really wanted to go through with this, trying to list all of the reasons why this was a terrible idea in my head, but the voices drowned them out; they drowned out everything good in my life, and I found myself pushing open the tempting door, the bell above it tinkling happily, as if reassuring me that I had made the right decision.

I grabbed a random bottle of vodka from the display that greeted me as soon as I entered the small store, and within minutes I had purchased it, choosing to consume it back at the park I had discovered earlier. It had that air of emptiness that meant people didn’t frequently visit the place, and I wasn’t in the mood for anyone accidentally intruding on my downward spiral.

I sat down on the creaky swing, testing to make sure it would hold my weight first, and even though it released an alarming squeal when I settled into it heavily, it didn’t collapse on top of me at least.

I don't know how long I stayed in that position, staring down at the bottle in my hand, refusing to open it for just a little while longer, because maybe then I could convince myself to abandon this entire stupid plan before it was too late, but the opposite actually occurred.

The longer the bottle stayed sealed between my trembling fingertips, the stronger my desire to consume the entire thing became, because even though it wasn't a permanent solution - it was something, and I would have taken a blow to the head right now if it knocked me out.

But I couldn't do this...Frank would be so disappointed in me...and after he had been so brave and overcome so many of his own problems, how could I give in to mine so easily, was I really that pathetic?

I had to call him, then he would tell me that everything was going to be okay, he would be able to talk me out of this before I made a huge mistake. Honestly - I should have phoned him as soon as I ran away, but that would have involved explaining to him what was wrong, and I just couldn’t vocalize what my mother had told me, that would make it even more real, but I needed Frank right now.

When I reached into my pocket, I realized that I had left my cell phone in my mother’s house on the kitchen table…well so much for that solution.

I decided that if I couldn’t hear his voice, then I would try to picture him here instead. I tried my hardest to form an image of him in my mind: the way his nose crinkled up slightly when he smiled, the adorable way his hair flopped over his forehead - no matter how many times he brushed it away, his hazel eyes that were the most beautiful thing in the world to me, but just when it was almost fully formed, Frank disappeared in a wisp of smoke, only to be replaced by my grandma lying in a hospital bed, her face whiter than the sheets that covered her.

I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to erase the ghastly sight that had taken the place of Frank, but of course that didn't help, it only made it worse; because this was all inside my head, and closing my eyes had only helped shut out any distractions, making the vision of my grandmother stand out even more prominently.

I couldn't do this anymore, it was too much, so I twisted open the silvery cap that had been the only thing separating me from my old friend and gulped down a mouthful of the potent liquid, gagging slightly as it burned my throat. I hadn't had a drink in eight years, and I forgotten how it felt.

Almost instantaneously, I began to feel a little bit better, even though I was aware that it was impossible for the alcohol to kick in that quickly. Maybe it was just the fact that I knew I would be okay soon. In a few more minutes, I would be cocooned in a contented drunken state, where I could forget everything besides the fuzzy feeling that would flow through my veins.

I downed the bottle as quickly as possible, wanting to hasten the positive effects along, and even though every sip seared my mouth, I kept at it, because it would be worth it in the end.

Once the bottle was empty, the familiar signs that proved I was getting quite drunk began to hit me. A stupid smile stretched across my face for no particular reason, and I couldn't remember how I had gotten here, or why I had decided to drink in the first place, but I didn't really care, because I felt happy.

"Frank?" I called out loudly, wanting him here with me, so he could share in my joy.

"Baby?"

Hmm...maybe I wasn't being loud enough. If I stood up on that picnic table, maybe then he would hear me, and we could get drunk together. I heard that drunk sex was fun, maybe we could try that out.

Still clutching the empty bottle in my hands, I climbed to my feet unsteadily; the sudden movement causing the blood to rush to my head, magnifying my inebriated state. Taking small clumsy steps, I approached the splintered table, taking care not to prick myself as I climbed on top of it.

"Frankie!" I cupped my hands around my mouth, hoping to project my voice even farther with their help, but still there was no answer.

I spun around on my heel, because maybe Frank was hiding behind me in the trees, and his hearing was muffled by the sounds of the leaves and bugs and shit, but I moved too quickly, landing flat on my stomach instead, causing the bottle in my hand to splinter into thousands of glass shards.

"Fuck..." I hissed as I felt the slivers poke into my skin painfully.

I wanted to get up so I could continue searching for Frank. I needed him here for some reason, I couldn't recall exactly what the reason was, but I didn't really need one. I wanted Frank around all the time, even when nothing was wrong, but I couldn't seem to move. My head was spinning wildly, as if I was being swung around rapidly, even though I knew I was just lying there.

My stomach roiled violently, and I had to choke down the bile that was clogging my throat, because this shouldn't be happening already; I used to be able to drink numerous bottles of vodka before I got this intoxicated, but I had neglected to take into consideration the fact that I hadn't tasted a sip of anything alcoholic in eight years, and my tolerance had plummeted substantially.

It was too late to do anything about that now though, maybe I could just sleep it off. I was suddenly exhausted anyway, and this picnic table was a much comfier bed than it looked, so I shut my eyes wearily, hoping that Frank would be there when I woke up. I didn't like sleeping alone anymore, and I knew he didn't either.

He would come find me...I just knew it.


	37. Running away and hiding with you

**Frank's POV**

Work was dragging already, and I had barely made it through half of my shift. Don't get me wrong - I loved my job, but on slow days like this one, time dragged out impossibly, and I found myself in a staring match with the wall clock, willing it to move faster.

I had already put out all the new stock, I had even alphabetized the clearance records, and now there was nothing to do except for wait for a customer to show up. Well I guess I could dust, but I despised that chore, and I thought the books smelled better that way, the slight puff of dirt made them seem even older and more mysterious.

It was just Lindsey and I at work today, she was my boss, and for a manager she was really cool and laid back. She was sitting behind the counter with me, flipping through an old paperback she had picked up off the shelf about an hour ago.

"I'm so bored..." I sighed out, checking my phone to see if Gerard had texted me, but still no word from him. I was getting slightly worried, whatever his mom wanted to discuss with him had seemed serious, and he promised he would let me know what it was.

I pushed it to the back of my mind though, I'm sure they were just still talking, even though it had been over three hours since he had left for her house, but when Gerard and his mother got together, they could have an in depth conversation about pretty much anything.

"Then go do some work shorty," Lindsey retorted in a joking matter.

"I already did everything," I pouted sullenly.

"Oh I'm sure I could find something for you to do...like organize the storeroom," Lindsey grinned wickedly.

"You wouldn't..." I gasped out. Our storeroom was an absolute hell hole, it would take ten people to even be able to clear a path through there, much less actually sort through it all.

"Nah, I'm not that mean, but if you keep bitching than I might change my mind," Lindsey answered without looking up from the page she was on.

"Fine, I'll go take a break then, that counts as being productive in my book."

"Have fun killing your lungs," Lindsey waved as I stepped outside, preparing to do just that as I pulled a cigarette out of my pack. I didn't smoke nearly as much as I used to, but it was a hard habit to kick, especially when I was bored out of my mind, like right now.

I was about halfway through my smoke break when my phone began ringing loudly in my pocket. Pulling it out hastily, I smiled when I saw Gerard's name flashing across the screen.

"Hey baby," I grinned, putting out my cigarette so I could give him my full attention.

"Frank, this is Donna."

"Oh um...hi Mrs. Way, why are you calling from Gerard's phone?" I asked in a puzzled tone of voice.

"Honey, I - I don't know how to say this, but I need your help." My breath caught in my throat as I waited for her to continue speaking, but instead of words, a muffled sob tore out of her instead.

"Is this about Gerard? Is he okay?" I couldn't keep my panic at bay, but it was well founded. Why else would she be calling me unless it had to do with him?

"He disappeared Frank! He just took off, and I've been driving around looking for him for over an hour, but no one has seen him," she wailed softly.

"Okay...just calm down, I'll be there soon." I had a thousand and one things I wanted to ask her, but I could tell that I wasn't going to get many answers in the state she was in.

"Lindsey?" I shouted as soon as I reentered the book store.

"Hmm?" she grunted, her nose still buried in that book.

"I need to take off early, I'm so sorry, but my boyfriend kind of vanished, and his mom is flipping shit, and this isn't like him. I'll make it up to you - I promise," I stuttered out hastily, tripping over my words in the process.

"Don't worry about it, the shop is dead anyway, just go worry about Mr. Eye-candy," Lindsey winked at me as I gathered my stuff. She had taken a liking to Gerard since the first time she met him, constantly bemoaning the fact that all of the best guys were gay, taken, or in his case - both.

"Thank you so much, I owe you big time," I gushed, pulling her in for a quick hug before practically running out the door.

I quickly realized that Gerard had taken the car to his mom's house, which left me stuck on the corner, tapping my foot impatiently as I waited for the taxi I had called five minutes ago, as if that would somehow make it arrive faster.

When the yellow cab finally pulled to a stop in front of me, I hurled myself inside, rattling off the address to Gerard's mother's house in a shaky voice, because that five minutes of alone time with nothing but my thoughts for company had me considering every worst case scenario imaginable, and it would be a lie if I said I wasn't freaking out right now.

Because the last time this had happened, I had found Gerard bleeding out on the bathroom floor, and even though I knew he had come a long way since then, this entire situation was way too similar, and I could only pray that the outcome wouldn't be the same.

I pulled out my cell phone to call him, maybe he would answer for me, but as I reached for the redial button, I realized that his mother had his phone, which meant I had no way to get in touch with him,

The drive to Mrs. Way's place dragged on for ages, doing nothing to help my panicked state, and by the time we finally pulled up in front of her familiar house, I was on the verge of an anxiety attack. I pushed the symptoms away with sheer force of will, because Gerard was my main concern right now, and I had to stay strong for him.

Mrs. Way was sitting on the front porch waiting, wiping her eyes every few seconds, and from the red and puffy state of them, she had only recently gotten her tears under control. Seeing her in this condition only exacerbated my own worries.

"Frank honey, thank god you came so quickly," she choked out, standing up and approaching me as soon as she noticed me exiting the cab.

"You're fair is twenty-five bucks," the taxi driver spoke through the open window, holding his hand out impatiently.

I reached into my wallet, finding no cash, so I pulled out a credit card instead, but Mrs. Way beat me to it, handing the driver the appropriate amount of bills before I even had the chance to protest.

"You didn't have to do that," I told her, but it was too late to change anything now, the taxi had already pulled away from the curb and was disappearing down the empty street.

"It's my fault you had to take a cab out here, so I paid." She crossed her arms over her chest stubbornly, so I dropped the argument, I had more important things to focus on anyway.

"What happened with Gerard?" I asked warily, leading her inside so we could talk without prying neighbors listening in on our conversation.

"I called him over because I wanted to tell him something I had been hiding from him for a long time," Mrs. Way sighed heavily, and I knew she was pausing to try and hold back another wave of tears.

"What did you tell him?" I pressed gently when she remained silent for over a minute.

"His grandmother has been sick, for quite some time now. She has cancer, and I never told Gerard because I was so worried it would cause him to relapse, but now that he has you in his life, he seemed to be doing so much better, so I thought now would be a good time to break it to him."

"Oh god..." I gasped out, my hands flying up to cover my mouth.

Because Gerard's greatest fear - besides needles that is, is losing someone he is close to. He had confided in me one night about how terrible it had been not knowing what had happened to me, how it had almost ripped him apart if he dwelled on it for too long, and how he didn't think he would ever be able to go through something like that again.

And now it was happening, he was going to lose someone else, and not just anyone, but his grandmother; the ever constant light in his shadowy world was fading away, with no hope of a happy reunion sometime in the future, and without her, I was so frightened that Gerard would bury himself among the darkness.

"He screamed at me, told me I was a liar, and then he just took off running down the street. I thought he needed some time to clear his head, but when he didn't return, I went out looking for him, but I couldn't find any trace of him. I have no idea where he could be..." she trailed off with a sniffle.

"Which way did he go," I demanded perhaps a bit more harshly than I should have, but I was terrified for Gerard's safety. He had been left alone to wallow in his misery for hours, and nothing positive could come of that.

"He headed off in that direction, but he could be anywhere by now," she sighed dejectedly.

"Give me his keys, I'll call when I find him."

She handed me Gerard's car keys with shaking hands, which he had left on the counter, and I rushed out the door, throwing myself into his car and starting the engine as quickly as possible, which was far too slowly in my opinion.

I drove in the direction Mrs. Way had pointed me until the road forked and I stalled for a moment, trying to decide which way Gerard would have decided to take. Choosing the left turn, I continued on my way, the one which forked right curved around, eventually leading past his home again, so I guessed that he would have avoided that route.

I continued on like this for quite some time, stopping at random intervals to ask any passerby’s I came across if they had seen anyone bearing Gerard's resemblance, with varying results.

By the time night had begun to fall - making my search for Gerard even more difficult than it already was, I found myself in a run down side of town. The only people I saw quickly shied away from my headlights, and I wasn't brave enough to stop and ask them for help anyway.

My own fears were beginning to resurface, this was a dangerous area, and here I was, alone and more than a bit afraid. Each person I glimpsed reminded me of the grimy men my mother used to bring home, and even though I knew I was safe in my locked car, I felt terribly exposed.

But I couldn't give up, Gerard needed me, and I had searched everywhere else for him within a five mile radius. If he wasn't here, I would have to end my search - for tonight at least, and I wasn't ready to admit defeat just yet.

I glanced in each of the shops, hoping against all odds to spot a tangled mass of dark hair, but of course I didn't get that lucky.

I braked loudly when one of the signs caught my eye - a liquor store, and even though I wanted to believe that Gerard wouldn't have succumbed to this, some sixth sense was telling me to go inside and ask the teller if he had been there.

I parked illegally on the curb, but I wasn't going to be stopped there long, and I didn't have the time to search for a proper parking place anyway. If some cop managed to ticket me in the thirty seconds I would be inside, he deserved his commission for being so speedy.

Pushing open the glass door tentatively, I breathed a sigh of relief at the lack of customers. The only soul in the place was an older man reading a magazine behind the counter, and by the bored expression on his face, it had been a slow night, which hopefully meant he would remember if Gerard had been here recently.

"Um hey, can you help me?" I spoke up nervously.

"I don't ID if you have cash," the man grumbled sullenly, and I had to push away the urge to correct him on my age, but I knew my short stature worked against me, and it didn't even matter because I wasn't here to buy.

"No, actually I was just wondering if you had seen this man in here tonight?" I held out my phone, which was open to one of the numerous pictures of Gerard that I had filling my camera roll.

"Yeah he was here, maybe like two hours ago give or take?" the teller shrugged, obliviously to the fact that my heart had just flown up into my throat at my unexpected success.

"Did you see which way he went?" I pressed eagerly.

"Uh...he walked by the window heading down McCullock Avenue, but there isn't much down that street, just a nasty old park. Now are you going to actually buy something, because it's not in my job description to play twenty questions?" The man buried his face back into his magazine, but I was already sprinting out to the car, turning the wheel in the direction he had pointed me.

The park was only a few blocks away, but it was impossible to tell if anyone was there or not in the growing shadows, which meant I would have to get out of the car and search. My limbs were trembling at the thought of leaving the protection the metal frame provided, but I made myself exit the vehicle, forcing my shaking legs into motion; even if it was only an unsteady shuffle, at least I was moving.

I immediately clicked the flashlight app on my phone, surveying everywhere the light touched, but all I saw was a rusty swing set and a pitiful excuse for a slide. I forced myself to keep walking, my eyes darting back and forth rapidly, trying to calculate how long it would take for me to run back to the car in case I got mugged; wishing I owned a gun - or at least a pocket knife - so I could make a half assed attempt at fighting back if it came down to it.

My train of thought involving how I could possible take down an attacker with nothing but my cell phone was instantly broken when my small light illuminated a rickety picnic table in the corner of the park, but it wasn't the furniture that had caught my eye, but the person lying atop it.

"Gerard!" I tried to yell, but it came out as more of a squeak.

I rushed to his side, flinching when something crackled beneath the soles of my shoes. Glancing down, I noticed that shards of glass littered the sawdust surrounding the picnic table, reminding me of a similar scene in Gerard's kitchen so many years ago, but I quickly pushed it to the back of my mind, focusing on Gerard instead.

He lay face down on the hard wood, only the slight movement of his chest letting me know that he was still alive, and I had to force my mind not to relive old memories, blinking away the flashes of this same man eight years ago, lying on the bathroom floor instead of a picnic table.

"Baby...wake up." I turned him over gently, wincing at the numerous cuts that adorned his face and hands, courtesy of the glass that covered the surface of the table.

"Frankie?" he mumbled groggily.

I released a breath I hadn't been aware I had been holding. Hearing his voice was such a relief, I was almost brought to my knees with the intense rush of emotions.

"Come down from there love," I cooed softly while crouching down on the bench, being careful to avoid the sharp slivers of glass, so I could slip my arm around his shoulder and help him off his makeshift bed.

"I wanna sleep more..." he grumbled to himself, the stench of alcohol on his breath was so potent I had to stifle a gag.

"I know Gee, we can sleep more after I get you home okay?"

"Can we try drunk sex when get there? Pete says it's lots of fun," Gerard giggled like a school girl.

"Uh..." I was spared from answering when Gerard suddenly doubled over, throwing up violently all over the grass and my beat up converse. I held his hair back until he was finished, rubbing his shoulders gently in between heaves. I was relieved that he was expelling all the liquor from his system, there would be less chance of him getting alcohol poisoning that way.

"Sorry Frankie," he coughed hoarsely, wiping his mouth with a shaky hand.

"It's okay Gee, let's just get you in the car. Your mom and I have been so worried."

"I don't want to see my mom..." His face fell as soon as I mentioned her, and he planted his feet, stubbornly refusing to take another step.

"Why not baby?" I stopped trying to get him to continue walking, because even drunk off his ass, Gerard was stronger than me.

"She told me bad things...and I don't want to hear anymore." He sunk down onto the grass, curling into a ball as if that would protect him from his mother's words.

"It will be okay Gee, I will be with you this time, and you don't have to talk to her until you are ready," I assured him, hoping my words would be enough to convince him to get up off the cold ground.

"Promise?" He looked so much like a child in this moment, with his bottom lips sticking out in a slight pout and his puppy dog eyes staring up at me.

"I promise."

Much to my relief, he allowed me to pull him to his feet, and he made it the rest of the way without any objections.

"Just lay down in the back, try and get some rest okay?" I told him as I opened the car door, and he quickly obliged, snuggling up on the car seat as a yawn made his jaw crack.

As I started the car, I pulled out my cell phone, dialing his mother's number quickly.

"Did you find him?" her panicked voice asked. She hadn't even taken one full ring to pick up, which meant she must have been waiting by the phone for god knows how long.

"Yeah I did. He's drunk off his ass and a little bit cut up, but he's okay. I'm heading back to your house now," I informed her.

"Oh thank god, you are a lifesaver Frank."

"I'll see you soon." I ended the call rapidly, wanting to focus on driving since I wasn't the best multi-tasker.

I glanced back at Gerard often, he had fallen asleep before I had even made it two blocks, but I had to constantly check and make sure he was still breathing. I had known kids in New York that had drank so much, they had passed out and died, the rest of us too busy partying to even notice until the next day, and even though I didn't think Gerard was in quite that bad a state, I had to make sure his chest was still rising and falling normally.

It broke my heart to see him this way. Even in high school, I had never witnessed him truly drunk. I knew it happened from time to time, but never when I was around. He seemed so fragile right now, all of his defenses were stripped away, and I was overcome with the intense desire to protect him.

I should have been pissed at him, but I couldn't muster up that particular emotion when it came to Gerard. He was hurting badly, and my anger wouldn't help him at all, and as much as I wished he had turned to me instead of running away, I understood the decision he had made, even if I didn't approve of it.

I swore to myself that I wouldn't let him relapse again though. He had been doing so well, and I wasn't going to let this one mistake lead him back down that slippery slope.

"I love you baby," I whispered softly, even though I knew he was fast asleep, and there was no way he was going to hear me, I said it anyway; because I did - I loved him more than life itself, and I felt the need to vocalize it, even if no one else heard it but me.


	38. We were born to lose

**Gerard's POV**

_"Is he awake yet?"_

_"No he's still knocked out..."_

_"Well I have to go pick up Elena from the hospital, I will be back in a bit. Will you be okay by yourself?"_

_"Stop worrying, I won't burn the house down while you are gone."_

I was residing in a state of semi-awareness in which I could hear what was happening around me, but I didn't seem to possess the ability to open my eyes and participate in the proceedings, or even move for that matter, probably because I felt like I had been run over by a truck.

The voices faded away before I could find the strength to get up and tell them that I was in fact awake, and slightly functioning at least. I heard a door open and close somewhere, so I assumed whoever it was had vacated the room, and I would be left alone to sleep for a little while longer.

I felt the bed dip down with an added weight, well I assumed it was a bed - it sure felt like one, but besides that single fact I had managed to deduce, I had no idea where I was. Last night was a blur, the final thing I remembered was being in a park...with a bottle of vodka.

"Ugh..." I groaned softly, both at the memories that were now pouring back, and at the pounding headache that was currently assaulting me.

"Baby? You awake?" Frank's voice filled my ears, and even though I was ecstatic to have him here beside me, because I really didn’t want to be left alone when I felt so terrible, it seemed as if he was speaking through a megaphone, and the added volume didn't help my aching head one bit.

"Hurts..." Well apparently I had forgotten how to form coherent sentences, but Frank seemed to understand what I meant instantly.

"There is water and aspirin on the dresser when you are ready to sit up," he informed me in a softer tone of voice.

"I love you..." I mumbled, but even though I could talk, movement still seemed too big of an obstacle to tackle.

"I love you too." I could hear the smile in his voice, and I decided to attempt to open my eyes so I could witness it for myself, but that turned out to be a terrible idea. The bright sunlight pouring into the room seared my corneas, so I immediately squeezed my lids shut again.

"Frank...what happened last night? I remember a little bit, but not everything." I decided to try and fill in some of the gaps in my memory before I attempted any kind of motion again.

"We don't have to talk about this right now love, we can wait until you are feeling better."

"I fucked up didn't I?" I pressed, guilt lacing my words.

"No Gee, don't think like that. It was just a slip up, that's all." I felt Frank's comforting arms slip around my waist, and I snuggled into them gratefully.

"I'm so sorry...I didn't mean too, I just snapped." I couldn't understand how Frank wasn't furious with me. I had taken off and gotten wasted, and if Frank had done the same thing to me, I wouldn't be reacting so well.

"I know love, it's okay."

"Where am I?" I asked after managing to crack my eyes open again, observing the unfamiliar floral wallpaper and blue bed spread that definitely did not belong in my room.

"Your mom's guest room."

"Oh...how did I end up here?" I sat up slowly, only so I could down the water and pills that were awaiting me on the bedside dresser before lying back down again.

"I brought you here, your mom was worried, and I didn't want to drive you all the way home in the state you were in," Frank informed me, shifting slightly on the bed to try and find a more comfortable position.

"Oh...is she here? I questioned warily.

"Not right now, she went to go pick up your grandma at the hospital." I felt Frank tense up slightly, and I knew he was worried about how I would react at the mention of Elena.

"Oh god..." I gasped out, trying to fight the roiling nausea that suddenly overtook me. I wasn't sure if it was because of my binge drinking last night, or the reminder of how sick my grandmother was - it was probably a combination of both anyway.

"You okay baby?" Frank placed a hand on my forehead, but I threw it off, stumbling to my feet so I could make a mad dash for the bathroom.

I made it in the nick of time, falling to my knees before I proceeded to throw up messily in the toilet. I hated this so much, it had been so long since I had woken up feeling this way, and it wasn't something I wanted to relive anytime soon.

Frank joined me in the bathroom not long after, but I didn't get up off the floor just yet. I wasn't one hundred percent sure if I was done getting sick, so I might as well stay here for now.

"Oh Gee..." Frank sighed, sitting down beside me on the uncomfortable tile.

"I'm so sorry Frank," I apologized again in a raspy voice. My throat stung from the bile coating it, but I was too weak to get up and rinse out my mouth.

"Stop saying that, no one is mad at you." Frank pulled me into his arms, and I rested against his chest with a soft sigh.

"I just feel like such an idiot..." And I really did now that I was sober, I shouldn't have lost control like that, but at the time it seemed the only logical thing to do.

"Gerard you need to stop beating yourself up. You made a mistake - it happens, but I love you, and I will always be here to pick you up when you fall."

"You came and found me didn't you?" I asked softly, because I recalled a fuzzy picture of Frank trying to pull me to my feet in the park, and for some reason I was curled up in a ball on the ground.

"Of course I did," Frank answered, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Thank you." It wasn't enough, but I didn't know what else to say besides those two simple words.

I don’t know how long we sat there in silence except for the occasional sounds of me getting sick again, which were not pleasant, but eventually the sound of the front door opening interrupted our moment of solitude. I pulled myself to my feet with a groan, helping Frank up as well once I had regained my footing. I quickly rinsed out my mouth with tap water from the sink, removing the vile taste from my tongue.

"I guess I need to go face my mom now..." I sighed to myself.

"You don't have to do anything you don't want to." Frank slid his hand into my own, offering me comfort in the form of skin on skin contact.

"I think I just want to get it over with, putting it off won't make it any easier in the end, and I have you with me now." I smiled down at Frank, because I knew talking about this would be easier to bear with his supportive presence by my side.

Even with my newfound confidence, I found it harder than it should have been to exit the relative privacy of the bathroom, and my legs began to shake underneath me as I entered the kitchen where my mother and grandma sat around the table.

Before I even had a chance to speak, my grandmother pushed herself to her feet, and instead of pulling me in for a hug like I thought she would, she slapped me hard on the shoulder. Even though it didn't really hurt, it caught me by surprise.

"Gerard Arthur Way, I swear if you do something like that again I will track you down myself, and you will wish I had never found you," she huffed out angrily, but a sheen of tears clouded her bright eyes, and I felt terrible for worrying her, and everyone else for that matter.

"I know...I'm so sorry."

"Just don't do it again young man. Even if I die, I will come back and haunt you, and you don't want to deal with a pissed off ghost version of me." She sat back down with a flourish, discreetly wiping her eyes in the process.

"How can you joke about this grandma?" I asked as I joined her at the table. Frank declined a seat, instead choosing to hover over me like a worried parent.

"Because Gerard, I have accepted it, and it is a part of life. I know this is all new to you, and maybe we were wrong to keep my condition hidden from you for so long, but there is nothing we can do to change that now, and you need to realize that this isn't the end of the world." She patted my hand softly to lessen the sting of her words, but it did nothing to soothe the gaping hole in my heart that was threatening to devour me whole.

"I just can't imagine life without you..." I mumbled softly.

"I know honey - I do, but you will have so many people to help you along the way, and I will never truly leave you."

"Why were you in the hospital yesterday?" I asked warily, not really sure if I wanted to know the answer or not.

"It was just for my regular chemo treatment. I am fighting this, and I am nowhere near dead yet, so don't you start acting like I am already at heaven’s door okay?" I tried to crack a smile for her sake, but it fell flat, and it came out as more of a twist of my lips than anything else.

"How are you feeling honey?” my mother interjected nervously.

"I've been better..."

“Do you want to…I don’t know - ask any questions? I am sure you have a few for the both of us.”

“I really don’t want to talk about this right now,” I whispered quietly, because even though I had been hopeful that I could make it through this discussion with Frank by my side, now that it was actually happening, I just felt nauseous and scared. I wasn’t ready to lay this out in words that I would never be able to forget, not yet anyway.

"Well why don't you two head home and get some rest, we can talk about this more at a later time okay?" she suggested, and I nodded my head in agreement.

"I'm sorry again for worrying you...I shouldn't have done that." I stood up so I could pull my mother into a hug, which she readily accepted.

"Just come back and visit soon okay?" she asked in a shaky voice.

"Of course, I will be over here so often you will be sick of me," I chuckled hoarsely, even though I really wanted to burst into tears, because now that I knew of Elena’s condition, every moment I spent with her could be our last, and even though that was the case with everyone if you really thought about it, this was different, and I didn’t know how to deal with this gnawing pain in my gut that erupted every time I looked at her.

"Try not to worry too much Gerard," Elena chided me gently before pressing a kiss to my cheek.

"I'll do my best," I promised, even though I was unsure how capable I was of following through on my words.

With a final wave to my family, Frank and I made our way out to the car, and I breathed a sigh of relief as soon as I stepped outside. That was the first time in years that I hadn't felt comfortable around my mother and grandma, but I needed some time to pull my thoughts together before I had this discussion with them. I didn't want to break again, and I knew I would have if I had stayed much longer.

I climbed into the car numbly, and Frank took my obvious hint that I didn’t want to drive - or talk for that matter, so he started the car and turned up the radio, giving me the space I so desperately needed.

"I'm proud of you." Frank broke the relative silence we had been in out of the blue. We were about halfway home at this point, and I turned to him with a puzzled look on my face. I was glad he had spoken up though, my thoughts had not been taking a positive turn, and his voice was a welcome distraction right now.

"How can you say that? I fucked up...big time, not to mention the fact that I am a coward that can't even face the fact that my grandma is...sick...I mean look at me, I can barely even say it without wanting to throw up," I spat out angrily. I was ashamed of my childish behavior, I had thought I was better than this, but when push came to shove, I had taken the easy way out yet again.

"That's not the way I see it," Frank informed me, glancing away from the road for one second so he could meet my eyes.

"You're just biased," I muttered sullenly.

"I'm serious Gerard, it wasn't like you flipped shit because of something minor, this is a big fucking deal, and no one blames you for reacting the way you did."

"I just wish I was stronger..." I spoke more to myself than Frank, but of course he heard me.

"But you are Gee, you have overcome so much, and you will get through this too, and this time, you won't do it alone, because I will be there with you every step of the way, and when your strength gives out, you can lean on me for a while." Frank smiled as he spoke, and I felt my own grin spread across my face.

"What did I ever do to deserve you?" I giggled quietly.

"I am quite a prize." Frank flipped his hair out his face dramatically, and I exploded into a fit of laughter.

"I think I need to talk to Dr. Stump soon though..." I admitted once my fit of mirth had ebbed.

"I think that would be a good idea," Frank agreed, because he knew I hadn't been to see my therapist in quite some time. I hadn't really felt the need to since everything had been going so well in my life recently, but right now I wanted to talk about this with someone who wasn't directly involved in the situation, maybe it would help me gain some much needed perspective.

I threaded my fingers through Frank's free hand as he continued to drive, basking in the fact that I had the most perfect boyfriend in the world, and I knew that no matter how bad things got, I would always have Frank to drag me back to the surface.

He wouldn't let me drown in my sorrows, and I needed him more than ever right now, and by the way he gently squeezed my hand at random intervals, he was aware of that fact, and more than willingly to help me through this; reminding me with a simple touch that he was always going to be there for me.


	39. So get me out of my head

"Hey Gerard, long time no see," Dr. Stump greeted me when I stepped into his office nervously.

"Yeah..." I stammered out, taking a seat in the cushy chair in front of his desk.

"So how are things - everything going okay with Frank?" he asked casually. That was one of the reasons I loved Dr. Stump, he remembered everything I told him, even if I hadn't been to see him in ages, and he was easy to talk to, even though I wasn't sure how he could help me with my current dilemma.

"Yeah everything is perfect with him, he has a job now and he's been clean for months," I smiled proudly.

"That's amazing," Dr. Stump exclaimed happily.

"Yeah it really is," I trailed off awkwardly, not quite sure how to bring up the fact that I didn't have a perfect track record anymore.

"So if everything is going so well with him, why did you ask to come see me today?" he pressed gently, and I swallowed hard, trying to force the words past the growing lump in my throat.

"It's my grandma...she's sick...with cancer." That was the first time I had actually managed to say the hateful word that I had been trying so hard to avoid.

"And this is the grandmother you are close to I assume?" Dr. Stump pressed me gently.

"Yeah...I don't even know my other grandma, I can't even remember if I ever met her, and it wouldn't matter anyway; if my dad didn't want to be a part of our lives, then she wouldn't either."

"When did you find this out?" Dr. Stump continued to question me, and I needed the prodding because this will still hard to talk about.

"Just last week, but apparently she has been sick for a long time, years actually." I still couldn't believe I had been clueless the entire time, and even though I understood why my mother chose to keep this information from me, I wished she hadn't, because then I would have had eight years to deal with this knowledge, instead of trying to process it all in the span of a week.

"How did you react when you found out?" I sighed loudly, but I knew I had to tell him, or this whole session would be pointless.

"I ran away, I just stormed out of my mom's house and took off. I ended up on a shitty side of town and...I drank again. Actually I got completely shit faced. I passed out in a random park, Frank had to come find me and bring me home." I hung my head in shame, not wanting to meet Dr. Stump's eyes.

“Why did you turn back to alcohol when you haven’t touched it in so long?” His tone wasn’t patronizing or condescending, like most people's would be, instead it was simply curious.

“I didn’t want to believe what my mother had told me, I wanted to pretend like everything was fine, because it wasn’t, fuck - it felt like everything was crumbling down around me, so I thought if I could forget, even just for a little while, I would be okay. I realize now that it was a stupid idea, but I panicked, and I wish I could take it back, but I can’t…”

"Have you drank since that night?"

"No, and I don't want to. I hate the way I can't seem to control myself when I drink, and I don't want Frank to have to see me like that ever again." And I really didn't, even though I was terrified by the thought of losing Elena, I didn't want to spiral out of control, not when I had been doing so well.

"I'm proud of you Gerard," Dr. Stump informed me, but I just scoffed rudely.

"Frank said the same thing, and I don't understand why. I fucked up, I'm pathetic. I mean look at me...I am a twenty-five year old who is acting like a child. You shouldn't be complimenting me."

"Have the voices come back Gerard?" His question caught me off guard, because they had, but the fact that he picked up on it so quickly startled me.

"Yeah...how did you know?"

"You only talk about yourself in such a negative way when they are present, and you forget that I have known you for eight years, I can tell when something is wrong better than you can."

"Oh." I shrugged my shoulders slightly.

"You just need to remember that what they are telling you isn't true. This is the first time in your life that you have been subjected to a potential death, and that is a very scary thing to face. Everyone deals with it differently, so I am not going to tell you what to do, or how you should be acting, but I don't want your depression to return because of this."

"I don't either...that's why I came, but I'm so afraid that it will. I mean - I am already about to break and she is still with us, how am I going to survive when she is gone?" I needed him to tell me how to save myself, and even though I was aware that he didn't have a magic cure for this pain, I wanted to believe that he did.

"If it does come to that, you just can't let your mind overwhelm you. Don't close yourself away like you did in high school. Reach out for help, tell people how you are feeling. I know Frank and your mother would do anything for you, and if you need it, I can prescribe antidepressant pills for you as well, but you have been doing so well without them that I hope it doesn't come to that."

"I don't want to lose her...I'm not ready."

"We never are, and it sucks, death isn’t something that is ever easy to bear, no matter when it comes, but it is a part of life, and it makes everything more precious, because if we lived forever, we wouldn't appreciate what we have nearly as much. I'm sure that isn't helpful to you at all, but this is one of those situations where words can't fix everything, but if it means anything at all to you, I am sorry." Dr. Stump clasped me on the shoulder reassuringly, and a small smile stretched across my face.

"Thanks, and it actually did help a little bit."

"Well our time is up for today, but come back and see me if things get any worse okay?" Dr. Stump stood up from behind his desk and I copied his motions.

"I will, hopefully it won't, but I have a feeling I will be back here soon." I grimaced to myself.

"It will be okay in the end Gerard, I know it doesn't seem that way right now, but trust me, this is coming from someone who knows." I wanted to ask him who he had lost, but I could tell from the look on his face that he didn't want to discuss it, which didn't exactly give credence to his words.

"Okay...I'll be sure to call you soon." I waved at Dr. Stump before exiting his small office and heading toward where Frank had parked the car. He had insisted on driving me to this appointment, and I couldn't deny him such a simple thing, especially when I knew he was worried I might take off again.

As I approached the car, I smiled to myself when I caught sight of Frank. He had leaned the seat back, and I could hear him blaring music from here; he was air drumming along to it dramatically, and he looked so fucking adorable right now that I just wanted to kiss him senseless.

He sat up when I opened the car door, gracing me with a smile before turning the music down to a more suitable volume for conversation.

"Hey baby, how did it go?"

"Okay I guess, I didn't have a mental breakdown, so that's something." I tried to laugh, but it fell flat.

"What did Dr. Stump have to say? You don't have to tell me if you don't want to," Frank assured me as he started the car and pulled out of the parking lot.

"He was just worried about me, and he told me to come back if anything gets worse. He said a lot, but basically I realized that there is nothing anyone can say, or do, that is going to make this all go away. Even when I lost you, I knew that you were still out there, and I never gave up hope that I would find you again eventually, but this is different."

"It is...and I wish it wasn't, more than anything I want to take this all away from you, but I can't," Frank sighed heavily.

"You being here is helping more than you know." I didn't want to burden Frank with this, but fuck - I needed him, and I had no chance of making it through this unscathed without him.

"I'm here for you love, don't ever forget that," Frank whispered quietly, and my heart swelled at his words.

"I won't," I promised.

Because how could I ever forget after everything he had already done for me; from tracking me down when I lost all control, to coordinating his work schedule with my schooling so I wouldn’t be alone more than absolutely necessary, and even to simple things like this, just driving me to my appointment and letting me know he was right outside if I needed him meant the world to me.

Deep down though, I was frightened that it wouldn’t be enough, even with Frank’s constant support. I was on the tipping edge of falling back into my depression, and the scales were not weighted in my favor. I couldn’t tell Frank how close I was to falling though - not yet, I could hold my head above water for a little bit longer at least.

I just wanted everything to go back to the way it was before I knew about this, back when I was happy, back when I thought I would never suffer like this again. I knew that wasn’t a realistic expectation, everyone goes through ups and downs in their lives, but I had already been through so much, and even though I had recovered - mostly, I didn’t realize how truly cracked my foundation was until just now.

It left me to wonder if I would ever really be mentally healthy, because it had taken me eight years to bounce back from the horrors of my high school years, and I didn’t know if I could do that again, or if Frank would put up with me for that long.

But I didn’t want to waste time pondering what ifs right now, it wasn’t helping anything, and I needed to enjoy every moment I had left in which Elena was still living, and I wouldn’t let my own troubles take away from her. She was the true victim here - not me, even if I was acting like one, and I wanted to focus on the good while I was still able to.


	40. I choose defeat

**Frank's POV**

"Mikey please come over...he won't get up. I've tried everything, and I'm really at a loss here," I begged, pressing the phone against my ear as I exited the room, not wanting to have Gerard overhear me talking about him.

"I will be there soon, just hang on okay? I don't know if I will be able to get any more results than you have, but worst case we can drag him to the viewing," Mikey responded in a tired tone of voice. I truly felt bad for turning to him for help, but I had no other friends I could ask, especially not in this situation, so Mikey was my only option.

"I don't want to do that to him," I sighed out loudly.

"We may not have a choice Frank; look I have to hang up, Mom is calling, but I will swing by in about an hour."

I didn't get a chance to respond before a short beep went off, letting me know that Mikey had ended the phone call. I groaned loudly, because I didn't want to have to face this alone for another minute - much less an hour, but I had no choice, and I was just going to have to attempt to get Gerard dressed and ready on my own.

I thought he had been getting better; he seemed to have figured out a way to cope with his grandmother’s illness, and even though he didn't open up to me very much about how he was truly feeling, he had seemed like his normal self for the most part.

It helped that Elena lived for much longer than the doctors had expected; her diagnosis hadn't been positive after the last round of chemo, but she had fought on for six months more than they had predicted, and Gerard had spent almost every spare moment he had with her during that time.

But the inevitable had happened, as we all knew it would, and of course I was at work when Gerard had gotten the call from his mother, so I wasn’t there to help him process the fact that his grandmother had finally passed away, and I had no idea if I had missed out on a crucial opportunity in which I could have prevented him from falling into this state.

When Mikey texted me with the news, I had expected Gerard to already be rushing to the hospital with the rest of his family to say his final goodbyes, but when I had returned home because of Mikey’s continued messages that said he couldn’t get in contact with his brother, I found Gerard curled up on the kitchen floor with silent tears streaming down his face.

It was only then that I realized that Gerard had been in denial this entire time, and that the reason he was functioning so well previously was that he was pretending like nothing was wrong, and now that Elena was truly gone, his fragile fantasy had shattered into a million pieces, destroying Gerard in the process.

I was determined to piece him back together, no matter how long it took, but I didn't know how to do that when he didn't respond to anything I said or did. I tried everything: from comforting words, to raising my voice, to ignoring him - well pretending to actually, but literally nothing worked.

That had been a week ago, and Gerard had been unresponsive the entire time. He refused to budge out of his bed, he only ate when I forced him to, and no matter how hard I pleaded, he wouldn't speak to anyone: not his mother, not Mikey, not even me.

I hadn't been to work ever since I found him that way, I was too nervous to leave him alone, just in case he tried something, even though he had showed no signs of moving any time soon. Lindsey had hired another worker to help cover my shifts, and she had reassured me that my position would still be available whenever I could return, but I missed the activity that having a job provided already, and as much as I loved Gerard, being cooped up all day with no one but his comatose form for company was taking its toll on me.

Luckily Gerard had graduated from art college already, so that was one less thing I had to worry about, because there was no way I would have been able to get him to go to class - much less actually pay enough attention to pass his exams, but that was literally the only positive thing I could think of right now, everything else had gone to shit.

I was at my wits end with his steadfast refusal to function, because Elena's viewing was today, and Gerard didn't seem to care; he just rolled over and ignored me when I had pleaded with him to get up - for her sake if not mine, which had led me to call Mikey in desperation.

I was trying so hard to be there for Gerard, but he continually shoved me away, and I felt more like a parent than a boyfriend right now, and I hated the feeling of helplessness that was my new constant companion.

I refused to give up on him though, because I told him I wouldn't, I promised that I would be there for him, and even though he continually rejected my offers to help him through this, I would just have to force him to accept the hand I was holding out to him - he would have to take it eventually.

And there was no way I was letting him miss his grandmother’s viewing, even if I had to dress him myself, because although he didn't want to go in his current state, he would regret it in the future, and I knew Mikey wasn't kidding about dragging him into the car if need be.

I decided to start a shower before I attempted to force Gerard out of bed, he hadn't bathed all week, and I wasn't about to let him go out in public smelling like a hobo. Once the water was warming up nicely, I padded over to our room, trying to hold back tears at the sight of Gerard lying there listlessly, eyes wide open but not really seeing anything.

"Gee…you have to get up, Mikey is going to here in one hour, and I'm pretty sure you don't want your brother to help you shower," I commanded in a stern tone. I didn't get a response, but I hadn't really been expecting one.

Sighing heavily, I grabbed Gerard by his arm, wincing slightly when I felt the bones protruding through his thin wrist. I hadn't been able to get him to eat nearly enough, and I was going to have to check him into a hospital if this viewing didn't shock him back to his senses, even though I really didn't want to subject Gerard to that.

He didn't fight me when I dragged him out of the bed, but he didn't help either as I stripped him of his sweaty t-shirt and his boxers before taking his hand and walking into the bathroom, while he trailed behind me like a lost dog. I hated seeing him this way…so despondent and devoid of life. This wasn't the man I fell in love with, and I missed the old Gerard so much it ached.

"Get in Gee." I motioned toward the shower as if my point hadn't been clear, but he wasn't even looking at me, instead his eyes were glued to the floor, and he made no move to get under the running water.

I groaned under my breath at his stubbornness, but I had actually gotten him out of bed, and I wasn't stopping at that one success. I quickly stripped myself of my own clothes before stepping into the shower, tugging Gerard behind me, making sure that he didn't trip stepping over the lip of the tub on the way in.

Gerard was like a robot moving on autopilot, and any task besides walking seemed to be too much for him, so I took it upon myself to wash him with soap and shampoo his hair, knowing that Mikey would be no help in this matter anyway, so I might as well get it over with.

Gerard made no sign to indicate that he knew I was there, and that fucking hurt. Even though I was trying not to focus on myself right now, it was becoming harder to push down the thought that maybe Gerard just didn't want me here at all, and he would be happier left alone to wallow in his own filth.

I finished rinsing us off quickly, because I felt tears pricking my eyes every time they met Gerard's blank ones, and I knew that I was going to begin crying in another minute if I didn't focus on something else, and I couldn't let that happen, because once I started, I knew I wouldn't be able to stop. I hadn't cried once this entire week, because I had to be strong for Gerard, but I had no one to help support me right now, and I could feel my resolve slowly crumbling.

"Come on...let's get dressed," I spoke softly as I toweled off Gerard's long black hair. I don't know why I kept talking to him, because it was pointless trying to get a response out of him. I guess I was just tired of the constant silence I had been living in over the past week, and even the chatter from the television didn't fill the void that was left by Gerard's voice.

I literally had to force each article of Gerard's black suit onto his body, and it was much more difficult than I thought it would be. Of course he refused to help in any way whatsoever, leaving me to wonder where he was in his head, and if he had any idea what was happening in the real world or not.

When I was finished dressing him, I moved on to myself, and I was just knotting both of our ties when the buzzer rang out loudly in the quiet air, alerting me that Mikey had finally arrived.

"Thank god," I muttered under my breath as I headed to the front door. It helped to have another functioning person in the house with me. Being alone with Gerard was exhausting, and I was craving human interaction more than I had realized.

"Hey Frank." Mikey stood in the entranceway awkwardly. Ray was with him as well, and they were both dressed in black suits that were almost identical to mine.

"I have missed you guys." I smiled for the first time all week, pulling Mikey into a quick embrace.

"I know...I'm sorry we haven't been coming around as often, things are just so crazy with planning the funeral and trying to cheer mom up."

"It's fine, really it is." I waved off Mikey's apologies, because he had enough on his plate as it was, and I knew he was trying his best to balance everything without the help of his older brother.

"How is he?" Mikey asked warily, looking around the living room as if expecting to see Gerard up and about, even though I had informed him previously of his condition.

"Not good, but I managed to get him showered and dressed, so that's something." I shrugged my shoulders tiredly once I realized that we still had to tackle the problem of actually getting Gerard to the viewing.

"Where is he?" Ray asked quietly, and I pointed toward the bedroom in response.

I heard Ray gasp softly, but I wasn't surprised to see Gerard back under the covers when I reentered our room. That had been his usual position for the past week, and I knew when I left him alone that he would end up back there sooner or later.

"Gerard - get up...please? Mikey and Ray are here."

Gerard simply flipped over so he was facing the wall, and I was forced to pull him out of bed again, making him sit on the edge of the mattresses so I could run a comb through his tangled hair.

"Oh god - this is just like before," Mikey whispered so quietly I wasn't sure if I had heard him correctly.

"Hmm?" I mumbled while fighting with an unruly tangled.

"When you first - uh - stopped calling, he went into a state like this. He was in Laurel Hills at the time, but he literally wouldn't move; he refused to speak, he wouldn’t do anything. He was like that for a month, maybe longer..." Mikey trailed off at the end, and I could see tears shimmering in his eyes.

"A month? I don't know if I can do this Mikey - I was thinking about checking him into a hospital or something after today. I mean look at him, he's so pale and thin, I can barely get any food down him, and even though he hasn't tried to self-harm or drink, he is going to kill himself if he keeps this up." My voice ended in a wail, because I really didn't think I would make it that long, not without having a mental breakdown of my own.

"I know Frank - you are being so brave, and I can't thank you enough for being here for Gerard, but I think you are right. He needs professional help, and none of us can provide that." Mikey wiped his eyes hastily, and I found myself doing the same.

"I'm just so worried that he will hate me when he wakes up - or whatever. He despises those places, and I feel like I should be able to fix him, and I'm a failure for not being able to help him more," I admitted, hanging my head in shame, trying to control my rapid breathing patterns, because actually talking about the possibility of sending Gerard away was making me dizzy, and I felt like I might be sick at any moment.

"Frank - listen to me. You are not any of those things. For all we know, you are the only reason Gerard is still breathing right now. It's no one’s fault that he can't pull out of this, and he will forgive you, because you are just trying to do what's best for him." Mikey clasped my shaking hands in his, trying to calm me down, because he knew the signs of my anxiety attacks, and this was usually how one started.

"Okay - let's just get him through the viewing and the funeral, then I will call Dr. Stump and have him...admitted somewhere," I managed to choke out.

"It's going to be okay Frank." Mikey put his arms around my shoulders, and I leaned into him gratefully.

But I was so terrified that it wasn't going to be okay, because without Gerard, I would be alone again, and I didn't know how I would handle life without his comforting presence by my side, and even though he wasn't really with me right now, it would be so much more difficult when he was sent away entirely.

I knew I was being selfish, but I needed Gerard, he was everything to me, and I never imagined that we would ever be separated again, especially not like this...


	41. Wake up

**Frank's POV**

The viewing passed without incident; Gerard didn't speak a word the entire time, but he actually followed me around without me having to drag him by the hand everywhere, which I counted as an improvement. Mikey had been pushing me to take him to the hospital tonight, but I didn't want him to miss the funeral tomorrow, so I had refused.

We were lying in bed now, and I couldn't sleep because of all the worries running through my head. I really didn't want to have to send Gerard away, but what else could I do? I obviously wasn't doing enough to help him, and maybe a professional could succeed where I hadn't.

But what if they couldn't - what if he only got worse? I knew therapy had helped him before, but this was different. He wasn't cutting or drinking anymore, he had just given up, and I didn't think spending his days in a dreary hospital surrounded by strangers was going to encourage him to snap out of this.

I wanted to be able to save him - I wanted to be enough for him to try and keep living. My failure to drag him out of this made me feel worthless. Maybe I wasn't doing enough for him - or even worse - maybe he didn't love me enough to bother with me.

"Baby?" I whispered softly, not really expecting any response; I just wanted to distract myself so I would stop overthinking everything, so I was shocked when Gerard actually opened his eyes.

It physically hurt me to see all the pain condensed in his gaze; I could sense the torment in his hazel irises, and it threatened to break me. I didn't want him to feel this way, but I couldn't bring his grandmother back to life and make this all magically better.

"Can you say something Gee?" I decided to press my luck; because this was the most I had been able to get out of him all week, but he stayed silent, and I repressed my sigh of malcontent from escaping my lips.

"Just try and get some rest okay?" I whispered out, giving up on my slim hope that he would talk to me tonight. I gathered him into my arms and eventually drifted off to the sound of his steady breathing.

\-------------------------------------------

Gerard was surprisingly cooperative the next morning, he even helped me slightly when it came down to the task of dressing him. He still wouldn't do it himself, but he moved his arms and legs so I didn't have to wrestle his clothes onto him this time, and I didn't have to call Mikey for help. Gerard walked on his own to the car, and he even buckled his seat beat without me doing it for him.

So I headed into the church with a lighter mood than the somber occasion probably called for, but I couldn't help thinking that these tiny improvements meant that Gerard was trying to get better for me so I wouldn't have to hospitalize him.

I had never actually been to a funeral before, so the entire proceeding was strange to me. I felt slightly out of place, because even though I had known and loved Elena, I hadn't been anywhere near as close to her as half of these people. Watching them cry and console each other was difficult, because I never knew what to say in situations like this, so I remained in the background, keeping an eye on Gerard, who hadn't moved from the pew in the front row.

When Mikey stood up to give his speech, I felt Gerard stiffen beside me slightly. Threading my fingers through his own, I squeezed softly, trying to provide him with as much comfort as possible.

"Elena was the best grandmother anyone could ever ask for. Actually she was more like a second mother than anything," Mikey began, his voice already choked up from suppressed tears.

"She was always there for us, and I know she was that way with everyone - not just her family. Elena was so sacrificing and loving that sometimes I truly believed she was an angel sent to earth, and now God needed her more than us, so he took her back home." Mikey paused for a long moment in an attempt to compose himself before continuing.

"She always encouraged Gerard and I to follow our dreams. Anything we wanted to do, she stood by us, she even helped me buy my first bass guitar." Mikey laughed softly, but it came out as more of a suppressed sob than anything else.

"I could literally spend hours listing all of her amazing qualities, but I probably won't make it that long without crying, so I will keep this short. Elena was so loved, and we all miss her more than words could ever say, but she was suffering, and she didn't deserve that. She is at peace now in Heaven, and I know she is looking down on all of us and telling us not to feel sorrow." Mikey's gaze shot to Gerard sharply, and he began to tremble ever so slightly in his seat.

"She would want us to be happy because she is in a better place. Of course we are going to mourn her, but we can't let her passing bring us to our knees. Elena always wanted to lift everyone up - she could make my worst day instantly better just by her presence, and I know she is looking down and smiling at all of us right now." Mikey stepped off the podium quickly, wiping at the tears that were now streaming down his face, and he wasn't the only one who was reaching for a tissue.

I stood up next on shaky knees, shooting a quick glance at Gerard to make sure he was doing okay. His mother had asked me to speak on Gerard's behalf since he had gone mute, and even though I had been reluctant, I had finally agreed for both of their sakes.

"Uh..." My voice shook as I stared down at all the faces gazing up at me, my entire speech forgotten in the rush of the moment.

"I'm Frank...I don't know that many of you, and I didn't know Elena nearly as well as I wanted to, but I got to spend a lot of time with her over the past year," I began awkwardly, trying to pull my thoughts together before I embarrassed myself in front of everyone.

"She was amazing, like seriously - I have never met such a loving person in my life. She accepted me instantly, even though she had no reason to, and I never felt embarrassed or awkward around her." I smiled softly to myself as I recalled all the days spent conversing with Elena, she knew about all of my problems and my past thank to Gerard telling her, but she never once judged me or held it against me.

"My favorite thing was watching Gerard interact with her. His whole face would light up every time she came into the room, and I would never get tired of simply listening to them talk about art or singing - anything really." Gerard slowly lifted his head and met my gaze, and this tiny action gave me the courage to continue speaking with more confidence.

"Elena was Gerard's rock, and I didn't realize that until it was too late. I know this speech is supposed to be about her, but I just need to get this out." I realized that this might not be the most appropriate time to coax a reaction out of Gerard, but I had to try while I actually had his attention. Maybe I could get through to him, he seemed more aware of his surroundings today than he had been all week, so it was worth a shot.

"When she passed, she took Gerard with her: not physically - but in spirit. He hasn't spoken a word since that day, and I'm so scared that I am going to lose him too. Elena wouldn't want you to do this to yourself Gerard..." I was speaking only to him now, I had forgotten where I was entirely. He was still staring at me, his bottom lip shaking slightly as he tore at it with his teeth.

"All she ever wanted was for you to be happy Gee, and if she could see you right now, you know she would smack you so hard. I realize this is painful for you - I really do, but I don't want to send you away. I love you okay - so fucking much, and we all want to help you through this - you just have to let us." I had stepped off the podium by this point, and now I was kneeling in front of Gerard, begging shamelessly for him to understand how much we all still needed him.

Gerard didn't say anything at first, he simply stared down at me with a slightly confused expression on his face. Then he shook his head slightly before his eyes rapidly darted around the room, as if he had only just realized where he was.

"Please baby - come back to me?" I choked out softly, meaning the words for his ears alone.

And that was when Gerard started to cry; tears overflowed his eyes rapidly, and soon he was full out sobbing. This was the first day he had cried since I had found him on the kitchen floor one week ago, and even though it pained me to see him this way, I was so happy that he was finally doing something besides blankly staring at nothing.

"Shh - it's going to be okay..." I whispered, gathering him into my arms as I joined him on the pew.

"It hurts so much Frankie..." he gasped out in between his sobs, and I had to stifle my exclamation of surprise at hearing his voice after going so long without. It was rough and scratchy from misuse, but he was talking - actually speaking words to me, and my heart soared at the unexpected success.

"I know love - I know, but I am going to take care of you okay? You just have to try for me." I attempted to wipe his tears away, but they spilled over my hand faster than I could erase them.

"I will...I'm sorry - please don't send me away." Gerard clutched my shirt tightly, as if someone was going to come and pull us apart at any moment.

"I won't baby, but you have to eat and keep talking okay?"

"Mkay." Gerard buried his face against my chest, trying to stifle his sobs against the stiff fabric.

"I love you," I murmured against the top of his head.

"I love you too." His words were muffled, but I still heard them, and I couldn't contain the smile that spread across my face.

I glanced up quickly, suddenly remembering that we weren't alone, and my speech about Elena had turned into a private moment with Gerard. I thought everyone would be a bit ticked off with me, but instead, almost every face I could see was smiling down at our entwined forms, discreetly wiping away tears, and I even heard a stifled _“aww”_ coming from somewhere near the back of the room.

"Thank you Frank," Mikey whispered in my ear from his seat beside me, and I simply nodded in acknowledgment, pulling Gerard even closer to me as he continued to cry softly.

The rest of the funeral passed by quickly, and even though Gerard cried almost the entire time, he didn't close up again. He spoke with his mother and Mikey, apologizing profusely for the way he had been acting. They were ecstatic at his willingness to talk to them, and they both thanked me numerous times for not giving up on him - like that was even an option in my mind.

With Gerard's return to the world, the funeral became much more joyous, and I silently thanked God - or maybe the angel Elena - for bringing Gerard back to me.


	42. You're not in this alone

**Gerard's POV**

"You scared us there Gerard." Dr. Stump laced his fingers together as I took my usual seat in front of his desk.

"I know...I'm so sorry. I did exactly what I told you I wouldn't," I whispered softly. I still wasn't used to speaking yet, and I was uncomfortable talking to someone who wasn't Frank or my family, even though I had known Dr. Stump for ages.

Frank had given me a few days after the funeral to myself - not that he ever left my side, but he didn't push me to go out and - as long as I ate - he let me do pretty much whatever I wanted, which was basically nothing. I may have snapped out of the waking coma I had put myself in, but I was still in a slight fog, and I was struggling to readjust to the real world.

Frank had been determined that I come to this appointment today though, and I hadn't fought him – well not much anyway. After what I had put him through over the past week, I would do anything to make him happy, even if I wasn't ready to talk to Dr. Stump just yet. Frank had pleaded with me, saying he was terrified that I might fall back into my silent state if I didn't, so I went - albeit reluctantly.

"It's okay Gerard, I am not here to place blame on you. I just want to try and understand what happened so I can help you get through this."

"I think I set myself up for failure. I decided to pretend like Elena wasn't sick, because that was the only way I could enjoy my time with her, or else I would be overwhelmed with sadness every time I saw her," I attempted to explain, but hearing it out loud made me sound crazy - which I might be. I mean, I hadn't spoken for a week, normal people didn't do that.

"So you lied to yourself for so long that you started to believe it?" Dr. Stump asked quietly.

"Yeah - I mean I knew she was still sick somewhere in my head, I just shut it out. So when I got the phone call from my mom saying she was in the hospital and I should get over there to say my goodbyes - I just shut down." I shuddered softly, remembering that dreaded conversation as if it had just happened yesterday.

"What did you do then?" Dr. Stump pressed gently.

"I don't exactly remember. I didn't go to the hospital, I couldn't even move. I felt paralyzed by everything, it was as if it was totally unexpected, and I had no time to prepare myself for her death, even though that wasn't the truth - it's just what it felt like. I wanted to go see her, but I physically couldn't make myself." I swallowed hard; this hurt to talk about, but I knew I had to do it. Dr. Stump gave me an encouraging nod, and I forced myself to continue speaking.

"It felt like my brain was tearing itself in two, one half was telling me to run to her side before it was too late, and the other was still in denial, telling me this wasn't happen - she couldn't be dying."

"What else do you remember?" Dr. Stump was having to drag the story out of me, but it was so difficult to keep going without bursting into tears. I regretted asking Frank to wait in the car now, I wanted him here by my side.

"I couldn't take it - so I turned my brain off. I have done it before, and it’s like I am in another world. I am slightly aware of what's happening sometimes, but I am not mentally present. I just float in my mind, I don't really know how to explain it," I mumbled softly.

"Was it like when Frank stopped calling you in Laurel Hills?" I nodded in response, I had forgotten that Dr. Stump had been with me at the point in time until just now.

"Yeah...exactly like that. I just stopped trying to do anything, because if I snapped out of my dream world, then I would feel the pain of her loss, and I wasn't ready to face that; especially not after I had been too weak to even go and say goodbye one last time."

"That isn't weakness Gerard, everyone deals with death differently, and no one blames you for not being there." Dr. Stump smiled up at me, and I tried to return the gesture.

"If you say so...I just feel awful about everything, especially how I treated Frank. He took such good care of me, and I didn't deserve that." I really couldn't believe I had ignored him for an entire week and he hadn't left me, Frank was too good to be real sometimes.

"Frank loves you Gerard - more than you will ever know. I don't think I have ever seen two people so perfectly suited for each other in a long time." Hearing Dr. Stump say that brought a true grin out on my face for the first time all day.

"I don't deserve him, but I am so happy he is mine."

"He was so worried about you, he called me numerous times asking for advice, but he seemed to have everything under control. I knew you would come back for him." It amazed me that Dr. Stump continued to have so much faith in me, even after all the fucked up shit I had done.

"I heard him talking about sending me away...that was when I first started trying to wake myself up. I didn't want to be separated from him, not even for a little while." I shuddered softly at the thought.

"He just wanted what was best for you, and with you refusing to eat, he was fearful for your health." Dr. Stump explained what I already knew, but it was reassuring to hear that it wasn't because Frank had given up on me.

"Yeah...he told me. I still can't believe how much he did for me," I mused to myself.

"You are eating now right Gerard?" Dr. Stump asked in a curious tone of voice.

"I am, Frank is making sure of that." I might not look it yet, but I was consuming a healthy amount of food again, it would just take me a bit of time to regain the weight I had lost.

"And what about mentally - how are you feeling now that you have had some time to process everything?"

"Okay - better that's for sure. I still don't think I have completely accepted that Elena is really gone, but I don't want to shut myself away again, and I'm trying to resume my life," I told him truthfully.

"That's good to hear. I think I want to see you weekly for a little while though, just so I can keep an eye on you, and hopefully we can prevent another episode before it happens again."

"That's fine," I agreed, because I would do whatever it took to get better for Frank.

"And I also think I want to put you on anti-depressants for a short time. I know I was avoiding this before, but I think it might help you deal with all of this a bit easier. When this last happened, you were on them, and it worked positively then, so I want to give it another go." He scribbled on his notepad as he spoke, presumably writing out the prescription for said medication.

"If you think it will help..." I wasn't really looking forward to relying on pills again, but I wasn't going to argue with him.

"I do, but you have to tell me - or someone - if anything gets worse. These can increase suicidal tendencies, and I don't want you hiding those thoughts away if they occur okay?" Dr. Stump fixed me with a piercing look, and I understood that he was serious about this.

"I promise, I won't bottle anything up this time."

"Well then you are free to go. Please tell Frank about your medication so he can keep an eye out for any signs of negative reactions. He will be the best judge since he knows you so well and he is always with you." Dr. Stump handed me the page with the prescription on it, and I pocketed it quickly.

"I will."

"Take care of yourself Gerard, and remember my door is always open. You don't have to wait until your next appointment if you need to talk." Dr. Stump stood up to walk me to the door, grabbing his coat on the way out since I was his last patient of the day.

"I will remember that," I reassured him before waving goodbye and taking my leave, heading toward my car which Frank had pulled up right out front.

"Hey hot stuff, you going my way?" Frank honked the horn loudly, making me erupt into a fit of giggles.

"You are such a fucking dork." I shoved him lightly as I climbed into the passenger seat.

"Oh shut up, you love me." Frank nudged me back, grinning like the adorable idiot he was.

"You know it baby." I pressed a quick kiss to his cheek before buckling my seat belt.

"So are you in the mood for going out?" Frank asked with a hopefully expression on his face.

"Out…like where?" I questioned nervously. I wasn't sure what he had in mind, but I didn’t think I was ready for any big social gathering just yet.

"I want to take you to dinner, like a proper date. We haven't had hardly any of those lately, and I am tired of cooking." Frank grinned up at me, and I found myself smiling back.

"Well how can I say no to that?" I was slightly nervous about being out in public again; I hadn't gone anywhere since Elena's funeral, but if it made Frank happy, then I was willing to do it. He had been stuck home with me for long enough, and I had to admit that a date did sound nice.

"Perfect! I don't get to show you off enough."

"I'm a hot mess Frank, and you know it," I only half joked.

"Nah you aren't, and even if you were - you are my hot mess, and that's all that matters." I blushed brightly at his words.

Frank had been such a sweetheart lately, and l wasn't used to him showering me with so many compliments. I realized it was because he was ecstatic to have me functioning again - mostly, but still, it was nice to hear.

"So where are we going?" I asked as Frank drove into town.

"It's nowhere fancy, but I thought we could try out Trilogy Pizza, I heard they have amazing veggie dishes."

"Pizza actually sounds really good right now." My stomach rumbled as if to emphasize my point.

"I'm so happy to see you eating again," Frank murmured quietly.

"I'm sorry Frank," I apologized for the hundredth time, but he waved it off like he usually did.

"It's okay love, I didn't mean it like that."

"I know, but still....you are just perfect. I don't tell you that enough." Once again I blushed slightly, I wasn't as good with words as Frank, but I wanted him to know how much I appreciated him.

"Come here." Frank held his arms out once he had parked the car, and I climbed into the roomy front seat with him, snuggling against his small frame gratefully.

"I am nowhere near perfect, but you make me want to be a better person - that's one of the reasons I love you so much," Frank whispered against the top of my head before tilting my chin up and claiming my lips in a kiss, which I gladly returned.

"Thank you Frank," I gasped out once our lips had separated.

"For what baby?"

"For everything: putting up with my crap, not giving up on me, loving me, and just being here with me." His eyes watered up slightly as I spoke, and I kissed him again, wanting to feel even closer to him right now.

"I love you Gerard," was his response, and I would never get tired of hearing that.

"I love you too."

"Now come on, let's go eat before we end up spending the whole night making out in the car." Frank opened the door, and I got out first since I was still on his lap.

"That doesn't sound like such a bad idea." I smirked down at him as I helped him out of the car.

"Well I never said we couldn't do that later, but pizza first."

Our date was perfect, and I slowly felt some of the fog dissipating from my mind. As we dug into our food eagerly, I felt normal again for the first time in ages, and that was a nice feeling.

My mood deflated slightly when I remembered the prescription that was still in my pocket, but I didn't let it bother me. I did have to tell Frank about it though before I put it off any longer.

"Baby?" I asked, putting the piece of paper onto the table so Frank could see it.

"What's that?" he asked curiously.

"It's my prescription for anti-depressants. Dr. Stump wanted me to tell you that he thinks they should help, but there is a slim chance that they might make me more suicidal - so yeah..." I trailed off awkwardly, casting my eyes toward the empty plate in front of me so I wouldn’t have to meet his gaze.

"Oh...well will you promise to tell me if you feel anything like that?" Frank sounded slightly worried, and I didn't blame him - I felt the same way.

"Yeah Frankie I do. I want to get better, not worse."

"Well then we can pick these up on the way home." Frank tucked the paper into his wallet, and I was relieved not to have it on me anymore.

"Then you will make out with me?" I pouted slightly, enjoying the look on Frank's face at my words.

"Oh baby - I will do more than that."


	43. We'll say goodbye today

**Gerard's POV**

The antidepressants helped in the sense that I didn't fall back into my self-imposed silence, and they did make the crushing weight of Elena's death easier to deal with, but I still didn't like them.

I felt off when I took them - fuzzy and not quite there. They tuned down my sadness, but they also lowered my happiness too, until I was residing in a numb state that I was beginning to loathe.

I didn't really enjoy anything, even being with Frank had lost that spark it always had, not that I didn't appreciate his company. I just wasn't interested in going out on dates or cuddling; sex had also lost its appeal - much to Frank's disappointment.

I had told Frank about how I was feeling, and he understood what I meant. He said it sounded similar to how he had been when we were separated; he shut off all of his emotions until he couldn't feel anything, and even though he was functioning, he wasn't really living.

We decided to wean me off of them slowly, with Dr. Stump's approval of course. He agreed with what we wanted to do, so I lowered the dosage each week, until I was off the pills completely.

Thankfully I dealt with it very well, the return of my emotions was a bit hard to manage at first, but it was so much better than how I had been feeling when I was on the pills, so I welcomed it eagerly; pushing down all the sadness and trying to enjoy the good things.

Frank had returned to work now that I was functioning again, and I was motivated to find my own job since I finally had my degree. I had applied to a bunch of places, and I had an interview next week with Cartoon Network as an illustrator, which was basically my dream job. I didn't know if I would get it or not, but it felt good to get myself out there and start a normal routine again.

I had one lingering regret that was bothering me though, and I was determined to fix it before it brought me down again.

I had never truly said goodbye to Elena; I hadn't visited her in the hospital, I hadn't spoken at her funeral, and I hadn't gone to see her grave. I knew it was too late to do anything about most of that now, but I still wanted to go and apologize to her, even though Frank assured me that she understood.

Still - he supported me completely when I told him I wanted him to take me to her grave so I could finally say my last words to her. We still didn't have enough money saved up to buy another car, and I kind of liked having Frank chauffeur me around; driving had always stressed me out, and he told me he didn't mind at all.

We set out on a beautiful Friday afternoon; Frank was off today and he had insisted on coming with, just in case I had another breakdown. He was so protective of me it was adorable, I didn't find it smothering at all because I knew he was just worried about me, and I felt blessed knowing that he cared so much.

By the time we pulled up in front of the cemetery, my nerves were firing up; I had angry butterflies bouncing around in my stomach, and my hands were shaking slightly.

I didn't know why I was feeling this way, I had mostly made my peace with Elena's death, and it wasn't like she was actually going to be here; it was only her physical body that resided under the ground, but I couldn’t stop my negative reaction to being here.

"You okay baby?" Frank asked quietly, and I realized I still hadn't moved out of the car, even though he had parked about a minute ago.

"Yeah...I'm okay," I sighed out, clutching the bundle of lilies I had purchased earlier in my hands. They had always been Elena's favorite flower, so I wanted to place some on her grave among the traditional roses.

"I can go with you if you want?" Frank offered warily. We had agreed earlier today that he would wait in the car, because I had wanted to do this on my own, but now I wasn't so sure of my decision.

"Do you think you could walk with me?" My voice wavered as I spoke, and I cursed myself for becoming such a wreck over what was basically nothing.

"Yeah love, of course." Frank exited the car and quickly walked over to my side, holding his hand down to me, and I gratefully took it.

We strode through the cemetery gates, and I glanced around at the mass amounts of graves surrounding us. Cemeteries had always creeped me out for some reason, even though they were kind of beautiful in a depressing way.

It just made me so sad to think about all the people buried here who I would never know. The rows stretched on forever until they passed beyond my sight, and I hadn't realized how many graves this cemetery held. They all had families and loved ones that missed them, or maybe they didn't, and they were forgotten once they had passed.

Death was a scary thought to me now that I had actually lost someone close to me. Even when I had wanted to kill myself in high school, I had never truly considered the consequences. Being on the other side of things was terrible, and I was so glad that Frank had saved me before I could hurt Mikey and my mother with my own selfishness.

Death had always seemed so foreign a concept to me before I lost Elena, but now I worried about it constantly. What if I lost Mikey...or my mom...or Frank? I knew that accidents happened every day, but I couldn't even imagine my life without them in it, and I tried to soak up every moment I had with them, just in case they left me like Elena did - not that she had a choice in the matter.

"Where'd you go Gee?" Frank nudged me slightly, pulling me out of my morbid thoughts.

"Sorry I kind of spaced out there," I blushed slightly. We were about halfway into the cemetery by now, and Frank had stopped walking completely.

"Her grave is in that row over there." Frank pointed in the right direction, and now I recognized the familiar patch of ground where Elena was buried. I had only been here once on the day of the funeral, and I had been pretty out of it the entire time.

"Thanks Frankie," I whispered as he gave my hand a reassuring squeeze.

"I'll be right here if you need me okay?" I nodded in understanding before continuing forward on my own, trying to force my shaking legs to keep walking, even though they were threatening to give out underneath me.

I eventually reached the tombstone adorned with multiple bunches of roses and other flowers that I couldn't name. I reached out a trembling hand and stroked the engraving lovingly, feeling the warm marble underneath my fingertips.

Elena Lee Rush

Loving mother and grandmother

She will be forever missed

I placed the bouquet of lilies directly in front of the white tombstone, which I knew would eventually turn grey with age, but right now it was pristine and shining, which only served to remind me that it hadn't been that long at all since she had passed.

"Hey grandma..." I choked out, trying to recall all the words I wanted to say to her, but they were getting tangled up in my head.

I sank to my knees slowly, running my hands back and forth over the fresh grass to give me something to do.

"I miss you...a lot, but I'm slowly getting over it. I'm sorry for being such a wreck after you died - I just kind of lost it." I chuckled to myself quietly, even though the situation wasn't funny at all, but it felt good to be able to laugh at it.

"I wanted to apologize for not showing up to say goodbye to you properly, I should have been there for you at the hospital..." I trailed off again, fighting down the lump that had risen in my throat.

"You know I love you though right? I will never stop...I just need to try and move on and fix my own life. I know that's what you would want of me, but I just had to tell you that I will never forget you." I couldn't speak any longer, I had said almost everything I had planned out anyway.

I tried to hold back my tears, but they overflowed my eyes without my consent. They didn't hurt as badly as usual though, instead they felt sort of cleansing, as though I was finally shedding off the shroud that had been covering me ever since Elena's death.

I don't know how long I sat there in front of her grave, crying my eyes out while the sun shown down on me, but eventually I felt a familiar pair of arms encircling me, and I relaxed instantly into Frank's hold.

"It's okay love...it's gonna be okay," Frank cooed softly, rocking me back and forth in a soothing manner.

I turned around so I could bury my face in his shoulder, sobbing quietly against his t-shirt as he rubbed small circles across my back.

Frank began to hum under his breath, and I raised my tear stained face to meet his eyes.

"Sing for me?" I asked softly. I had discovered Frank had an amazing voice when I had gone through my period of silence; he had taken to singing to fill the quiet air of our apartment, and I had fallen in love with his voice, even though he insisted that mine was better, but I didn't agree.

"Okay," Frank agreed, humming a few more chords before be broke into song.

_So many stars in the sky_

_And I don't why_

_They always have to fall on me_

_-_

_Maybe I'm blind to all of the signs_

_That the world never wanted me_

_-_

_I went outside today_

_Hoping the sun would burn my face_

_I went outside today_

_Hoping I'd feel something_

_-_

_My body's weak_

_It gave up on me_

_This time I don't think I'm gonna get out from what I'm underneath_

_It's hard to believe another day of rain has come and gone_

_-_

_Don't go she said_

_I wouldn't mind but I'm cold inside_

_I've felt this bad for so long_

_That I'm scared I'm fine_

_-_

_Save room for me in memories_

_I'd love to always be a small part of what makes you smile_

_From time to time just thing of me and be glad I'm home_

_-_

_Let's close our eyes_

_We've got time to make each other cry_

_It's best his way_

_I'm used to being left behind_

_-_

_I remember a time when I felt so unlike me_

_I remember a time when someone could love me_

_I remember when I still felt alive_

_-_

_Don't go she said_

_I wouldn't mind but I'm cold inside_

_I've felt so bad for so long_

_I'm scared I'm fine..._

"Did you write that?" I asked when Frank had stopped singing, because I had never heard it before.

"Yeah I did...back when I lost you. I never had the guts to actually sing it until now though."

"Frank..." I gasped out, he had stricken me speechless by sharing this with me. Frank wasn't the most open person in the world, and he hardly ever talked about the years we had been apart.

"It gets better though Gee, I promise."

"I think you are right. Thank you Frankie.”

I snuggled deeper into Frank's arms, content to just sit here for a little while longer. I knew all of my internal wounds weren't going to magically heal, but I felt one thousand times better already, and I sensed that coming to Elena's grave had been a big step for me in my recovery.

"Goodbye grandma..." I whispered so softly that Frank didn't hear me, pressing my hand into the earth underneath me in a final farewell.


	44. Bulletproof heart

"Mikey please - you have to help me!"

"I don't know what you want me to say bro...if you want to do it, then go for it. He's not going to say no, I can tell you that." Mikey peered over the rim of his glasses at me with a slightly bored expression on his face, completely unfazed by the internal breakdown I was having right now.

It had been eight months since Elena had died, and I was finally back to my old self again. I had gotten that job with Cartoon Network, and I loved it even more than I thought I would. Having a career in something I was passionate about had really lifted my spirits, and I hadn’t had any need for the antidepressants lately. The money from my new job coupled with the large trust fund Elena had set away for me had given me an idea…

I wanted to propose to Frank - well I had always wanted to; Frank was the only person I could ever imagine spending the rest of my life with, but now I actually had the funds to buy him a proper ring and to afford a nice wedding as well, so I thought it was the perfect time to pop the question.

I knew we were young, but Frank and I had been through so much together that I thought we were ready for this step, and I was desperately hoping he felt that same way.

But getting up the nerve to do it was another matter entirely, I had already purchased the ring, but I hadn't managed to find the courage to utter the four words that had been floating around in my mind for the past few weeks, which was how I found myself at my younger brother’s apartment begging for his advice.

"Of course I want to do it...I'm just scared." I threw myself down on his couch with a dramatic sigh.

"I’m not the magic proposal fairy who has all the answers. It's not like I have any experience with the matter," Mikey huffed out while taking a seat beside me on the sofa.

"You and Ray have only been official for a year, I'm sure it will happen sooner than you think." I nudged Mikey in the ribs with my foot teasingly.

"Well..."

"Oh my god - you are blushing!" I squealed, and Mikey covered his cheeks with both hands to try and conceal his reddening face.

"Shut up okay. I'm not going to do it yet...I've just been thinking about it - that's all." Mikey tried to keep his tone neutral, but I could hear his affection for Ray leaking through against his will.

"Aww…my baby brother is in love!"

"Seriously Gee, I will throw you out if you keep this up," Mikey pouted as I threw my arms around him in a hug.

"Fine - I'll stop, but only if you help me with my proposal." I pulled away from him with a giant smile plastered across my face.

"I don't know Gee, Frank isn't a super romantic guy, he isn't going to care what you say or how you do it. He loves you, so he is going to be ecstatic either way."

"I know...I just want to make it special." Frank deserved the most perfect proposal in the world, but he wasn't a flowers and candles kind of guy, and I was coming up blank on how I was going to make this something he would never forget.

"You will figure something out Gee, just...I don't know - do it somewhere that means a lot to the both of you." Mikey shrugged helplessly, but his words had actually given me the beginnings of an idea.

"Thanks Mikes! You are the best!" I squealed as I hurried to put my shoes back on so I could put my plan in action.

"Wait...what did I say?" Mikey shot me a confused look, but I didn't want to waste any time explaining it in case I lost my courage and chickened out at the last minute.

"I'll explain later!" I shouted as I rushed out the door, jogging lightly down the street while I pulled out my cell phone. Mikey had picked me up from work today, but where I wanted to go was definitely within walking distance, and it would give me some time to plan out exactly what I was going to say.

I finally freed my cell phone from my tight jeans, pressing the call button next to Frank's number with shaking fingers before I had a chance to change my mind.

"Hey love, what's up?" Frank's familiar voice filled my ears, and I couldn't help my smile at the phone, even though he couldn't see me.

"Hey Frankie, are you off work yet?" I tried to act casual, but my voice was obviously wobbling.

"I've got about ten more minutes left. Why?" I could tell Frank knew something was off with me, but I ignored it.

"Can you meet me somewhere after work?" I asked breathlessly.

"Yeah...where do you want me to go?"

"The intersection of Spring Peaks and Sable Valley, it's not far from Mikey's apartment."

"Can I ask why you are being so weird?" I could tell Frank was getting slightly worried, but I was a terrible liar, and I just wanted this phone call to end before I fucked this entire thing up.

"I'll explain once you get here okay? Please just trust me?" I put on my best pouty tone, and I had to hold back a giggle when I heard Frank sigh against the phone.

"Fine...I'll head out right now, the store is dead anyway."

“Okay, see you soon.” I hung up quickly before Frank could ask any more questions.

It only took me a few more minutes to reach the aforementioned intersection, my heart was already pounding at a ridiculously fast pace, and Frank wasn't even here yet. He should arrive soon though, he had the car for the day, and Mikey's apartment wasn't too far from the bookstore where he worked.

I used the last few minutes I had to repeat my preplanned words over and over again in my head, but when I heard the familiar engine of my Trans Am pull up, everything flew out of my brain, including my speech.

"Gee - what are you doing here?" Frank asked in exasperation after he had parallel parked the car and gotten out, his arms were crossed over his chest and he looked slightly pissed off.

"Do you remember this place?" I ignored his aggressive posture, instead plowing ahead with my original plan.

"No...should I?" Frank questioned warily, his arms falling to his side as he glanced around quickly.

"This is where I found you again after all those years...well you sort of found me, but still you get what I mean." I snapped my mouth shut before I could start rambling even worse than I already was, and I could tell by the look of surprise on Frank's face that he had finally realized where we were.

"This is the street...where I crashed into your car isn't it?" Frank looked to me for confirmation, and I nodded slowly.

"Yeah it is. This place is where my entire life changed for the better, and I could think of no other location to do this." I dropped down to one knee in front of Frank, freeing the small box from my jacket pocket before holding it up in front of me.

"Gerard..." Frank gasped out before his hands flew up to cover his mouth.

"Frank Anthony Iero...I love you more than I ever thought it was possible to love another person, and I want everyone to know that. You have literally saved my life, and without you...I wouldn't be here. You make me a better version of myself than I could ever hope to be on my own, and I would be honored if I could call you my husband...that is, if you will have me?"

I popped open the lid of the box to reveal the ring I had chosen for him; it was a simple silver band decorated with black x's that were crisscrossed together; to me they represented our unbreakable bond, and hopefully he would see it in the same way.

"Oh my god Gerard -" Frank whimpered quietly, his hands were still pressed tightly against his mouth, and I glimpsed a single tear streaking down his cheek.

"Baby…please don't leave me hanging?" I needed to hear him say yes, it had taken all the bravery I possessed to do this, and his lack of an answer was figuratively killing me.

"Fuck yes Gerard...oh my god - I love you," Frank cried before throwing himself against me eagerly, almost knocking me down with the force of his embrace.

"Hey - I didn't even get to put the ring on you," I chuckled softly as Frank pressed small kisses all over my face.

"Oh yeah..." Frank giggled sheepishly before holding out his hand so I could slip the ring onto the appropriate finger.

"I love you so much Frank," I whispered as he admired the new adornment his hand now carried.

"I love you too baby...more than words could ever say," Frank mumbled before pressing his lips to mine happily, and I lost myself in the feel of his mouth against mine. Even though we had kissed thousands of times before, this one was different than all the others. I could literally feel the love shining in-between the two of us, and I had to blink away my own tears of joy as Frank pulled me even closer.

Everything that I had been through to get to this point was insignificant now: all the pain, and heartbreak, and despair was worth it to be able to have Frank here in my arms, and to be able to call him my own.

We had overcome every terrible event the world had hurled at us, and we had survived. I knew we would face even more obstacles in the future, but we would make it through everything together, I had no doubt of that.


	45. Epilogue

_50 years later..._

The sun is shining brightly through the white curtains that Frank insisted we put up in our home, and I am sitting here squinting against the glare. I will probably never change them though, because he picked them, and even though I hate the way they do nothing to stop the light, I don't have the heart to remove them.

I am alone for the first time in ages, but that's okay, because nothing lasts forever, and I have already received more than I ever thought I deserved.

I am sketching again, which is what I usually do when I am left to myself. I am working on a new set of drawings for my next exhibit, and it is something much different than my previous works.

I have become a decently acclaimed artist now. It started with my job for Cartoon Network, then I branched out and made my own comic books, and now I pretty much draw or paint whatever is in my head. People seem to like my work, and I have numerous pieces hanging in quite a few art galleries.

This series that I am starting will be the most personal by far, because I am capturing the essence of Frank and I's time together in pencil and ink, and even though it is far removed from what I usually do, I have high hopes that people will understand how much this means to me.

My life with Frank was magical, being married to that perfect man was everything I ever dreamed of and more. Every day waking up next to him was new and exciting, and the butterflies never faded from my stomach when he would kiss me.

Our wedding day was the best moment of my life. We kept it simple, neither of us wanted an extravagant ceremony, we just wanted to have our family and friends be with us when we finally took this huge step in our lives. Mikey ended up proposing to Ray at the after party, and they were married six months later.

We wanted for nothing, I had a wonderful job and my dream husband, and Frank eventually started a band called Leathermouth which made it big, and he got to do what he was passionate about for a living as well. We were so lucky in that aspect, most people have to drop their ambitions for music and art when they become adults and face reality, but it somehow worked out for the both of us.

Eventually we adopted a little girl named Cherry, and she brightened up our life immeasurably. I never really wanted children, but when Frank brought it up, I couldn't deny the fact that raising a child with him would be an experience I couldn't refuse, and I am so glad we went through with it.

She was the epitome of a golden girl, and she completed our family in ways we hadn't even realized we had been missing. She is grown now, and I am so proud of the person she has become. She loves music just like her father, and she works for a record label at the moment.

I won't bore you with any more details of our happy lives, because even though to me they are worthy of being recorded in a novel, I know to others it would quickly become monotonous.

Basically Frank and I were perfect for each other, even though logistically we shouldn't have been. Two fucked up halves usually can't form together to make a whole, but we did. Somehow we healed each other with love - corny I know. If someone had told me that before I found Frank, I would have laughed in their face, but now I am a true believer in the power of love. It saved me after all, so I would be a hypocrite not to be.

When I truly think about it, the odds of us making it together were one in a million: from our initial age gap, to my depression, to his mother's disapproval of us, we had the entire world conspiring against us, but we threw it the middle finger and made our own fate.

Frank's mother actually did come to accept us later on. Frank and I met with her when he finally felt ready, and she apologized profusely for everything she had put us through; saying that it warmed her heart to see us so happy, and that she had been wrong to try and separate us. Frank was ecstatic to have his mother in his life once again; she had pulled herself together as well, and she ended up moving back to Jersey, so we saw her quite often.

It took Frank much longer to make up with his stepfather, and I didn't blame him for that at all. I never truly forgave him for what he had done to Frank, but it was obvious that he had changed; he was completely sober now, and over time we learned how to tolerate him for Frank's mother's sake.

I almost feel like everything around us began to play out like a storybook, and even though we had our ups and downs like everyone does, the highs were much greater than the lows.

So I could think of nothing better to immortalize on paper than what I shared with him. I wanted other people to see what I experienced, and maybe it would give them hope that their soul mate was out there somewhere…waiting for them.

The reasoning behind my new project was because Frank passed away from lung cancer late last night; we really should have attempted to quit smoking much earlier than we did, but some addictions are impossible to break. Still - I am thankful I got so much time with him, and seventy-one is a good age to live to, even though I would have liked a few more years with him.

I miss him already, the house feels empty without his presence, but I know I will join him soon, so even though I am sad and lonely, I am not overwhelmed with despair; he wouldn't want me to fall apart without him, and I am determined to honor his memory.

Cherry will be here tomorrow, she informed me that she was coming to stay with me for a time until I adjusted to his loss, and even though I assured her that it wasn't necessary, I am grateful that she wants to make sure I am coping.

I know I will be okay though, I have a few loose ends to tie up here before my own end becomes eminent, and I will wait forever to be reunited with Frank, as I have proved many times before.

And now I have two angels looking down on me - Frank and Elena - so it is hard to despair when I know that I am so loved, and I will be greeted with open arms when my time comes.


End file.
